Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

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Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby Brian » Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:49 am

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Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby Brian » Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:49 am

Write a formal complaint letter to your deepest, darkest fear.

You can post your response (750 words or fewer) here.

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RE: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby OnyxLiar » Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:53 am

Dear External Force/Destiny/God/What-Have-You,

On December 6th 1989, I received this thing called “life” at a big, shiny hospital (that no longer stands). The present hasn’t entirely been embraced, but it’s alright. Thanks, I guess.

Anyway, I was disappointed when I heard this “life” had an expiration date, for whatever reason, and I’m worried now about when this date is because I believe it’s been rubbed off the package. By the date of which I received this “life” can you calculate when the expiration date would be? Not knowing is killing me.

I appreciate if this problem could be resolved as soon as possible. Since learning of the previously unknown expiration date, I’ve had extreme anxiety and have had to go to therapy! I would love some reimbursement for this trauma you’ve inflicted me. Enclosed is a copy of the receipt my mother was given for my “life” and several medical bills.

I am looking forward to hearing possible resolutions to this serious problem and I will wait two weeks for a reply before seeking help from the other sides. Please contact me, you know how.

Yours sincerely,


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Re: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby jdw2465 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:14 am

Dear Insignificance,

I just wanted to let you know that you scare the hell out of me. If that is your prime objective, then let me assure you that you are on target and that your efforts have made my life as a technical writer more than miserable.

But you might be interested to know that I have your sister, Significance, by the throat and she is even now gasping for air. For her sake, I suggest that you take a few steps back from my psyche. And if my mood improves in your absence, I promise to treat her with the utmost respect and tenderness.

Warm regards,


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Re: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby eswrede » Wed Sep 01, 2010 9:38 am

Dear Master of the Universe,

I am writing to formally complain about my inability to figure out what I am meant to do with my life. For 35 years I have struggled to determine my place in the world. Not understanding what I am meant to do with my life has become a major problem. After trying on many different hats with none of them fitting properly most of the people in my life no longer believe in me. My confidence is low and I am very afraid that I will never figure it out. Not only would I like to ask why wasn't I given the skills or ability to answer this simple question but would also like to learn what it is that I am meant to do with my life.

Please respond with your answer within the next 7 days.

One Very Confused Individual

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RE: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby jwdwsn » Wed Sep 01, 2010 5:28 pm

Dear Death

Listen, let’s cut the crap. Over the past thirty-seven years you’ve leveraged a claim against me that you could take away my life and send me hurling into a celestial abyss. And I bought it. You’ve touted great manifestations like wars and diseases along with weird random acts that have snuffed out many a breath like a fleeting breeze to an unexpected flame.

But dear sir, you are an impostor. You exist in name only and I am writing to inform you that I have canceled my subscription to your mindless propaganda. The lavish tragic claims which splash the newspaper headlines and the 24-hour news channels are no less pathetic than the televangelist promising hell for the acts of so-called sinners. Or the politician threatening budget cuts in education and public safety programs to bolster increased taxation efforts. You are an alarmist, sir! An alarmist! A Chicken Little who has pulled a blindfold over an entire species. But I will have you know that my blindfold has been lifted and my eyes are engaged. Let me explain before I formally request my name be removed from your mailing list.

It occurred to me recently while meditating that this thing that we call “death” (you and what you take credit for) is actually nothing but another facet of Life. In other words, you are making a living off of someone else’s name and their divinely-structured plans. Which reminds me, I am cc’ing Life a copy of this letter so that she may be aware of any possible copyright infringements you have against her; though after billions of years I’m sure her attorneys are on it.

When it came down to it, Death, I realized that we are all under Life’s jurisdiction which states plainly and in bold letters that our souls will one day have to relinquish the skin we inhabit. Furthermore, I have been told on numerous occasions that this termination of skin will happen at an undisclosed time and at an undisclosed location. In short, there’s no secret here; Life has been upfront with us all along. Which is more than I can say for you.

As far as Life not letting us in on when we leave this earth, this is merely for entertainment purposes and is not the least bit malicious. After all, how exciting is a movie or a book when you know how it ends?

In closing I would like to inform you that I have staged a protest campaign against you and your fear-mongering. Before I’m done, you will go the way of the rotary phone and thirteen year-old singing sensations who croon about “love;” just another relic that we can look back on and laugh at, saying “remember when.”


J. W. Dawson

E.E. Moxam
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Re: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby E.E. Moxam » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:51 pm

Dear Doubt,

I am writing to officially complain about your constant lurking, particularly in the corners of my mind, heart and soul. More then once I have asked you nicely to reposition yourself elsewhere. I have even gone so far as to try and replace you with confidence and courage, but to no avail. Don’t you know when you aren’t wanted?

This is a formal complaint about your presence and its effects. Clearly you don’t see these negative consequences, so let me spell them out for you. I don’t get enough done when you are around, and you keep me from doing things I really want to do, and might even succeed at just because you’re there.

If you would kindly pack your things and go, that would be greatly appreciated. Bravery and confidence would love to move in, but, as we have previously discussed, there is too much self-depreciating junk lying around here for them to get their stuff in.

Please respond in a timely fashion, because I think we both know that this situation has gotten out of hand. You should know that I have sent a similar letter to your buddy, Time Is Flying By and if this issue is not resolved straight away, I will be forced to take drastic measures. Just so you know that I’m serious, these may include the quitting of the job and possible skydiving. Just remember, you drove me to it.

You know where to find me,


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RE: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby brotherhume » Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:13 pm


Your trivialities have been the clot in my mind's veins for as long as I can remember. Your very presence has hindered my success, my diligence and my ability. You're a blight. You're a thunderous cloud in a beautiful sky, and you're keeping the creative minds away from the park of productivity. Your nonsense and even your frivolity have hindered me. My creativity is a river, and with this letter, I take my finger out of the dam. **** you.

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Re: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby Birdy369 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 3:31 am

My Deepest Fear
335 Scared As poop unicorns and rainbows Ln.
Whothehellknows, SW 66666

Dear Lack of Motivation:

Where’ve you been my whole life? Actually, more or less, where’ve you been since around sixth grade, when you spontaneously disappeared from my life? Do you have any idea how hard your random little vanishing act has cost me in the last few years? If it wasn’t for the fact that I didn’t have my school, my family, and my friends to kick me in the ass, I wouldn’t be graduating this year! So now I’m writing to you to tell you how truly scared I am of you and to explain why.

I can’t count the nights that I’ve spent awake, staring at the ceiling and waiting for some spark to flare up in me that will make me WANT to do my work and WANT to succeed. As time goes on, a fear that started as a slight whim in the back of my mind is slowly evolving into a mindless beast of burden that stalks me around every corner of my life. I can’t get rid of it, and I hate it! It’s unbearable, so much so that at times, I’ve almost decided to take that anger and frustration out on someone else, and not verbally, but with my fists and my feet backed by blind rage and hatred for myself.

I’m afraid of you because you hold me back, but I don’t know how to get rid of you. I’m scared that someday, you’re going to drive me to a point where there’s no chance of going back, and all I’ll be left with is a broken mind and ceaseless desperation. I’m so utterly frightened that if I don’t get rid of you, and soon, I won’t go anywhere in life except some poor house where I eat the same dinner every day and can’t even afford to bathe myself. The fact that I can’t even bring myself to do anything for anyone else willingly scares me almost as much as my lack of motivation. I’ve discovered recently that I can’t even put much effort into holding my relationships together, even if I want to. IT HURTS! God, it hurts so much to know that my lack of motivation even affects OTHER people negatively. I hate you lack of motivation. I do. If my motivation doesn’t come back soon, I’m not sure what I’ll do, but it won’t be anything good, I can ascertain that much. Hope you make it back to me before then.

Yours Truly,


P.S. Did I mention that I hate you?

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Re: Complaint Letter to Your Darkest Fear - 8/31

Postby Evil2Evil » Tue Sep 14, 2010 5:01 pm

Dear Mr. Procrastination:

It has come to my attention that you have been in my life for such a long time. We have done late-morning homework together, laughed as we made our professors hate our classroom ethics, and found tardiness quite often. I love you dearly, not in the wrong way of course, but as a close friend. However, because of our very ventures, I am sad to say that I can no longer procrastinate together. I have found that it has affected my life profoundly, being able to plan my time with time to spare.

I have grown older, and little by little we are constantly losing touch. The last time I called about our next appointment, I was pulled back by Mrs. Early and packed on my way to Reality Airlines. Today, I had to type this before I left for work. I tried calling you, but I was too far from the telephone, and I had forgotten my cell phone in the left pocket of my khakis.

Sincerely Yours,
Mr. Exhasperated

P.S. If, for any reason, you would like to contact me, I will give you my number, an address, and a due date.


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