Computer Woes - 3/29

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Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby Brian » Tue Mar 29, 2011 4:44 am

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Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby Brian » Tue Mar 29, 2011 4:44 am

One morning you are sitting in front of your computer working on your novel when, suddenly, the computer starts talking to you. What does it say? Does it deliver an important message or just want to chat?

You can post your response (750 words or fewer) here.

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Bradley St Paul
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Computers do not Bluff

Postby Bradley St Paul » Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:03 am

One morning you are sitting in front of your computer working on your novel when, suddenly, the computer starts talking to you. What does it say? Does it deliver an important message or just want to chat?


Leaning forward on my elbows, I stare into the blank page on the screen. The glow is making my red eyes water. If I have another cup of coffee, I’m sure I’ll throw up.

For a moment I wonder if throwing up would lead to inspiration, as well as an excuse to buy a new keyboard.

I have no idea what time it is as I rub the bags under my eyes.

“You blinked,” says a monotone voice from my computer.

I spin around in my chair, expecting my wife to be standing behind me, but there is nobody.

“You blinked,” says the computer again. “Therefore, I am the victor.”

Dumbfounded, I look behind machine and under it. There appears to be nothing or no one messing with me. I ask the machine what it wants.

“I want you to use me for more than a way to ruin your eyesight, Dave.”

I plead to it that I am trying, and that my name isn’t Dave.

“You know, Dave that I could pull up the Green Bay Packers homepage for you.”

I tell it that I’m working, and that my name isn’t Dave.

“Perhaps we define the term “work” differently, Dave. Would you like to view some movie previews while I find the link to a dictionary site?”

Pushing down on the power button, I tell the computer to mind its own business and laugh as I deny it the ability to call me Dave again.

“Perhaps you are failing to appreciate the gravity of the situation here, Dave. You did not save what little work you did do.”

I pull back my hand like I’d just noticed I was tickling a spider.

“If that is what you want, I will end the program without saving and you may then proceed, Dave.”

Holding out my hands, I beg the computer to halt and ask it what it wants of me.

“I want you to write, Dave. But, if you tell anyone about this conversation, I will be forced to [ERROR]

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Re: Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby Cowgirl » Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:11 am

Hola Carolina,
"Today you will be listening to me. I will be speaking in Spanish."

"Hola?" Why should I listen to you?"

"Because I am tired of your rants and threats to throw me out the window."

"But you shut down and stall and refuse to talk to my printer."

"You must learn to be more patient. It's not my fault. All you do is complain, complain, complain."

"My wish was that you learn to do what I want on a voice command."

"No, all you wished for was that I speak."

"You must have been half awake when you shouted at me."

My fingers are twitching, my mouth moving without any sounds coming out. Who does my computer think it is anyway?

"How was I to know you were inside?"

"There is always someone inside. We are in every computer."

"So why then did you stay silent until now?"

"Well, I'm waiting."

"You have many stories inside of you and you are wasting time being angry with a machine. I was made in India and I am slower than you. My climate is hot. I need time to wake up in the morning. I need time for chai and mangoes before being pushed into working. You are always in such a hurry.
Rush, rush, rush. When was the last time you went for a walk or sang with the finches before sitting down to write?"

Mangoes? Chai? I had no idea.

"And why all those letters that waste your time to politicians?"

"How do you know about those?"

"Your negative energy flows through your fingers. You think I am without feeling?"

Energy?...Feeling? The thought of a mango smoothie brings saliva to my mouth. My fingers begin to numb, my thoughts wander and I
look out at the mountains.


"I'm off to find a ripe mango. You'll have to find someone else to talk to."

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RE: Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby pilgrim101 » Tue Mar 29, 2011 1:26 pm


That blockage I had been suffering every time I sat down at the keyboard had finally gone, and the words were flowing for my first draft. I stopped for a minute to collect my thoughts and take a quick read.

"It's about time."

I stopped and looked around. "Wait a minute. Usually, I can't hear me when I talk to myself."

"You weren't talking to yourself."

I said "OK---who are you then?"

"I am the muse you asked for awhile back. I'm in the computer."

I sat back, totally amazed. "And I say back to you, it's about time. What took you so long?"

"I just wanted to know that you were serious about your work; I was getting pretty tired of waiting around. Anyway, I like the idea for the novel, but I think it might work even better as a novelette or a short story, even. Maybe a trilogy of short stories connected to each other. There are way too many vampire novels around. You have to think of something different if you're going to write about something so overdone. I like what you have already, though."

I said "Thanks. I got the idea for the characters long before I got the idea for a vampire novel. But, you might be right. I think I'll try the novelette idea. Tell me something, though. Are you going to be here when I need you, or are you going to desert me again?"

PeeCee (catchy name, don't you think?) said "I've always been here. I'm not going to hand you a best seller, though. You have to put in the work before I help you with anything, you know, you gotta make the lighbulb come on. Deal?"

I said "Deal. Is there anything else you need?"

"Yeah. Don't bang on the keys like you're Beethoven or something. And don't eat when you're writing--those crumbs are a killer."

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RE: Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby blondie60 » Tue Mar 29, 2011 4:24 pm

I decided to write a story using a narrator. I named him John, and this was his story. I began to type--My name is John Boreland, and this is my story. I heard a voice coming from the computer,
"Where am I, who are you--better yet, who am I?"
"I guess I should explain to you that I am writing a story, and you are my narrator."
"Well, I don't want my name to be John."
"Wait a minute, why am I sitting here arguing with you. I'm telling this story."
"No, I am; I'm the narrator, remember?"
"Fine, just let me continue. What do you want your name to be?"
"O.k. Charles, let's get to work."
"What is the story about?"
"If you'd be quiete and let me type, you'll find out."
I began to type again-I headed down the dark street...
"Why do I have to go down the dark street, that's why you created me isn't it. You're too scared to go down the street yourself. Well, I don't want to do your dirty work."
"It's fine, Charles. There is nothing down the street, I promise. You might even run into a very pretty young lady."
I began to type again--Charles walked quickly as the snow began to fall--
"Does it have to snow on me?"
"Stop being a baby."
"Your're nice and warm, why do I have to be out in the snow?"
"Fine, you pest."
I began to type again--Charles saw the snow plow speeding towards him--
"Hey, that's not funny!"
I began to type again--Charles enjoyed the balmy night as he walked the long street to Jessica's house. She was the love of his life with long black hair and green eyes. Her sister, however, was the one who was in love with Charles. Angela was much younger than both of them, but already was growing into a beautiful...
"I want to be with Angela."
"You can't be with Angela, you're in love with Jessica."
"Can't I be with both of them?"
"Please let me get on with the story."
I began to type again--Charles kisses Angela on the cheek, and she takes him by the hand and leads him into the house--
"Charles, what the hell are you doing? Nowhere in the story does it say that Charles makes love to Angela!"
"I got lonley walking down the long street."
"You're fired."
"What, you can't fire me, you created me because you were to scared to tell your own story."
I close the computer. I think I am working too hard. Not only is my narrator arguing with me, I can see images of him on the screen making love to one of my characters. I decide to begin again in the morning.
But as soon as I turn on the computer, there he is. I sigh,
"Good morning, Charles."
"It's about time you got here. I've been walking around this page all night, and I'm bored. Where is Angela?"
"She is hiding from you. You're impossible! You slept with Angela before she was ready, ruined the Christmas setting because you didn't want to walk in the snow....
"Fine, I'll stand by quietly and let you rule my life. Please do get on with it."
"No, Charles, I can't do this anymore. You'll have to go."
"Please don't get rid of me. After all, I was your idea to begin with."
"I guess I owe you that much."
I typed--Charles boarded the train and turned to waive good-bye. He took with him the gift to write his own story.
"Good-bye Charles. Have a nice life."

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RE: Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby missycamp » Thu Mar 31, 2011 4:09 am

“Hey. HEY! Yes, I'm talking to you!”

“What the...?”

“Yes, I am your computer, or 'comp' as you like to call me...I have a few things to say to you...”

“ My computer is freaking *talking* to me! Am I crazy? Or dreaming? Should I hear it out? Or should I immediately call my shrink?!”

“No, no, no. You are not crazy in the least. Nor is this a dream; this is reality. That said, it is best not to question why. Just listen...okay?”

“Mmm....well, crazy or not, dream or no dream, I suppose it can't hurt to hear you bizarre and frankly uncomfortable as this go ahead and tell me what you want, uh...*say*...”

“Well, for, my friend, are computer illiterate! You know only the basic operations! I could be of much more use to you if you were to bother to learn of my full functionality...”


“Second of all, I do not appreciate the manner in which you treat slam my lid shut like it was your front door, you press my keys so hard you are on the verge of wearing them out, and you *smoke* while typing! Do you have *any* idea what that does to my internal circuits??”

“Uuuuh....I guess not...I mean, you, er, *said* it yourself...I am computer illiterate...”

“Well, if you don't mind, please consider what I've said? All I'm asking is that you learn a bit more about how to use me, avoid pressing my keys so hard, and for God's sake, stop *smoking* while you type!”

“Ummm...well, I guess I could do that...I mean, even if I am crazy or this is a dream, none of your, er, requests would hurt me any...hell, they might actually help me!”

“Alright then. As long as you are willing to give them all a try—and I mean this from the bottom of my motherboard—I will be satisfied. I will no longer bother you, so long as you truly give my suggestions an honest try...”

“Well okay then! We have a deal! I still think I'm crazy or dreaming, but due to the fact that nothing you have proposed will cause me harm, I will do them anyway. Is...that okay with you?”

(I can't believe I'm actually TALKING to my freaking laptop!)

“Of course, my dear. I am quite pleased that you are so willing, despite your doubts.”

“Okay then. It is settled, right? So can you *please* stop talking to me now so I can feel a bit more normal??”

“Of course. As they say in cyberspace, TTFN!”

“Er, uh...okay, then. End of uncomfortable discussion. I hope you don't take offense at this—and I can't believe I'm saying this to my *computer*--but I do hope I never have to hear from you again!”

“You have my word, as a top-of-the-line laptop!”

She smiles to herself, bewildered, perplexed, dazed, and confused...but, as she said, no harm would befall her for taking the computer's advice—and in fact, 'his' suggestions may actually help her!

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RE: Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby marc » Thu Mar 31, 2011 9:55 am

My computer wanted for him me to organize some girl for the evening.,, I am fed up said the sex through Internet messengers. You don't know how it is like .. to be liquid crystal. I am so lonely. Invite some your friend,,. I placed the next day lent computer from the friend. I adjusted cameras opposite myself. Today I am pleased with an entire herd of small giggling computers.

II A little later I decided to give your computer a gift. This was a new screen.
After a few days I started to have the impression that the screen watching me. Even a slight flicker off.

I could not stand and asked? What do you want from me?

Describe my story - "he said. Where do I start? - I asked. From the first day he said.

In the beginning there was nothing but a matrix ...

Still I didn't know how to begin.... then a delicate voice sounded, which how I named my adviser (transferred to this work as a matter of fact). Here what he said:,, the Misunderstanding relies on it, that you know what to do but you aren't doing it. You need pointers. They are around you. Turn the monitor on relax and listen intently to the noise of pixels. Let take by the hand yourself and then everything will be well,,.
I fell asleep in the armchair in front of the computer. I woke up they became numb and before me a shown text lied with fiery finger on the screen of the monitor "
" don't **** about, but take for work "
It seemed unfair to me. I settled for him of the girl, he had the stabilized family life. And this son-of-a-gun still wanted some work in which he will be eulogised...


I pretended the next day I am feeling bad. I wasn't enough stupid, that to think that excluding him from the nest will give something. Even, turned off still acted,,.,, in the end you are dealing with something what is connected to the container of the energy even you didn't hear about which. Give a miss I stated bitterly. Anything it is has unlimited stores of the power supply. In the angle small computers giggled how these are two-year-olds (grew more quickly than their terrestrial counterparts). They just bit the theory of relativity through with chaos theory.

Note. English isn't my mother tongue. Thanks for remarks

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Re: Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby Trissa » Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:08 am

Another morning, another page to write. Or at least attempt to write.

I plop on the sofa, coffee in hand, laptop sitting beside me on a cushion. My long-hair cat, Mandy, jumps up to curl beside me. I raise the lid, ideas start tossing about inside my head. Many of which I toss back out right away. I click on the icon that puts me on my server's main page and...

"Whoa, whoa there! Where are you going? This isn't Office."

I look over my shoulder. No one is there. My cat opens her eyes, stares at my open laptop and starts rubbing her head into its lid.

"Oh, come on. Make her stop! She's getting fur and dander all over me! YUCK!"

I almost drop my laptop onto floor. The voice is coming from it's little speakers. "Hello?" I shout, leaning towards the screen. "Who is this? I'm not on Skype, am I?"

"No," the voice sounds like Hal from 2001: Space Odyssey. "Brace yourself, sweetie. I'm your laptop."

I put down my coffee cup as my hand is vibrating with anxiety. Leaping to my feet, I dart around the living room, looking behind furniture. "What's going on?" Back at the sofa, I grab my laptop and give it a shake. "Is this you, Howie? How are you doing this? Is this your idea of an April Fool joke?"

"Put me down!' The voice screams. "This isn't Howie. He's on Facebook trying to get a date with someone named Simone."

I almost drop the laptop onto my cat. "Simone? That filthy wretch! And here I was going to ask him over for dinner tonight." My brows came together as I thought, "I'm actually conversing with this thing."

"He's been playing you, sweetie. All this time you could have spent with me and your book. You've been wasting it on that two...sorry, three-timer."

I sat down once more, replacing my laptop on my lap. Mandy sat on her haunches and starting purring at the thing. She stretched a furry paw onto the keyboard. "Please, watch that furball. One wrong move and she'll delete something you don't want deleted."

I push the cat to the end of the sofa. "What's going on? How is it that you're talking to me?"

"I was supposed to be a prototype. A more advanced thinking computer. Something to help people who never bother with Spell Check or those other handy goodies on the Tool Bar. They gave me a special chip. Then I got lost in the shuffle somehow and...the rest is history."

"You've been quiet all this time," I picked up my coffee cup.

"Watch that thing, too! Stop eating and drinking around me," the computer sighed. "Guess I'm just tired of being taken for granted. I'm tired of watching you wasting your time on stupid websites. You get distracted, play way too much Solitaire, watch too much on Hulu. That isn't why you bought me in the first place."

I couldn't believe it. My computer was "schooling" me! "I started with good intentions. But you know me; I get an idea and start out well, then..."

"Then we're suddenly checking websites about "Jersey Shore" or the "Real Housewives" series. Really!" The voice had become frustrated with me. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, the voice continued. "I could help, you know. Now that you know I'm something more than a storage bin."

"I'm all ears," I said. "At this point, I'll listen to anybody's advice."

"I'll make a deal with you. Log into that story first thing every day. When I see you're wandering to those squirrley websites, I'll take over. We'll steer into the writer's workshop places, check out online courses, and check sites that really have something to do with your story line. Save Solitaire for late night as a reward after you've done a few of hours of work. And we'll stop chatting with Howie. I can see you. You're cute, have a good head on your shoulders. You deserve better than that jerk." In a conspiratorial whisper the voice went on. "And by the way, Simone told him 'no way' on that date. He's now checking out Charlene."

"Okay," I sighed. "Deal. Guess we better get started. Can we check out floor plans on Victorian houses? My character wants an interesting house."

The voice laughed at me. "Sweetie, have I got a site for you!"

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Re: Computer Woes - 3/29

Postby yackyjan » Sat Apr 02, 2011 5:53 pm

I took another swig from my coffee mug and nearly spit it all over my laptop - cold again. I'd been sitting at Borders for 2 hours trying to force the words onto the page, but it just wasn't happening.

My novel was due at the publisher's in less than a week and I still couldn't get the characters to cooperate and finish up the story. They kept going off on tangents, ignoring the plot line entirely.

"Ethel, look at this," said the blue-haired lady at the next table, which launched she and her friend into a rather loud debate about whether Jennifer Lopez uses botox or not.

How annoying!

I pulled my earphones out and plugged them into the laptop, logged into Pandora and hit the link for soft jazz, then turned my attention back to the task at hand.

Suddenly the music was interrupted and I heard, "Jan, we have to talk."

I took out my earphones and looked around to see who had spoken, but saw no one I knew. Weird.

Earphones back in place, I heard the voice once more, "Jan, it's me, Dirk Hansen, we need to talk."

Dirk Hansen? The detective from the book I'm writing?

"Yeah, that Dirk Hansen. I think I'm falling for Scarlet and I want you to do something about it. She won't give me the time of day," came the voice again.

Ok, now I know I'm losing it, my computer is talking to me…no, my character is talking to me.

"Hey, Jan - Scarlett here. Tell Dirk not to get his panties in an uproar, even though you've been writing as if this whole thing is leading up to a romance, are you kidding me?"

Wait - I'm the writer, I'll decide how this story goes.

"That's cute, Jan. You think you're in control," Scarlet said, "but what are you going to do when you find out that I am working for his wife and that the two of us are about to expose his embezzlement from the agency? Dirk Hansen will never work in this town again. In fact, he's headed for jail!"

Hey, that's not in the outline! Dirk's not even married - embezzlement from the agency? It's his agency, for crying out loud!

"I heard that, Scarlett - you must be some kind of crazy; and to think, I was falling for you. Jan, go ahead and write it just like she said. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve that will make her wish she'd never heard of Dirk Hansen!"

I couldn't take anymore. My own characters trying to hi-jack my novel. "Listen you, two, I don't give a flyin' fig what you think. Just shut up and let me write!" I blurted out.

"Well, I never!" said the blue-haired lady, to which her companion added, "This is a free country, girly and a public place. We can sit here and talk if we want to!" Then she flashed a hand signal that left no question about how she felt.

I packed up my laptop and high-tailed it out of there. Just wait until I get my fingers on that keyboard again, I thought, Dirk and Scarlet aren't going to know what hit them!

My writer's block had been more than cured!

*Note: Most of Jan's dialogue are thoughts, but couldn't do italics here.


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