The Morning After - 4/19

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RE: The Morning After - 4/19

Postby Frank » Fri Apr 22, 2011 6:26 am

I have a Mount Vesuvius of a morning headache - a vague recollection of being slipped a Mickey Finn in my lager last night. Bad enough, you say -- but wait, there’s worse: I’m surrounded by seven plastic dwarfs, but not of the loveable Snow White variety. These must be the Garden Gnomes from Hell. They all look slightly more malevolent than possum road kill.

My buddy drops by and I show him the dwarfs. He says in the hushed tones of a funeral undertaker, “But there‘s more,” and points to my stomach, adding, “below the shirt.” I take a look, and here’s the kicker: some weird writing is tattooed all over my torso, in backwards script, the way old Da Vinci used to code his scientific discoveries. I go to the mirror to decipher, and the connection with Snow White is all too clear:

Mirror, mirror on the Wall,
Who’s the biggest Bastard of them All?

I start flipping the Yellow Pages for ‘Tattoo Removal.’ You have to hand it to the Ex, you really do.

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Re: The Morning After - 4/19

Postby Richard81086 » Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:20 am

It’s not a pretty sight to see me hung over. There’s an abundance of drool and I tend to wake up with my clothes soaked through with sweat. Luckily, on this particular morning, a far too bright Saturday, I had only to deal with the drool since it would seem that I was not wearing any clothes while lying face down on my sofa. A common enough occurrence since I’m a restless sleeper to begin with, and I’ve woken up on a few occasions missing clothes that I had gone to bed wearing. The weird thing is, most often they will be folded neatly and placed near me so that when I wake up I can find them. So, when I turned my stiff neck, I would have expected to find my clothes, but upon further inspection I couldn’t.
Disappointed, I reached behind and pulled down the blanket to cover myself and sat up when I heard the harsh buzz of the doorbell, followed by a loud knock and the sound of it opening despite me not telling whoever it was to come in.
Now the trick to surviving the first few moments of a bad hangover is to rub your eyes so hard that you almost push them into the back of your brain. You rough them up a bit so that when you finally open them, they’re ready to face the light.
“You look awful,” said the familiar voice of my friend Robin. I squinted, moving my hand up to my temple and peering at her with a pained face, like a pirate who’s just getting used to the one eye he has left.
“Here,” she said, handing me a plain old fashioned doughnut. I may be twenty five years away from AARP membership, but I’m an old man on the inside and at that moment all I wanted some hard candy and maybe some melba toast.
“Thanks,” I said. The extra phlegm that hadn’t found its way onto my couch was caught in the back of my throat when I first tried to speak.
“You okay?”
“No, what the hell happened last night? I remember us all being out and then I remember nothing.”
“I’m not surprised,” she said with a smile. She looked hung over too, but not nearly as bad. Her dark hair, that was usually loose and in curls, was pulled tight back and tied. She was wearing the same small jean jacket and pants from the night before, and her scarf, this sheer type of thing that was vanilla and orange colored, was swung around her otherwise naked neck.
“I’ve got a confession to make,” she said.
“What’s that?”
“Alright,” she said with a deep sigh. “I kind of slipped you a micky last night.”
“I’m sorry John, it’s just, well you were going on and on about how sad you were about the breakup with Melanie and I just wanted you to have a good time.”
“Huh?” I asked not believing it at first. I leaned forward and felt the sting of something in my lower back. I reached behind to feel it and felt how sensitive my skin was.
“That’s the tattoo. You got it last night after you stole the donkey.”
“What donkey?!”
“The one behind you that’s tied up and munching the industrial size stack of ice cream cones.”
“Why is he doing that, and why is he there, and why the hell do I have a tattoo and what is it?!” I asked now wide awake.
“Well the donkey is there because last night you said you wanted some coffee and since you didn’t have any and no place was open; you thought it’d be a good idea to go find the Colombian man on the Folgers coffee can and get some from him. When you couldn’t find him, you broke the donkey out of a petting zoo and said ‘This will make him come to me!’.”
“I guess that makes sense,” I said. I do love my coffee.
“The ice cream cones are because you couldn’t pull him the whole way home so you had to lure him with the ice cream cones.”
“And the tattoo, do you really want to know what it says?”
“Yes,” I said desperately hoping it wasn’t too embarrassing.
“It says ‘John and Hanna, In Love and Loving Life. Married 4/24/2011, all in the middle of a heart. So… How’s your day going hubby?” she asked with a wicked laugh.

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RE: The Morning After - 4/19

Postby KScappace » Tue Apr 26, 2011 2:13 am

Sometimes friends will be the death of you.
I woke up in a coffin surrounded by flowers with a crucifix hanging from the lid. Although, to be sure, the awake part of my morning wasn’t at all certain. I couldn’t open my eyes or mouth. I couldn’t move at all. I wondered if maybe I was dead and just stuck to my body or something. I truly wanted to panic but even that was beyond me. The only reassurance I felt was the lingering sting from my new ink. It was inspired by Oppenheimer’s phrase, “Today I become death,” and was a white dove with a snake in its talons.
I remember getting the tat a few days ago. Then I remember going out with the gang for drinks last night. I don’t normally drink alcohol as it plays havoc with my system. I get too drunk too fast. But last night I needed that kind of drunk to deal with the aftermath of my last assignment.
The world is full of terrorists. The public knows only about the idiots. My job is to stop the smart ones and my last assignment was one of the smartest men I’d ever met even though he was nuttier than a house full of squirrels. His big idea, plan, contribution to history, whatever name or phrase you want to put on it; was to force the nest evolutionary step of mankind. I know. Right?! But his plan actually was not without merit and that is what made him dangerous.
You know that problem with the missing bees you’ve been hearing in the news? Found ‘em! He was altering them to force a new environmental adaptation which in turn would force a new evolution. And I guess I need to be honest here and admit that I didn’t so much stop this guy as punish him. The bees, the altered bees, got loose. He didn’t. He’s deader than yesterday’s fish. I saw to that.
None of which explained why I was lying paralyzed in a coffin. Tom did that.
“Hey lady,” he said as he knelt in front of my coffin. “Don’t panic, the drug will wear off by this evening. Everyone thinks you were poisoned in the bar night before last. I slipped a mickey in your drink. Once the wake is finished we’ll get you out of here and help you start your new life. Tyson is taking care of the plastic surgery arrangements. As far as the agency is concerned the remnants of the Martyrs of Tomorrow got their revenge.”
The Martyrs of Tomorrow; now there was an ugly bunch of bitches. They were convinced we were in the end times and made it their business to kidnap and sterilize as many women as they could. Some of those women were pregnant when they were kidnapped. I think my soul vomited on that one.
“You were stung in this last job,” Tom went on, “the powers that be in the agency were going to experiment on you. Barclay got the memo to bring you in. He called me and we set this up. He said he owed you after that “Sons of Cosmic Justice” debacle.”
Another group fringed group trying to alter the destiny of mankind. The Sons of Cosmic Justice did a lot of damage before we got them. Barclay was one of their targets. I wound up locking the whole group in a nuclear facility in Russia and letting it meltdown in order to get rid of them. Chernobyl I think was the name of the place. Trust me, as bad as that was, they were worse.
Tom squeezed my hand and left. I couldn’t help but think of that saying, “Friends will sympathize when you are in jail, good friends will post bail, and best friends will be sitting there beside you saying, ‘Damn we f-ed up! But man! What a ride!’” If that saying is true and I believe it is there is a group of friends beyond best friends. Those are the friends who will help you break out of jail and make sure you get away safe. That’s the kind of friends I have.
Sometimes friends will be the death of you and sometimes that’s a really good thing.

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RE: The Morning After - 4/19

Postby melybu » Sat Apr 30, 2011 5:38 pm

There's a knock at the door. I hear a familiar voice in the distance, but I can't get up. I reach a hand up to my head. It throbs.

I squinch my eyes, roll off the couch, and slowly shuffle to the door. It's my friend. I step aside to let Naomi in. She hands me a cup as she enters. I can smell cinnamon emanating from the plastic lid letting me know it's chai tea. I mumble something that's suppose to be hello or thanks.

I turn around to had back to the couch and something catches my eye. "What's with the stacks of books, statues, and flowers?" I ask as I sit on the couch and sip my warm chai tea. "You don't remember?" she asks with a concerned look on her face.

"No, tell me." I say now concerned myself. She proceeds to tell me I started acting strangely last night and kept talking about peace, love, and happiness and how I was a free spirit. She said I then took off running, striped my clothes off, and jumped into the water fountain where I splashed about.

She finally got me to put my clothes back on. I then began to sing and twirl down the street. Suddenly, there I was in front of the Chickapee Temple.

I entered the temple and bowed to the Head of Lettuce. After offering my praise, the Radishes, Carrots, and other veggies said my devotion was high-minded. They began to enlightened me. Once I heard enough, I was certain, I wanted to become an official Veghead.

The Head of Lettuce was pleased. He gave me books to study, showered me with flowers and gave me statues of all the various Veggies.

I was so inspired that, on the way home, I stopped at a tattoo shop. Naomi asks again, "You really don't remember any of this?" I look at her in disbelief and shake my head.

She says that last night I got a tattoo on my back of the Head of Lettuce. I stand up in a panic and run to the bathroom to check. I lift up my shirt, and what do I see? The Head of Lettuce and various Veggies.

Reality sinks in. I am an official member of the Chickapee Temple. I am a Veghead.

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RE: The Morning After - 4/19

Postby DominaPatti » Thu May 12, 2011 3:04 pm

"Keir, you're awake." Jute and Marian stood around my bed. They had been my best friends since grade school, recently they had started dating.

"How do you feel?" Marian chimed in. I recognized her facial expression as the one that she wore when one of her brilliant ideas had landed us in afterschool detention.

“Terrible." I moaned attempting to sit up. I heard a clank as something hit the floor. Groaning, I collapsed back unto the bed. Shielding my eyes from the sunlight streaming through the bamboo curtains, I pulled the sheets over my head.

It was daylight. "What time is it?" I started out of bed. My toe brushing an empty bottle on the floor, "I have to get to work."

"Relax. We called in sick for you.”

“Besides, it's Friday." Marian said in her usual carefree tones. I sat down on the bed.

"Xipil said to give you this when you wake."

"Who is Xipil? And, what is all this?" I asked, motioning to the random items scattered on top of my bed, “There was a white lantern with a hand-painted fuchsia and black pattern of a winged lion with a curly mane, a sixty-four ounce bottle of hand sanitizer, and a copy of Douglas Adams' book Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

"Souvenirs." Marian offered.


"Yes, souvenirs from our trip last night." Jute answered. They were really starting to annoy me with the way they finished each other’s thoughts. Trip? Souvenirs? My head started to throb. Jute again offered me the glass of liquid. It tasted like ginger ale with a splash of fruit. Parched, I gulped it down.

"I don't remember a trip."

"Well, you see..." Jute began.

"I thought it would be a good idea to help you relax." Mari said moving towards the window.

I picked up the bottle. "A hangover."

"Well not exactly." I glared at Jute, but he wouldn't meet my eyes.


"Well I thought it would be a good idea for you to relax without the side effects. So, I told Jute to get the Euphoria from my purse. The guy that sold it to me said it was totally organic."

"You drugged me?" I screamed grabbing the book from the bed. I caught myself before I threw it.

“It was supposed to allow you to abandon your inhibitions.” Mari continued. “I didn’t know that it was that potent.” She laughed nervously. “But, you had fun.”

Attempting to calm myself, I opened the flap of the book. After all, it was one of my favorites. There on the title page was written:

Love Always,

(“Don’t Panic” was the advice inscribed on the cover of the actual book Hitch Hiker’s Guide)

Unfortunately, I was panicking. "Xipil?" Then, I remembered waiting to get inside Luna, the club downtown. That’s where we met Xipil. He had been wearing a half buttoned crimson shirt. I also remembered walking inside a spaceship that looked remarkably like the inside of the spaceship Heart of Gold from the book.

"Remember now?" Mari asked sitting on the bed.

"Seems surreal..."

"Xipil said he knew a place where we didn't have to wait. Who knew it involved intergalactic travel?" Jute shrugged.

Mari sat on the bed then started flipping through the photo album on my digital camera. There was a picture of the three of us outside of club. Then there was a picture of me looking extremely happy posing with Xipil. This was followed by a panoramic shot of a planet with two moons.

"The Two Moons of Yuifuig." Marian informed me.

Then there was the towering club lit with blue electric lights, the larger of the moons looming behind the six story structure. The pictures that followed were bizarre: a picture of Xipil, me (the lantern in my hand), and a lion creature with wings, a picture of me revealing a tattoo on my belly standing beside a carp looking creature. Several pictures followed of me posing with various individuals some humanoid and others not.

I lifted my shirt, there it was, a crescent moon.

"Okay." Surprisingly calm, I set my phone down on the bed.

"So what's with the huge bottle of sanitizer?" I picked it up.

"Xipil said it was a gift." You know like in the book you should always know where your towel is? Well, he said that a real space traveler should always know where her hand sanitizer is.”

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RE: The Morning After - 4/19

Postby D3x3001 » Fri May 20, 2011 12:28 pm

When I open my eyes I can feel the heaviness of the stale apartment air pressing down on me. I sit up from the lumpy couch only to bash my head on a low hanging lamp. How on earth did that get there? A throbbing sensation vibrates throughout my body and I feel slightly queasy. As I swing my feet onto the carpet my mind blanks. In the middle of the floor is a variety of assorted items. My eyes pick up a baby rattle, some sticks of celery, a salt shaker in the shape of a hula dancer, a black box, and around the edges of the carpet a deck of Uno cards. They have been arranged into a circle and the black box is in the center surrounded by everything else. All the attention in the room is on the black box. I drop to my knees and curl up next to the box. My body realizes I'm not wearing a shirt. What's worse is that there is a big mess of ink on my chest. My confusion turns to shock when I realize it's a tattoo of a dragon emblazoned all over my front side. I don't know how it got there or what happened. Last night I know there was a party but that's it. My phone rings and I stumble over to answer it. "Hello?" "I'll be at your door in 30 seconds." That's all I hear before the line goes dead. I stand there dumbfounded. As I look around the room my pulse quickens. The apartment is an absolute mess, and I don't know who is coming over. A knock on the door breaks me from my panic attack. I peer through the peephole and see John standing there with a cup of coffee and some shades on. Opening the door fills my eyes with blinding sunlight and I cringe to see. "Hey dude let me guess, you don't know what's going on, what's on the floor, or why you have a dragon on your chest." I nod while staring at him. He looks bigger, stronger, and a little tipsy. "Yes I am wondering all that. Would you please kindly explain what the hell happened last night?" John pulled up a seat and sat down next to me. "It was your graduation party. After all the regulars had left around 2 am you, me, Adam, and Bob all gathered piss drunk on the floor. As you know Bob is into the occult and crazy poop unicorns and rainbows like that. He said he wanted to cast a spell that would allow us to all become brothers in the flesh. The he claimed we all needed to produce an item for the incantation that was close to our soul. You gave the box, I gave the baby rattle, Adam gave the salt shaker, and Bob gave the celery. He took all the items and placed them in the center of the room. He muttered some words and the lights dimmed. It was freaky. One by one we started convulsing and next thing I know I'm at home on the floor." I stare at him in disbelief like this can't be happening. "John I don't know how I got the dragon tattoo." He looks at it with wide eyes. "Josh I have one too. We are all marked."

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RE: The Morning After - 4/19

Postby treasurehunter » Tue May 31, 2011 8:20 am

My head is killing me and my stomach is already heaving! Running to the bathroom to hug the commode until this episode is over. What happened last night, my head still hurts, there's too much light in the room, my stomach is really hurting, I have a sore throat, and what is this? On my chest there is a tattoo! A TATTOO! What the hell! I really must have been really messed up last night. Okay enough of the pity party, it is time to man up and face the mirror. I look horrible, there are bags under the eyes and my face is swollen and the tattoo is of a First Cav patch. And the horse is laughing at me. Gotta get dressed, but first a shower. The warm water feels so good, my throat is so dry that I begin to drink water out of the shower head! Turn off the shower and towel off, I feel almost alive.

Now the door is pounding! "Open up Pirate, we have wrenches to capture!" Who the hell is this now? Finding my pistol I open the door and find Jimmy. " Damn you pirate you really know how to party!" "What do you mean?"
" I mean you have the entire party rocking and rolling to your impressions of Kenny Chesney and Jimmy Buffett and that pirate outfit of yours was a riot." " What pirate outfit?" You know the one you just made up there out of clothes in the closet, and I don't know where you got the feathers for you hat." This is beginning to sound like a someone must have spiked my drink. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. Ever!

"Now let's go and get on your sailboat" Jimmy was crowing. "What sailboat?" I replied confused. "The one you just bought from the boat broker at the party" Now this is getting serious. "Do you know how much a sailboat cost?" Jimmy was laughing " Yep I do, but you said it makes no difference" You wanted a sailboat and you bought a forty-eight footer!

After I picked myself off the floor with my hurting head, upset stomach, confused outlook on life, We went down the stairs, carefully and slowly, to see this boat. Hell I live sixty miles from the ocean and a forty-eight foot boat is too big for our little lake here. Jimmy said that he would drive and away we go to Kemah, Texas.
After about a two hour drive we were at the broker's office. A middle-aged, jolly, smiling man greeted us at the door and said " I have the boat already serviced, fueled up, stocked with supplies, even equipped the life raft on the deck, checked out the navigational instruments, and you my friend are ready to sail around the world just like you said last night." Ummm, I was not so sure about all of this, but what the hell.

Yep I had signed the paperwork last night at the party, wrote a deposit check and set up financing for the next ten years on this boat. I sure hope I didnot know what I was doing.

She was a beautiful sight, long, lean, with sails up and ready, just beckoning me to come aboard. And I did, like I said what the hell, when life gives you lemons make a margarita and have fun.

I haven't been back to work in over a year now. I just sail, and write and sail some more, and fish, swim, find the tiki bars, flirt with the locals, what a life. I wanted to live my life like a Jimmy Buffett song and now I am!



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