Unusual Super Power - 11/10

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andyouthoughticared
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RE: Unusual Super Power - 11/10

Postby andyouthoughticared » Sat Jan 09, 2010 2:53 pm

“Honey, I’m home.”

Jamie woke up realizing that she had fallen asleep right in the middle of eating an apple.

“Weird, I could have sworn that apple was a pear!”

“Jamie, are you home?” asked her husband, Shaun.

“Yeah, Hun, over here.”  She called.

“What do we have to eat?  I didn’t get lunch because of an emergency meeting in the office.”

“Leftovers, dear.” Jamie smiled at the thought of Shaun’s ‘office’.  Shaun  was a Park Ranger at the Rosa Park, the local national park.  “What happened this time? Teenagers break in? Tourists get lost?”

“Tourists got lost, I think they were blind, they weren’t able to read the map.  I practically had to show them around the whole park myself.  I thought we had a pear left, what happened to it?”

 Jamie looked at her apple, disconcerted. “I, uh, I don’t know.”

“I want a pear.  I think I’ll go to the store and get one.  Do we need anything else?”

“Wait” Jamie announced, having just noticed that an apple was lying right in front of the chair she was sitting in a minute ago.

“What?  I’m hungry.” Said Shaun, walking into the living room, getting a little annoyed. He was really, really hungry.

“Never mind, go get your pear. Pick up some milk on the way.”

He began to turn around and took a step, but instead of the hardwood floor beneath his feet he felt a cold wet substance soaking right through his favorite pair of gym shoes.

“Aahhhhh, Jamie why the heck did you put a bucket of water on the brand new hardwood flooring?”  Shaun exclaimed, he was really becoming annoyed now.

“Are you insane?” Asked Jamie. “Why would I put a bucket of water on the floor?”

“How should I know? Maybe you forgot to pick it up.” Shaun replied, aggravated.

“Hmmm, and maybe you might have an idea of what I would be doing with a bucket of water.  Oh and here is your pear, I just found it on the stairs. Oh, were there two buckets of water? I thought there was only one.”

 “What? Honey, you need some sleep. I’m going to the store now, thanks for the pear.”

 Shaun was on the highway, nodding his head to the beat of the music. He looked to his right and suddenly felt very faint. There was a bucket of water on the seat next him. Was he doing this? He ignored it until he got to the super market.

As he was in the produce aisle he smelled smoke, and his but felt insanely hot.

All at once he realized, his pants were on fire!!

“Crap, where is the bucket of water when I, ahh, there it is!” He had produced another bucket of water! 

Quickly he stuck his butt into the large pail and instantly the fire was out! Thank god for his Bucket Power.

Meanwhile, at home, Jamie sat among piles of apples, wondering why she had this absurd power.


loganatr
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RE: Unusual Super Power - 11/10

Postby loganatr » Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:35 am

I woke up one day and realized that I knew- I knew what twelve year old girls and old people were thinking. Pretty impressive, right? The shrill, hysterical giggling made sense; and I was equally intune to the discursive babbling and frequent outbursts people come to expect from elderly acquaintances, including parents and grandparents.
Now, there are tons of ways to exploit this talent- Hannah Montana, religion, and airport gift shops come to mind- but I wanted to use my powers for good, not evil, so I set hard to work figuring how best to help these two groups, whose every motivation, if not thought, was easily grasped through whatever emotional Babel fish had invaded my mind.
First, I took a look in the mirror. Was I cute? No, I was kind of hairy. Was I hot? No, I can't pull off soft halos of light. Was I a “Joey,” whoever the hell that is? No, I don't finish my sentences with, “yeah, girl” in a softly operatic voice. And hugs don't thrill me; if I think back to high school, girls were always talking about who'd wanted to give them a hug in the halls before class. It was ****ing weird, but now that I came into this power, it made sense and it's totally not weird at all. OK??????
But surely, just because twelve year old girls would have no use for me until they were thirty year old women, that didn't mean that I couldn't help them??? From the background of their emotional and intellectual lives, I could guide them to a better understanding of the world and a stronger sense of self??? No, I was broke and its hard to get respect from girls' families when you're broke. I'm not trying to do some menial poop unicorns and rainbows like babysit, I'm trying to do glamorous things like teach them about the larger world or whatever you're supposed to teach kids. Math. Euclidean geometry. How not to have good taste in music without being the easily-fooled girl. But no. So that left me with the outliers, who probably believed in magic and were highly touchy, and I'm kind of a basket case myself, so I figured I wouldn't imprint that on their psyches. So it didn't seem like the twelve year old girl thing really worked that well.
But what about old folks? The problem with old folks is they won't take direction. They always want to feel like they're in charge; and even the ones that don't, you want to preserve their dignity so the old fart with his pants chained to his ears doesn't whisper to the old blind lady who's always giving you disgusting cookies that taste like dried cat poop unicorns and rainbows that old so-and-so doesn't know how to manage his own affairs. Old people are just as disgusting and petty as young people, if you think about it correctly, and they're used to young people wanting to be with young people; in fact the worthwhile old ones get kind of creeped out around youngsters who want to hang with oldsters, or decide that they don't like having fun and want to know about the old days, or whatever. I don't know. The bottom line is that the best thing you can do around an old fart is act as a representative of your age group, give them bottled answers about pop culture from three or four years ago that might have finally shown up on their radar, and assume you're talking to an eight year old when it comes to sex. So that's what I did, which again is primarily to ignore them.
So what to do? Haha I'm not going to get around to how the power became useful because I haven't even thought about that, really, just thought that it'd be funny to unite two groups that people usually prefer not to think too indepth about- twelve is an awkward year for most children and old people are just generally assumed to be happy unless they're chewing. But I assure you that I did manage to use my powers for extreme good, saving Thanksgiving despite Greg's obnoxious and ill-timed reference to boy bands' passe nature and the fact that Old Tom gets gassy when he eats mashed potates. Boy, was that ever a story for you!!!

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