Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

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Brian
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Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby Brian » Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:36 am


Brian
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Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby Brian » Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:36 am

Your closest friend has asked you to give a speech at his/her wedding.

You can post your response (500 words or fewer) here.

Neets
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Re: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby Neets » Tue Sep 29, 2009 3:01 pm

I can feel the blood rushing up into my face as I stand to make a toast for my sister’s reception.

I feel itchy and conspicuous in the lavender taffeta getup I am forced to wear as a bride’s maid. The dress reminds me of the Grimace, the purple creature who tagged along with Ronald McDonald. It’s skirt is huge, I have to hold the thing down just to get past all the attendees to make my way to the microphone.

No I don’t have a speech planned, I am going to wing it. My three month old son sits on my husband’s lap and starts to cry again. I had completely forgotten I needed to prepare a speech that is, until today.

“My sister, Cindy and her husband, Carl, or Mr. And Mrs. Wilson,” I start, after that, my mind draws a blank, “are two people who were meant to be together, for all eternity..” I wince at that as giggles erupt from the guests, realizing too late it sounds more like a death sentence than a marriage congratulation.

As the giggles make their way through the audience I lean down low, toss back the rest of my champagne, grab another full glass sitting near me and wait. One one thousand, two one thousand, ahhh… I’m not much for drinking, but this is medicinal.

I continue, smiling now, I decide to go for it… “My dear sister and I have been waiting for our wedding days since we were little girls, we would steal our mother’s bridal veil and tromp down the hallway in her high heel shoes. We performed a wedding for our dogs, Pierre and Fifi, so they would not be together in sin. We married our neighbor boy, myself one week and Cindy the next. We had a wedding for our goldfish.

Carl is the Ken to Cindy as Barbie.”

More snickers made their way through the audience.

“Today is a dream realized, a dream that Cindy could only dream of as a child…” the redundancy of that statement was not lost on me, even after speed downing a champagne. I took a look at the full glass in my hand, saddened by the fact that I had to save this one to toast with.

Seizing an opportunity that was not apparent previously I slowly backed the superfluous amount of taffeta my skirt was composed of into the small flame of the precious little lavender pillar table candle.

“I hope that this dream will flourish and become,” I continued, raising my glass high as my skirt burst into flame. Cries erupted and several guests rushed to douse me in any available liquid.

I added my champagne, smothered out the cinders off my dress with my hands, and rushed off the stage, my taffeta now melted into an abstract form whose close relative would no doubt someday be presented as art at the Met.

“Nicely done!” My husband winked at me as I made my way to the ladies room. He knows how much I hate giving speeches, it’s a draw between that and attending fancy weddings.

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Re: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby apvideo » Tue Sep 29, 2009 3:22 pm

It didn’t come as any surprise when Bill asked me to give the speech at his wedding. (The bride is his ex wife). Hell, Bill and I had known each other in high school over fifteen years ago. So it seemed a natural request to ask me to do the honors and speak. The big question was what to say.

Describing Bill’s character, his witty humor and romantic talents was easy enough. Who didn’t like such a person as Bill. In school he was the person you could count on. If you needed help with a project or homework, call Bill. He would never turn you down. After high school he was still there for you. Once my car broke down and I called him as I was desperate to get some help. Without a complaint or even a second thought, Bill showed up in twenty minutes all smiles with a ”No problem. Let’s get you out of here.“ attitude.

Yup, Bill was one of a kind. Even in college his I’m there if you need me friendship never faltered. Whether it was moving into a new apartment or cramming for an exam, Bill was there.

No, the problem wasn’t Bill. The problem was his fiancée is my ex wife.

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RE: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby blauer1944 » Wed Sep 30, 2009 7:33 am

I remember when I first met Dave's mom, Nancy. Dave was a little guy, full of energy and a curiosity that I knew would be the death of me in the years to come.
I was wrong, we took turns over the years leading each other on journeys through computers, wood working and lots of chores around the house and had a great time.
When Dave asked me to be his best man, it said alot about our relationship over those years, and I thank you Dave, for this honor. I want you to know that I will always be here for you and Lucy, and of course, my grandchildren. In case you didn’t hear, yes, I said grandchildren!
I'm playing a dual role today as Best man, and also the husband of the groom’s mo. So I am finding it hard to separate my rolls and have decided, I really don't want to, I love them both.
I was thinking about what I would say today, and I realized in my thoughts how important today is in the lives of Dave and Lucy, but also in our lives.
A few years ago, Nancy wrote a book, on the history of the Lauer Family. A book she felt was a well researched historical account. Today a new page has been added to the Lauer, Chinea, and Carter history book, and I believe we all know this new page will be happy, and exciting for us all, especially for Dave and Lucy. You two have a lot of living to do together. This page in history will be recorded for all future generation. Fill it wisely, because Dave, you know your mom is taking notes, for her next book!
So, I believe this is a good time to raise our glass and say Dave, Lucy, welcome to our families!

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RE: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby Leah Valdez » Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:51 pm

"Hello friends," says Cari, pushing herself up from the table, a glass of champagne sloshing in her right hand. "I want to toast Lew and Linda, the happy bride and groom.

"Linda's been my best friend since we were in kindergarten together, and, man, the stories I could tell. We pretended to be perfect role models for our peers while playing pranks on them. Strange, they never caught on. We were that good. When we picked up tests, we would deviously change answers.

"When a student challenged the teacher, saying, 'I didn't write that! That's not my answer,' Linda and I would smirk at each other, while the teacher said, 'I can only go by what's written.' 'But that's not even my writing,' the student protested. 'Well, then, please explain to me how it got there.' The student never could because no one would have believed that the two nicest girls in the class would have finagled it.

"Sometimes we would even stick a nail in the tire of a teacher we didn't like. And all our shenanigans were our secret.

"You might think we would have stopped playing pranks at some point. We never did. Why, just last night while you guys were having your bachelor party with all those whores..." Linda's face turns white, and she tries to get Cari's attention, but Cari is too far in her cups to notice. "Anyway, Linda and I had the brilliant idea of disguising ourselves as whores and joining the party.

"Linda kept her eyes glued to Lew who at first was rather stand-offish, but as more drinks arrived and the girls began lap-dancing, Lew began to respond. Suddenly, his jeans became too small, and he pulled them down and sat the girl with no underwear right on his thingie, and you can guess where that lap dance progressed.

"Linda got even, though. In a throaty voice, she asked, 'Hey, guys, what do you think of this?' And she unzipped her dazzling gold dress and let it fall to the floor, revealing black stockings and garter. No need to say, the men went crazy and were on her like bats to caves. Yeah, she got even, all right.

"Me? Oh, I just had to get proof that Lew was ****ing, so I went over to him, pushed the whore aside, pulled him off his chair and did it right on the floor. He was so eager."

At this point, Lew and Linda silently get up and leave. "Hey, guys," I said, "I'm not through with my speech. That's rudeness for you!"

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RE: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby inmyownwrite » Thu Oct 01, 2009 5:52 pm

Years ago, when Linda and I were single, young and carefree, we often talked about our future and what we would look for in a mate. We spent many hours contemplating just who that would be, what he would look like, where we would live, etc. I'm here today to say that Linda has found her perfect soul mate and she has married him today. I know Linda as well as she knows herself and I couldn't have chosen a better mate for her than John. They are kindred spirits who belong together and I just know that they are going to have a long and happy life together. My wish for them is for them to be as happy as they are right at this very moment for the rest of their days.

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Re: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby PhoenixRising » Fri Oct 02, 2009 5:07 pm

So here I am. A bridesmaid again. This time I got a promotion. Im now the maid of honor. This is the fifth hideous dress I had to plaster this fake smile onto my face and say that I love it. All this while wishing I would "accidentally" trip and ruin the damn thing. Who has canary yellow dresses in their wedding anyway? I sit here drumming my freshly manicured nails on the table before more and half listen to Doug, the best man delivering his speech. That same old B.S. about how they were meant to be together and hes so happy. Blah blah blah. I wish I had just said no. What was I thinking? I don't even like her that much! With a nudge from my left, I realize that I have let myself get carried away in thoughts and I am late for my speech. Well, here I go. Holding my glass mid-air, I begin:
"Well, I'm not really one for public speaking, but seeing as how I said yes to Dina, I guess I really have no choice."
A few chuckles from the guests. I wish someone would catch the bathroom on fire and get me out of this!
"Well, these guys have been together for what, six-seven years now? I would say it's about time. But in all honesty, I never though I'd see this day come. Hell I figured I would've been married by now with two point two kids."
More chuckles. " But I guess that my dear old brother decided he would finally give into his warden. But I guess not everyone is lucky enough to find someone to take that plunge. I do wish you guys luck. I mean, what kind of sister would I be if i didn't? So here's to you."
Everyone lifts their glasses. As I sneak out the back, I wander how many strange looks I'll get when I walk into the bar with this ugly dress on.

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Re: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby Leond » Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:40 pm

Everything has to be a contest in my family. Seriously. Everything. Maybe that kind of thing happens whenever you take a bunch of people with different personalities and tell them that they have to like each other. I personally believe that it's an Incan curse of some kind. Either way, there were times when it could get really bad.
Such as my brother Fred's wedding. Fred and Jane were an excellent couple. These aren't real names, because as you will see, we have reason to protect our anonymity. Anyway, I was more than happy to get the chance to give a speech when Fred asked me to. It should have been a lovely occasion. But then my family's competitveness messed up everything. And believe it or not, here's how.
I won't go too carefully over my speech. Suffice it to say that it was reasonably innocuous. You know. The good times that I had with Fred. How wonderful Jane is. I'm sure that you guys will be totally happy together. Innocuous, but utterly heart-felt. When I had finished, my cousin Arthur came in.
I won't say that his speech was identical to mine, because there were in fact significant differences. In the wording. And nothing else. But we weren't done yet.
Because my father hadn't quite thrown in his oar. "Two fine speeches!" he said. "However, they're both missing something." He took a long pause. But long pauses are only dramatic when there's some suspense as to what's going to come afterwards, and for us there was none. "Both of those fine, fine, only fine speeches are missing any reference at all the good Lord in heaven above! Because after all, what's the use of giving a wedding speech unless that wedding speech indicates how the wedding is blessed by God? Because without that, such 'fine' speeches could be blessing the marriage of two people of the same gender, and there's nothing fine about that. So let's all have a toast to God! And heterosexuality!" Mother nudged him. "Oh. And, um, to you two, one man and one woman as well."
That certainly wasn't the end. Next up would come in one of my other cousins, Bob, in predictable response. "Another toast! This one goes to rationality! Rationality and logic which, opposed, not aided by foolish blind faith led us from our state of primitives to our current state of having mastery, one might say dominion over the Earth and all things. Rationality! Guider of the greatest of human thought." Someone nudged him. "And also guider of you two meeting. Because your coupling is, um, rational. Surely."
Before Father could reply, Aunt Helen was already toasting. "I give a toast to hate. We have come to celebrate the love of two wonderful young people, but what is the use of love when not composed to hate? Hatred, say, for a man, pardon, person, who never interacts civilly, who never cleans up, who never thinks, who never does anything but exist? Does not this hatred deserve equal recognition along with their love? Um, because of the opposite thing that I just mentioned towards the beginning."
Aunt Helen's recently estranged husband hurriedly rose up. "I also offer a toast! A toast to speedy separations. Because, um... I guess the opposite thing that horrible, horrible creature just mentioned. Or whatnot."
Another cousin, Ethel, stood up before that argument could continue. I shall offer a similar toast. To myself. Because I am a wonderful person. I am working on a doctorate in science, and have recently published a book that may be purchased for 16.99 in hardback or a mere 7.99 in paperback and containing much useful and fascinating information that only one such as I could have written. Because, um, as a couple you will surely follow my example of stunning ability.
Then it was my grandfather's turn. "Oh yeah? I offer a toast to the year 1482. Although I wasn't there I read about it, and I happen to know that that was a time when age was respected and people knew their place! Unlike these young whippersnappers nowadays with their skateboards and algebra and paperback books that cost money. Give me trade and bartering any day! Which is a good toast because, um, you two will be as good a couple as 1482 is good is a year. Whippersnappers!"
And the next second, in a pure display of collective family love, the entire family stood to give many, many more toasts simultaneously and with increasing love represented by the passion of our voices. I say our because about halfway through this, I realized that somehow I was doing too, toasting not-plagiarism or not taking more cake than is your share or something. Meanwhile, the bride family, not feeling that it could compare to our love, stayed silent, and the bride and groom silently stole away. The curse had struck again.

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Re: Best Man/Maid of Honor Speech - 9/29

Postby LoReina » Sat Oct 03, 2009 4:14 pm

Ok. So first, I would like to start off by saying congratulations! And I, ahem, I, I think that you two really, really, I mean really, lucked out here.
We all know how crazy relationships can get. The ups and downs, the struggles, the infidelity, the break-ups and make-ups... the protective orders
No, I'm joking, I'm joking...ok, so not really! Like when Judy got drunk two nights ago and made out with my ex-boyfriend...Jules, I forgive you, babe.
Got it! No...no, don't boo. Please don't boo me. Don't boo. I know this is her third marriage and all, but, after you get to know her, she's such a...
she's such a...oh, how can I keep this P.G., she's such a lovely, lovely person when you're not a) her friend b) her relative c) her neighbor
or practically anyone in a 12 inch vicinity of her. Oh, and don't think you can loan this chick money...key word here, LOAN! That means you pay it back, dumbass!
Ok, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm gonna keep this P.G. folks...I promise.
Oscar, sweetie, you're such a great catch too! Oscar is a great catch. This is the part where you all would say, "how great is he?"
He's so great, that just last Saturday, he was sucking face with my kid sister on her graduation day from Brown Law School. Yep, just last Saturday, the perv!
You know I paid for her STD screening, right?
Ok, you know what? You know What? If someone else throws one more fudging thing up here, I'm gonna come down there and...
Oh, forget it....Judy, your rash is showing again, honey!
Cheers!

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