Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

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Brian
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Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby Brian » Tue Oct 31, 2006 8:25 am


Brian
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Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby Brian » Tue Oct 31, 2006 8:25 am

Pumpkin smashers have destroyed several streets' worth of Jack 'O Lanterns in your neighborhood and you fear your street is next. The next night you hide in your bushes, hoping to nab the culprits. You're shocked when you see who it is. Who is it and why are they doing it?

Please limit your response to 500 words or fewer.

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RE: Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby by the bay » Tue Oct 31, 2006 10:16 am

I sit and wait, I wait some more, I know those dastardly villains will come down Elm St tonight and I’ll be here with my digital camera and then we’ll see who has the last laugh, haw-haw!
I wish the extension cord would reach out here, I’d plug in my electric blanket and then I would be cozy, waiting for the….wait I hear voices
“GD it, look I told you Elm St would have them, mocking me! Always mocking my beautiful oh so round head.” the voice was male and had a slight desperate edge to it. “Cheese and rice Conde will you hurry up, I want this documented so we can have Halloween stricken from the national record. Are you ready?”
I can see a tall thin woman wobbling on stiletto heels; she is trying to hold a camera steady as the man holds aloft a large pumpkin.
“OK Karl baby, smash away.” The pumpkin falls to the ground and the man is caught in the bright flash of the camera.
I am so stunned I can’t move. Stone cold creeping fear in pouring off me, my eyes are bugging out and I want to nudge someone, anyone, to take a look at this. They are moving to the next front porch just across the street, there are three of them.
“My turn Rove, I am the VP and all my life I’ve been called pumpkin head by some nitwit or another, so move it on over fat boy!”
This just isn’t happening, I think, I fell asleep I’m dreaming, I pinch myself and yelp. Now my goose is cooked.
“Say Dick, I just heard something coming from those bushes.” The three of them laugh.
The woman says,” Nothing comes from a bush that we don’t pre-record,” more snickering.
“Well, then little missy, why don’t you go and see if it’s a cat we can set on fire, that would be fun.”
“Karl, you know how I hate cruelty to animals, you simple have to stop this kind of talk, it makes me uncomfortable.”
“You like to shot them don’t you?”
“That’s different”
The woman grabs me by my hair and pulls me out and under a streetlight. They squint at me and I swear I can see fangs growing. My cell phone goes off and everyone stops and checks to see if they are getting the call. I run for my life.

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RE: Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby carolynnessen1 » Tue Oct 31, 2006 7:50 pm

Was I surprised when I found out who the pumpkin smashers really were. It was my pastor and his wife. Why would a pastor want to smash pumpkins? I hadthought it would be some teenagers who were mad at the world. Why would my pastor who often preached about kindness and respecting one another's property do such a thing.

I had to find out, so I called the church office and arranged to interview him. "Pastor Jim," I said, "I saw you smashing pumpkins the other night. I just wanted to ask you why. I don't really think that is conduct becoming to a pastor."

"It's not," he said, "but sometimes I tire of being a pastor. I feel like Halloween is the only night I can act like I am somebody else, so I tried to do the meanest thing I could think of that would not actually harm anyone else."

Carolyn Nessen
joanness2@hotmail.com
4908 Maywood Drive
Nashville, Tennessee 37211
(615)485-3248

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Susan
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Pumpkin Head Murders

Postby Susan » Tue Oct 31, 2006 8:25 pm

“Somebody’s murdering pumpkin heads,” old Mr. Moon said.  “The perpetrator got Chadwick Lane last week, Pine Road last Sunday.”

I buried my hands in my jeans pockets. I’d read in the newspaper someone was smashing Jack-O-Lanterns during early morning hours.  The authorities deducted bored kids were having pre-Halloween fun.  But, Mr. Moon was a retired detective in his eighties and had a flair for eccentricities, especially when it came to crime. “Why do you suppose anyone would murder pumpkin heads?” I asked.

     His teal eyes peeked at me through folds of skin. “I haven’t the slightest.  Last night they hit Second Street. Tomorrow is Halloween.”  He eyes Mrs. Moon standing in the window.  I waved, but she curtly looked away.  “I told the Mrs. to bring our Pumpkin in off the porch.” The eerie tone in his voice cut through to my bones.  “I’d advise everyone on this street to bring their pumpkins in, to protect them like they protect their black cats on Hallows Eve.”

    My heart picked up speed.  Second Street was just around the corner where Don and I lived.  We had worked hard carving our Jack-O-Lantern, taking special care to make every cut perfect.  The battery-powered candle inside gave it that special finishing glow.

    I would not be taking my Mr. Pumpkin inside, and I’d find out who was destroying the joy of Halloween!

   That night when Don was asleep, I dressed in my green sweat pants and sweatshirt and hid behind the Laurel Bush outside of our living room window. Deep into the night, footsteps shuffled down the sidewalk toward our house.  Oblivious to my presence, someone dressed head to toe in black sauntered up the steps to where Mr. Pumpkin sat.  Just as a small foot lifted itself above my beloved pumpkin, I jumped out from behind the bush and yelled “Freeze!”

    The unsuspecting pumpkin murderer froze with foot in air, then lost balance and fell with a thump. “Ouch!” a small voice yelled.  I ran onto the porch and pulled a hand-knitted beanie off to reveal a head of curly gray hair. 

    “Mrs. Moon!?” Don and I exclaimed at the same time.

    She pulled herself up from the railing then turned to face me.  Don bounded out of the house and Mr. Moon came running from across the street.  Mr. Moon sighed and whined “What’re you doing ?”

    She pointed a crooked finger at him. ‘You know exactly what I’m doing!  Year after year, you say how everyone’s pumpkin head is better than ours! Well, by the time I’m through, our pumpkin head will be the best and you’ll have no reason to complain!”

    Mr. Moon rolled his eyes then looked at me.  “You pressing charges?”

    Don stifled a grin and Mrs. Moon glared at her husband.  I looked at Mr. Pumpkin.  Not a single strand had been damaged.

    “No.  I have a feeling we can close the Pumpkin Head murder case now.”


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RE: Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby jchambers » Tue Oct 31, 2006 10:13 pm

Well heck, Linda. I was gonna do that. Jack O Lanterns, pumpkin heads, and bushes just begs (yes, there's supposed to be a "s" at the end of "beg" because those things are additive even though my grammar checker doesn't think so) for a political interpretation. Since you have that one covered, I'll have to think of something else. Rats. :)

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RE: Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby JonathanD » Wed Nov 01, 2006 3:34 am

Quick, short and simple:

The pumpkins have a touring rock concert going from house to house where they stand in a "mosh pit" and slam up against each other in the greatness of the awesomely rocking pumpkin rock.

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RE: Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby by the bay » Wed Nov 01, 2006 6:45 am

Ernest- there is so much more to be written in humous politicitus go for it. Try poking FUN at Randy Duke Cunningham from San Diego and now the fabulous Duncan Hunter from El Cajon who is running for Pres now that there is funny!

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RE: Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby poeticphilly » Wed Nov 01, 2006 7:44 am

After waiting for several hours behind a couple of trash cans I hear soft footsteps crunching through dry leaves two doors over. I try to get up from my crouched position to peek and realize my legs have fallen asleep! Sharp pain shooting through my calves jerked my body upright just in time to see the pumpkin smasher in action. I glimpsed a black hood and grimy boots that looked vaguely familiar. Black military style boots with mud crusted on the bottoms of the soles. Just then I heard the splat of the smashed pumpkin as the delinquent brought down their hammer. Innards flew everywhere covering cars, front porches and the culprit. Then the person dashed off. I decided to follow this halloween grinch and hobbled behind until the scoundrel stopped inside of a 7-Eleven around the corner. Hiding behind rows of pringles I peaked over to the slushie aisle when I saw the face behind the hood. I was frozen in disbelief. I can't believe it's her! Running around smashing pumpkins was little old Mrs. McGrady, the elderly Girl Scout!

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RE: Pumpkin Smashers 10/31-11/6

Postby jchambers » Wed Nov 01, 2006 11:51 am

When UPC47 was first introduced, Katie and I were doing demolitions for the Navy. Since anyone would tell you, my reasons for joining were one and only one: Katie looked good in a wet suit. I would like to take partial credit for our rapid advancement but honestly, it was her "Hell yes" attitude that endeared her to the Navy, as well as to me.

"Excuse me, SIR! The ensign has yet to be trained in the use of the weapon," is one sentence I never heard her say. It would be mil-speak for, "I don't know how to work this thing." The response would have been the mil-spec equivalent of, "Haven't you read the manual?" -- to which "yes" begged the question, "How is training relevant?" and "No," implied negligence.

Anyone astute enough to point out the manuals are lacking concise English could face court-martial for insubordination since they were compiled by champagne guys. That's the guys who get high ranks and non-hazardous duty assignments based primarily on the fact that they have a relative who contributed to starting the war.

Not to complain, there are only so many ways switches can be set, anyway -- and they have yet to field a nuclear weapon with a "detonate immediately" setting. At least, no one's ever told me of one. Thus, there is plenty of room for trial and error, and it can be fun to discover firsthand what these things do.

Last month, this thing came along, a RKG56L23-B. It was designed to eliminate the body armor from approaching enemies -- to encourage them to surrender. It was directional and set with DIP switches. Katie and I had a vague idea of how to set it up, but one switch, a 180 degree shift, was located in one corner of the printed circuit assembly. Katie claimed I left it that way intentionally, but I didn't even know about it. There was a brilliant blue-white flash and intense heat followed immediately by intense freezing -- all very, very brief -- like a thousandth of a second. Katie wasn't the only one to object to the result, but she looked far better doing it than the others.

The idea here is twenty of these RKO710-77345s, placed perfectly, and detonated simultaneously, will create a vortex warping time and space. There's nothing special about them, run-of-the-mill forty-kiloton devices. It's not an original idea either, I read it in a comic book some years ago. But the probability is anything caught will go backwards in time because there's more of it that direction.

I'm including my number UPC47: 679BK67901284 and this note. Please give it to my mom.

Hi Mom, it's me. I was the one who busted all them pumpkins and propped the nail behind the tire of the Buick and messed up your black brassiere. I thought it was a double-barrel-sling-shot and the vacuum cleaner would flatten it out a little because slinging rocks that size can be -- deadly.

Sorry,

-Me

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