Groundhog Obit - 2/1

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Brian
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Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby Brian » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:24 am


Brian
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Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby Brian » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:24 am

It's Groundhog Day. Just as the groundhog comes up to decide whether or not winter is over, he keels over. You've been charged to write a nice news article/obituary paying tribute to him, his life and his family.

You can post your response (750 words or fewer) here.

Strawberrygirl
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Re: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby Strawberrygirl » Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:20 am

Punxsutawney Phil saw his last sun today. Shortly after sunrise Phil emerged from his burrow at Gobbler’s knob and died. The honored old timer looked a bit more dazed than usual as he made his way to the surface to carry out his duty. Phil is the oldest living Groundhog, 120 in 2010, this year would have marked his 121 birthday. Members of the community gasped in horror as he did a tumbling roll out of his den, women started to cry and even some men when they realized that he was not going to get up again. Some wonder at our fate now that he is no longer around to predict the coming of Spring, or more winter, some think the apocalypse is upon us. Others expressed outrage as they are sure that the members of the inner circle have slackened in their duty to administer an elixir that is said to keep Phil alive, still I have to wonder if we just might have pushed him too far. Phil will be missed.

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Re: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby joycressler » Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:52 pm

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA -- Punxsutawney Phil has passed into that great groundhog paradise in the sky, that place reserved for all obese hibernators whose only job is to come out of their burrows once a year and see if they cast a shadow.
Punxsutawney police said it was hard to tell that Phil was dead at first, but they finally determined that he must have died in his sleep on the eve of his annual hibernation interruption, February 2. When the mayor of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania tried to nudge the obese groundhog toward the sunlight with the toe of his shoe, the stunned city official discovered that Phil was deceased and that rigor mortis had obviously set in several hours before.
“It was like trying to move a large headstone,” the mayor gasped.
Spoiled by a well-paid groundhog keeper, Phil the Last moved very little during his reign as Groundhog King. His tenure lasted more than a decade, which added to the mayor’s “is he dead or asleep” debacle.
The local veterinarian, Dr. Divine Burrows, said preliminary examination reveals the probable cause of death is, shockingly, heart failure.
Phil was the 23rd beast to serve as the Groundhog’s Day mascot since 1886. His only distinction that set him apart from his predecessors is that he had amassed the longest record for serving as the nation’s springtime predictor. Other groundhogs have come and gone, all starting out as mangy burrowing animals plucked from nature and ending up as animal kingdom royalty. It is rumored that the Chosen One, Phil, was given a daily elixir each year to brighten his life starting a few days before he must crawl from his burrow early on the morning of the fabled day. Maybe it was too late for any such jazzy juice to work for Phil this year -- and maybe some Phil-wannabe switched the liquid for something a little more potent. Police said they will investigate, pending the outcome of the autopsy.
During his tenure as national groundhog shadow seeker, Phil did little to improve the standard prediction rate of 39 percent accuracy on whether the nation would have six more weeks of winter or not. Philadelphians are in a scramble to find an adequate substitute large enough to create a definitive shadow, the mayor said.
In any case, Punxsutawney Phil has gone on to his reward. He is preceded in death by a host of litter mates, most of which grew to adulthood in the forest and lived their natural lives while their brother lived the life of luxury. Phil sired more than a dozen litters of groundhog kits in his prime, most of which have already passed from this life, factoring themselves unwittingly into the food chain once they were released into the wild.
Rest in Peace, Phil #23.
By Joy E. Cressler

loganatr
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RE: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby loganatr » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:24 pm

Some might call this groundhog, just an animal. Some might say he was repulsive and rodent-like, certainly not the first animal you'd want to style a holiday after. And some might say he was a noble animal, inasmuch as he fulfilled his function as one of God's creatures and added to the ecosystem in the world he inhabited.

Now I refuse to do any research, to learn scientific facts about a creature whose whole deal is to run away from literal shadows half the time, but I have to say, I'm really glad that children are in attendance for this funeral. Otherwise, the temptation might be for some of the lesser eulogists to make a joke of this, to- to take away from the nobility of an animal that I literally cannot bring myself to think about even while I'm writing its eulogy; just one of the most symbolically pastiche animals one could remark upon; but with children, our anchors and our future, these proceedings are rightly kept to the serious and solemn mein they deserve.

So, let us remark: who are the noble, the serious, the groundhog-like among us? Who will carry on the spirit of Larry or whoever, the groundhog that I really, I mean, I know we laid him in state and that's cool, but I still can't think of groundhogs as, I mean- they're furry blobs of rodent, right? What do groundhogs look like exactly? How do they mate? Haha, actually, wait, Miss Suzie Clemons knows this one, real interest in science. I'll sit at the childrens' table at the punch and cookies afterwards, let's move this along.

I don't know. What spirit, symbollically, do groundhogs embody? Is it our job, here way at the top of the food chain, to really tie some sort of meaning to them? I mean, to me they kind of embody low-end politicians and the scum and pus attendant on that sort of public figure. Politicians, hmm...

Well that's all the time I have. Sorry this was meandering and wandering, but, really, groundhogs? And to the children I might say: dear Larry was a good and noble groundhog, one of the best, and though we'll miss him, we will carry him with us as long as he lives in our hearts. And though in time he might fade from our memory, we know he's not in pain, so that much is good. Dear Larry is at peace, and may we carry him in our hearts, with us as long as we need him. Goodbye dear Larry!!

loganatr
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RE: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby loganatr » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:25 pm

d'oh!! Obit, not eulogy. Oh, well, I'll leave it up unless the attendant outcry leaves me no choice.

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Re: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby LMGilbert » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:53 pm

Sciuridae, Charles “Chucky” Sr.

A shadow falls over our hearts as we announce the sudden passing of our beloved patriarch, at work, early on February 2, 2011. A dedicated seasonal forecaster and long-time supporter of the United Beavers and Land Beavers Workers’ Collective, Chucky Sr. was preparing to present his annual forecast when tragedy struck. Well respected in his professional field and meadow, Chucky also won acclaim in our community for his active role in the Royal Order of Rodentia.

Survived by Nibbles, loving wife of 32 days, and predeceased by wives Mellow, Cuddles, Daisy, BonBon, Eartha and Pudge; survived by doting children Charles Jr., Bella, Bonny, Woody, Bucky, Buddy, Carlson, Iggy, Rosie, Marmy, Alfred, Digger and Beatrix, as well as numerous grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

An intimate family gathering will be held at The Burrow. In lieu of alfalfa and berries, donations to Research for Seasonal Affective Disorder will be gratefully accepted.

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Re: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby Rodak4958 » Tue Feb 01, 2011 4:42 pm

Wood, Chuck, 10

Chuck Wood, well-respected groundhog and prognosticator of winter’s end, died today at the mouth of his burrow doing the one thing he did well, casting a shadow. Known as “the shadiest character in town.” Chuck’s fame was eclipsed by a certain groundhog of Punxsutawney. Wood’s record of 52% correct prediction vs. Phil’s 39% proves he was the most under-rated land beaver in the field of meteorology. Born in 2001, Chuck died the way he lived his life: in a hole in the ground.

Wood is survived by his wife, Betty, and son, Burl. All members of the family Sciuridae are invited to join them at the memorial service but the widow requests that any hoary marmots confine themselves to the rear of the chapel and refrain from outbursts during the eulogy. Attendees of the post-memorial gathering at the Wood’s burrow are asked to bring a covered dish with grubs, grasshoppers or snails. In lieu of flowers, the family requests liquor and lots of it. It’s going to be a long winter.

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Re: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby Danislayer81 » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:04 pm

Punxsutawney Phil died at noon on February 1, 2011, the day before he was scheduled to make his annual prediction of whether or not spring is around the corner. One of his handlers, Ben Hughes, found him with his nose poking out of his hole on Gobbler's Knob. According to legend, he was 125 years of age, and given a special Groundhog Punch, or elixir of life, every summer. Cause of death is unknown, but it is assumed that either he ate something poisonous or that his heart, at long last, gave out. Punxsutawney Phil was very much beloved and celebrated in the town of Punxsutawney, PA, and Americans across the country and by Canadians too. He will be greatly missed. He is survived by his mate Phyllis, who will likely take over his Groundhog Day duties.

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Re: Groundhog Obit - 2/1

Postby Trissa » Wed Feb 02, 2011 7:48 am

GOBBLER'S KNOB, PA-- February 2, 2011.

Phillip Roy Marmot, aka Punxsutawney Phil, passed to that Great Burrow this morning at his home. He was surrounded by on-lookers who had arrived to witness Phil's annual weather prediction. One witness, noted Grand Poobah and Woodchuck Wrangler Sid Snerdley, stated Phil appeared dazed and confused as he emerged from his burrow. Local veterinarian, G.V. Horseley, believes Punxsutawney Phil collapsed from shock. Mr. Snerdley, attired in top hat, bright waistcoat, and jangling chains could not understand what would have shocked the ancient oracle. Another witness, Madam Oratia Orphat, herself a divinator and palm reader, stated she could barely see Phil herself due to the pressing crowds. "I couldn't hear if he had made his prediction, either. The brass band was blaring away behind me. But," she stated, "I didn't see my shadow, so I predict an early spring."

Phil was preceded in death by his father, Wiarton Willie of Wiarton, Canada, and mother, Wynona as well as brothers Muldoon, Grundoon, and Sand Dune all also of Canada.

Surviving are his comely spouse, Philhelmena, and children: Brandon Bob of Manitoba, Staten Island Chuck of New York, Balzac Billy of Alberta, Canada, Shubenacadic Sam of Nova Scotia, and Buckeye Chuck of Ohio. Buckeye is a well-known archeologist working at Ufferman Site in Ohio.

Phil made his mark in the movie, Groundhog Day. Mr. Bill Murray sent condolences to Mr. Marmot's family saying, "He was the finest actor I have ever worked with. A true pro. He was never late on set and, despite the groundhog's usual antagonistic nature, Punxsutawney Phil had a great sense of humor."

It is rumored that Phil's cousin, General Beauregard Lee of Georgia may take over the position. Mr. Lee's PR staff has not returned our calls for comment.

A memorial service will be held at Gobbler's Knob. The Rev. Wesley Woodchuck will preside. In lieu of flowers, Mr. Marmot's family asks donations be given to your own local chapters of the ASPCA.

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