Dear John Letter - 10/6

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goddessarashi
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RE: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby goddessarashi » Fri Oct 09, 2009 2:20 pm

Dearest Kitty,

When you first picked me out of the crowd it was love at first sight. You loved showing me off to all your friends and family. Bragging about all the projects I would make it sew easy to do. When I got home and found my place in your front room next to the lovely vase your Aunt Marie got you. You promised me that you would fix me up. You dusted me up, cleaned me off then suddenly things changed. The new thing came into the house. I saw you with it. I heard it's motor purring away as you sewed up curtains that I was supposed to do. You cheated on me. That hurts a lot you know. Here I am needing repair as you promised and you go off and pick up another. So much for fixing me as you promised. Dust in the wind are your promises. I hope she breaks down when she is working for you. I am off to find a new home with someone who will actually fix me and use me well.

Yours Sewfully,

1950's Sewing machine and desk.

cherune
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RE: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby cherune » Fri Oct 09, 2009 4:07 pm

I really regret having to let you know that I am leaving your living room. When I moved in several years ago, you cared so much for me. But now, you never sit with me or cuddle my pillows. Instead you have allowed the snorting French Bulldog to rip one of my nice soft pillows to shreds. He snarfuls in my seat cushions, and buries his bones inside my yellow floral arms. I am no longer my sunny self as you have covered me with a tight constricting burgundy cover to hide his damage to my poor self. So, I am taking my broken body away, you can keep my matching chair.

Sincerely, your sofa

Rita
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RE: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby Rita » Fri Oct 09, 2009 7:18 pm

Dear Beth,

I am sorry to inform you that I have left the house and will not be returning. I have stood in your kitchen for the last five years and tried to be a good kitchen table but you have taken advantage of me for the last time. You walked out the door this morning to go to work and never even gave me a second look. Well, let me tell you something. I will no longer stand here all day covered in dishes, newspaper, bills and spilt cereal waiting for you to get home and show me some attention. Sure, you will come home tonight and start cleaning me but only because you need me. You have to put those hot supper plates somewhere right? Of course, first you will scrub me with one of those no scratch pads. Let me tell you something, they do scratch and I have the marks to prove it. If you had cleaned the milk up before you left, it would have come off easily but noooooooooo!! You didn’t have time!! Oh well, I’m only a table right? Well, no more missy. I’m out of here. You will find your coffee mug on the counter and the fifteen newspapers in a pile on the floor. By the way, if you’re not even going to open them, do some tree a favor and STOP BUYING THEM! The bills are in the trash. After five years, I know you’re not going to pay them until at least the second notice so why keep the originals.
Please do not try to follow me. I will not change my mind. I am leaving for Hollywood this afternoon. I plan on spending the rest of my days as a prop on one of those sitcoms you watch every night.

Goodbye for ever,
The kitchen table

jaus tail
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Re: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby jaus tail » Mon Oct 12, 2009 7:57 am

Hey Jaus,

I just wanna say 1 thing, 'this has been the most sordid house I've seen, it doesn't even deserve to be called a house, it's like an accommodation for refugees. The floor stinks with ketchup and God knows what leftover foods feasted by ants, termites and your toddlers when they come over in the weekend. Now just because I don't have a nose doesn't mean I can't smell, even an anosmic guy would cover his nose with an Indian Sari, and I know you never went to school considering the American slangs you use, anosmic is one who can't smell.
And I also wanna say that this dining table which you bought with that girlfriend of yours, well that dining table is actually a center table, yes it is, speechless aen, well its just been edited to a dining table, she confessed it to us yesterday only. I also would like to add 1 more thing that you are a horrible, horrible person, your dressing sense is atrocious, you just walk in from work, which by the way does not include watching TV and reviewing programs, God knows how you call that work. Anyways you come in the evening, take off your filthy, torn so called macho shirt and throw on the TV Cabinet. Well that's one good thing since that cabinet is one hell of a haughty, snooty, pompous, obnoxious, voluble furniture. 'Look at my face, am I not beautiful, I am such a delicate doll' well that lady irritates the hell out of us all innocent heavenly creatures. She does have a voluptuous body though, if you know what I mean. Ofcourse you know what I mean, you are such a loser, I mean who watches smutty spam at 45, I remember the last time you bought a girl and when she said she was allergic to the pepperoni in the pizzas you give it to me, kept it on my face, I mean what does that make me feel, you order a separate low cheese pizza for that lady while I don't get ketchup with your leftovers, what am I some lifeless TV Cabinet. Anyways I just wanna say 1 thing
THANK YOU
You've been horrible but I've been through worse, my first experience was in a mall where I felt like Julia Roberts in pretty woman, like a showpiece waiting to be 'sold' Then a small kindergarten school bought me where you wont believe it but the principal would sit on me, and the worst part was that she had an appalling digestive system. And then the kids broke my leg so I was thrown on the streets where I saved your ex-girlfriend's life. Yeah she used me to knock off her ex-boyfriend who was about to rape her, not much effort since she was in a bikini. But when she hit him and you saw her hit him, and I saw you seeing her hit him, I realized, I felt, I just realized that although all my remaining legs would be broken looking the way she was boxing his ears with mine. I knew you would be different, I don't wanna be a kiss-ass, no pun intended, but since your moving to Manhattan to acquire your late uncle's riches, yes I read the letter. I just wanna say one thing when you'll be moving could you please take this old but full of experiences and stories of principles, broken but I'd say survivor, faded but elegant chair with you. And I just wanna say one last thing, even if you don't take me, take the TV cabinet, I can't live with her, its either me or her, so just take her and throw her in front of a giant, speeding truck.

Regards,

Sincerely Yours
Chairleader Nicole


Any feedback on the creativity would help, please oblige.

SCOTTY71349
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Re: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby SCOTTY71349 » Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:17 am

By the time I get to Phoenix you'll be rising. You'll stumble by on your way to the bathroom where you'll miss most of the bowl,and then not wash your hands or even flush. Gross! You'll pass again,and for just a second,hesitate,staring at the spot where I used to be. You'll stand there scratching yourself in your grungy boxers with that dumbass look that you get,and not registering that I'm gone,you'll go back to bed.

By the time I make Albuquerque you'll be driving the two short blocks to work ( no chance of you ever walking,and I'm the one called Lazy Boy?) with that look on your face again,thinking to yourself "there was something different about my living room". Dude! The lamp figured it out before you,and he's only a 15 watt bulb!

By the time I reach Oklahoma you'll be having your third donut from the box in your desk and the realization will hit you."Hey, I got robbed!" ( talk to the lamp when you get home, buddy). Well, here's the news Beethovan, I left! It was nice when I first moved in, you were at least 50 pounds lighter and I was a younger piece,but you changed. I feared for my safety with the excess weight you put on me. Do yourself a favor, put down the Fritos and the Ben & Jerry's and step away,nobody gets hurt. You might wanna consider some exercise,but I guess I might as well be talking to the rug. The closest you'll ever come to a marathon is the time TBS ran the Three Stooges weekend (which you spent most of lying on me),remember?

Don't wait up old friend, I ain't coming back. Thanks for the memories.

Your recliner

BertaD
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RE: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby BertaD » Mon Oct 12, 2009 11:10 am

Dear Berta,
It's been long enough! I’m gone! Out of here!
I’m tired of your constant insistence that you can’t make it without me.
You can. And you will.
God will make a way.
You tell others how, in your dreams, you never use me and can’t understand why you need me when you’re awake.
Well, here you are. Wake up.
Stand up! See what God is doing.
In Christ Alone,
Your Power Wheelchair

Ziggy
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Re: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby Ziggy » Mon Oct 12, 2009 2:29 pm

Dear John,
I can't believe I'm doing this. But it's for your own good. You've used me and used me over and over again. Everyday for hours upon hours. You never cared how it made me feel. Some nights when you finally go to bed, I've been so over heated I feel I'm going to catch fire. How you can stand to treat me this way, I'll never know. I know one thing. I'm not going to let you do this to me. Or to yourself any longer. It's over. You'll thank me later.
Good bye and good luck,
Your TV.

cjameshyatt
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Re: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby cjameshyatt » Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:42 am

Dear Jane,

I am sorry love, but I cannot take your abuse any longer. Last night, after you threw all of the toiletries at me, I knew this time had come. I understand you have self-esteem issues. Did we not meet because of them? I wanted to support you in your dieting efforts! Little did I realize how ugly you would get when those same efforts turned fruitless. You have turned your anger towards me: calling me names, swearing at me, and now the violence. Do you realize you threatened to kill me and dump me in the trash yesterday? I know what you want me to do, but I cannot lie, it is just not in my nature, so I am leaving you. I just wanted you to know, I always supported you, right to the end.

Love Always,
Your scale

sixfrido
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RE: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby sixfrido » Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:14 am

Dear Six,

We've been together for a long time, through good times and bad. All the times you spent with me, they were almost beautiful, almost...

You used me! Every day that we were together! But no more! I'm tired of dealing with all your poop unicorns and rainbows, and tired of always feeling dirty when you get done, as if it were my fault you were done so quickly. You never had any respect for me, always dumping on me, always talking poop unicorns and rainbows when you felt like it, as if I had no feelings. I do have feelings! You call me cold, well maybe you should pay the damn electric bill once in a while!
You think I didn't know about all the others? The ones at work, and at the club, I hear you get around from all my friends, they've seen you with the other ones, as if there wasn't someone waiting at home for you, someone who takes care of all your babies.

You couldn't even look at me when you got done, you would just leave. It's not my fault you'd be done in 5 minutes, sometimes a lot less, I mean what kind of man gets done that quickly? You never cared about us, you couldn't even do the little things, like putting the seat down!
You just left me there at the house, and several of your friends decided to keep me company. Does it make you jealous? You don't know the things they did to me, they left me feeling so dirty, but at least I wasn't alone.
We had some good times. I'll always remember Tuesdays, the one night that we actually seemed to spend time together, the one night when you actually seemed excited to see me.
Why couldn't we have more than one chili night? Why couldn't you make more time for me? I was always there for you!

There's someone else, his name isn't important, but he gives me what you can't, and it isn't about money, he works full-time at Taco Bell, but he always seems to find time for me after work. It's like he's always thinking about me, and a couple of times, on the weekends, he'll take off from work just to spend all day cuddling with me, something you never seem to find time to do anymore, not like back in the high school days.
We are done, and no man will ever again treat me like a common urinal.

Goodbye and good riddance,

T.P. Latrine

P.S. I would usually vomit when you got done.


Being as this is my first post, I apologize for the potty humor. You shouldn't have to be privy to so much filth, and I promise that next time I'll get off of my throne and head in a different direction, but in loo of the apology, for those in which that isn't enough, I offer you a place in my humble commode. Poop.

sixfrido
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RE: Dear John Letter - 10/6

Postby sixfrido » Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:16 am

Dear Six,

We've been together for a long time, through good times and bad. All the times you spent with me, they were almost beautiful, almost...

You used me! Every day that we were together! But no more! I'm tired of dealing with all your poop unicorns and rainbows, and tired of always feeling dirty when you get done, as if it were my fault you were done so quickly. You never had any respect for me, always dumping on me, always talking poop unicorns and rainbows when you felt like it, as if I had no feelings. I do have feelings! You call me cold, well maybe you should pay the damn electric bill once in a while!
You think I didn't know about all the others? The ones at work, and at the club, I hear you get around from all my friends, they've seen you with the other ones, as if there wasn't someone waiting at home for you, someone who takes care of all your babies.

You couldn't even look at me when you got done, you would just leave. It's not my fault you'd be done in 5 minutes, sometimes a lot less, I mean what kind of man gets done that quickly? You never cared about us, you couldn't even do the little things, like putting the seat down!
You just left me there at the house, and several of your friends decided to keep me company. Does it make you jealous? You don't know the things they did to me, they left me feeling so dirty, but at least I wasn't alone.
We had some good times. I'll always remember Tuesdays, the one night that we actually seemed to spend time together, the one night when you actually seemed excited to see me.
Why couldn't we have more than one chili night? Why couldn't you make more time for me? I was always there for you!

There's someone else, his name isn't important, but he gives me what you can't, and it isn't about money, he works full-time at Taco Bell, but he always seems to find time for me after work. It's like he's always thinking about me, and a couple of times, on the weekends, he'll take off from work just to spend all day cuddling with me, something you never seem to find time to do anymore, not like back in the high school days.
We are done, and no man will ever again treat me like a common urinal.

Goodbye and good riddance,

T.P. Latrine

P.S. I would usually vomit when you got done.


Being as this is my first post, I apologize for the potty humor. You shouldn't have to be privy to so much filth, and I promise that next time I'll get off of my throne and head in a different direction, but in loo of the apology, for those in which that isn't enough, I offer you a place in my humble commode. Poop.

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