Swim Club Scare - 8/11

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Brian
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Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby Brian » Mon Aug 10, 2009 11:44 am


Brian
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Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby Brian » Mon Aug 10, 2009 11:44 am

You and a friend break into your neighborhood swim club late one night to go for an after-hours dip. While splashing around in the pool, you go into shock when a dead body floats to the top. Worse yet—it's someone you know. Write this scene.

You can post your response (500 words or fewer) here.

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Re: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby jaus tail » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:29 am

McCoy was a regular kid, not too popular, not too geeky, not too flamboyant and certainly not too shy. At 14 he and I had found the perfect friend in each other in our school. Once there was a jocks high school party in our neighborhood, McCoy was invited but he said he'd rather hang out with me who must be the only one not invited. Since he had favored me by not letting me sulk into cookies and TV that evening I had to oblige his demand to take out my Dad's Ferrari and give it a sneak peek, from inside, when the wheels are moving. We both didn't have any license but I had received my pocket money last week so there would be no problem with the cops.

As we drove back to my house, I stop the car and come out tired.

McCoy
Its ok no one saw us there, no one will know a thing.

I
But its a sin.

McCoy
You need a shower, come lets go in the neighborhood party for a quick dip, its probably over by now.

I
But that wouldn't change anything, you know that.

McCoy
Then maybe that's how God wanted it, now come on before anyone sees you like this all sweated up with me.

Both of take off our shirts, go in the pool and stand in front of it. McCoy dives looks at me standing behind. He comes to me.

McCoy
Come on, there's nothing you can do about it now.

And I dive in the pool, drown my face in and emerge out, cry. He hugs me.

McCoy
Its ok, come enjoy the pool. The water is still warm.

Both of us take some splashes in the water. We decide to see who can hold his breathe longer, both of us take a deep breath and descend in the water.

I come up but can't see McCoy anywhere, I turn around see a body in the pool.

I
Come on McCoy you're not aqua man.

All of a sudden 2 hands grab me from behind and I hear a shout near my ears, I turn around and see its McCoy laughing at me. Seeing the tears of fear in my eyes, he hugs me. I hold him, then look behind.

McCoy
What's the matter?

I
If you're here, then who's there?

I point at the body. McCoy turns around. He swims towards the body, brings it to me, turns it, and both of us are hell shocked to see his face. I start shouting and crying when McCoy shuts my mouth with his hand.

McCoy
Shut up you idiot, you'll get both of us in jail.

I
But McCoy, he's the, he's the same guy who came under my car. How can his body be here?

McCoy
I don't know, maybe he wasn't dead then and... I don't know.

I
But he'll be alright right?

McCoy
Dude he's dead, probably was half dead when you drove your dad's car over him.

I
I couldn't see him in the dark and we put his body in the car standing nearby.

McCoy
I guess that car must have belonged one of these party goers.

I
But then why would they bring it here, let alone leave it here.

McCoy
Maybe this time instead of trying a regular doll these dudes went for a dead doll.

He checks the body sees piercing's and scratch marks on it.

McCoy
See these marks, they've definitely played with this corpse in the body, what freaks.

Both of us get shocked to hear police sirens, we leave the pool immediately. I rush towards the gate when McCoy holds my hand.

McCoy
Not there, that's where they're coming from, hurry hide behind the house.

Under a bush, behind the house we see a big convoy of police cars on the gate, surround the house on all sights. A senior cop comes from a van and shouts on a mike.

COP
You're been surrounded on all sides, better surrender.

We decide to surrender when

MAN's VOICE FROM ROOF OF THE HOUSE
Better finish our demands or else

And we hear a gun shot and a hunk falls from the roof, we see his dead body and a bullet shot in his forehead. We look at the roof, see a man standing there with a gun.

COP
What are your demands?

MAN
You can start by bringing my brother inside. 2 cops without guns, bring him in.

COP#1
You mean the dead one in the

And man on roof fires a bullet at the cop, he falls and dies.

MAN
He is my brother, we have always committed all crimes together, rape, theft, rape, kidnap, rape, murder and rape. I don't know which bastard drove over him and had the balls to put him back in my car. I only wish I hadn't let my little brother alone there.

2 COP drag the dead body towards man on roof.

MAN
Be polite, is this how you treat your 14 year old brother. Oh my poor baby, so what if you're not a part of the crime, you're still our gang member (fires some shots in the air, laughs like a freak).

I
(whisper to McCoy)
Told you he was dancing like a kid on the road... What are you looking at?

Both of us look inside through a window and see it lit by candles and torches. We scan the room when, we see all party guys on their knees, hands behind their backs, on the ground with 3 guys standing in front of them with guns in their hands.

McCoy
Great now we're stuck on one side, relieved with the loss of guilt of the accident, only to be overshadowed by the fear of death on one side and embarrassment on the other. If we the cops see us, everybody would know we tried to gate crash the party, what image would be left of ours?

I
So now what?

McCoy
Lets make a sneak peek.

I look at the hostages inside, happy a little that our bullies were in our place now but more anger for the kidnappers for trying to hijack our school's representatives. Whether we liked or not represented it, these muscle hunks and cheerleaders were the one who put are school on the state map.

I
We cant leave these guys trapped in here.

McCoy
What can we do?

We see 1 guy inside checking out a girl in bikini. I make frog's voice.

McCoy
What are you doing? You'll get us caught?

3 gunmen inside look at us, we duck and hide.

I
Are you with me?

He gives me a high 5.

I
Here's the plan.
(I whisper in his ear)

We see cigarettes and bottles outside lying near the bush , I crawl and get them. I make more frog's voice, a hostage girl looks at me, I take off McCoy's wet shirt and slide my hands over his chest, hostage looks at me confused. I try to kiss McCoy, he pushes me away, I grab his hands and slap him. Hostage grins like she got the clue and feels itchy inside makes noises. Shakes her body like she wants to itch, cries slowly in pain, like desperate to itch, all other hostages look at her. All 3 kidnappers look at her, 1 goes to her, lifts her, grabs her hands, she resists. Other guy tries to help him and holds her from behind.
I enter the house from other window.
The 3rd guy is laughing the fun other 2 are having with the girl. I sneak up behind him with a beer bottle in my hand and am about to strike him when a gun shot, smashes the bottle into pieces, gunman#3 looks at me, points his gun at me, 2 gunmen push the girl away and point their guns at me. I look at the place from where the gun shot came, see stairs and a man come from the window, its the man on the roof with a striking resemblance to the dead man on the pool. He nears me, points his gun on my head. They all gunmen look at me with their guns ready to pop all its bullets in my shaved chest.

I
Please don't kill me I'm still a virgin.

MAN
Really.

I
Yes

I take off my pants.

I
Look at my legs, back and chest do I look molested, I don't wanna die a virgin.(start crying).

MAN
Sorry, but when smarties like you get all the jobs and achieve all the engineering feats its hunks like us who get the streets, drugs. Even the modeling agencies don't hire us anymore, even Ms. USA is now expected to know the Capital of US, where do we go then?

I
Don't kill me.

MAN
We've suffered enough, first the immigrants and now the local penguins, (spits on me) Good bye shiny penguin.

He is about to press the trigger when a burning beer bottle strikes his hand dropping the gun, all look at the place from where it came, we see all hostages standing free with McCoy who sneaked from the window from where we saw this all. We see all with burning beer bottles in their hands,

I
(grin)
Show them what East End High School is about McCoy.

Man looks at me.

I
Please don't kill me, I'm a virgin.

MAN
You bloody jackass. Kill them all.

I run, hide in the darkness and run upstairs. All hostages and McCoy hurl the bottles at the gunmen. Gunmen duck, man tries to backfire, when a burning bottle strikes his face and burns it. Hearing the hustle of the bottles the cops break open the door and take control of the situation by shooting the men down with snipers and machine guns. I go on the roof and embrace the wind from up there, spread my arms, all look at me, I bask in the pride, but feel cold, look down only to realize I'm standing in my boxers, so what I am a Tom Cruise fan and start dancing.

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Re: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby jaus tail » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:38 am

If anyone reads this please give a feedback, preferably not on the format, I'm working on it, just give your word on my writing skill.

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Re: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby Leond » Tue Aug 11, 2009 7:11 am

jaus tail:
I'm not going to lie to you. There were a few moments when I felt you hadn't quite made your story explicit on some necessary details, so it could get a little confusing at points. Still, all of what I did understand was really creative and cool. Being a little more precise is the only advice I would give you.
But feel free to say that I should shut up, because I'm not a professional writer. I'm just writing back because you asked.
P.S. Nothing wrong with the format. Script is great for getting across a story quickly and immediately.

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Re: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby Leond » Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:39 am

This all fits the prompt more or less, except that it's in third person. Is that cool?

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" said Joe, looking nervously around the dark and empty streets.
Rich, his companion, continued to try and open the locked door. "It's a fantastic idea, bonehead. We need to get clean, and we need to do it without anyone seeing us. What's better for that than a pool after hours?"
"Fine. Then open the door, would you?"
"I'm trying! It's just that my hands are a little... slippery right now."
Rich's hands were a little bit slippery, but that wasn't the reason that he was having so much difficulty opening the door. In fact, his hands were shaking, both with nervousness over what might come next, and with anxiety over what had just happened a few minutes ago.
The scene was replaying in his head over and over again. It had started the day before. Joe and Rich were doing their little act on the streets to try and get the money they needed to buy bread, when a man had come and asked to speak with them. He spoke in an obviously fake raspy voice, and hid his face with his hat. He had dangled a hundred dollar bill in front of them, and then had explained they would get plenty more if they would do a job. Then he had described a place and a person, and said that the person would be at that place at eight o'clock the next day, and then had said vaguely that it would beneficial to certain parties if he were to not leave that place. Joe and Rich had snapped at the offer. They had seen plenty of death in their time, and though they didn't have any significant crimes to their names, they didn't care much for the police and law and order. The next day, the person had arrived like clockwork. He was bigger than Joe and Rich had expected, and it took twenty stabs to kill him. When it was over, Rich had suddenly felt dirty, not just from the blood staining him, but in a far deeper way within. He had been trying to hide it from Joe, because Rich always liked to be the unemotional, calm one, but inside the matter was driving him crazy. Somehow, he hoped that washing away the evidence would help.
At last, the door swung open. Joe and Rich walked in, and heard their footsteps echo like gunshots in the silent hallway. The door shut behind them.
"All right," said Joe. "Where are the lights?"
"To hell with the lights!" Rich whispered, sharply. "We don't need attention! We'll use this!" He pulled out a flashlight that he had managed to steal from a hardware shop a while back. It was small and dim, but it gave them enough light to get to the pool.
"All right," Rich said, laying the light down. "Get off your clothes. We're going for a swim."
After stripping naked, the two of them started to try and wash off all of the stains on their bodies. As they were starting, there was suddenly a very loud plop noise coming from the opposite side of the pool.
Joe, curious, climbed out of the pool and grabbed the flashlight. He walked over to where he saw what looked like a dead body. He turned it over and shrieked. "Rich! Rich! It's the man we just killed! He's in the pool!"
Rich climbed out. "Stupid. That's not possible." He went over to the wall and turned on the lights for the pool, figuring that it couldn't draw any more attention than Joe's outburst. Then he gasped.
Not only did he immediately recognize, even from his distance that Joe was absolutely right about who the man in the pool was, he also saw that the entire pool was filled with blood instead of water, and that it was now dripping off of him.
"Someone's messing with our heads," he said, after thinking for a few seconds. "I don't know how, but that must be it. They saw us do it and they... I don't care. Let's get the hell out of here."
Hoping to not look conspicuous, they took the time to redress before going to the door. But the moment they did, they saw that it was locked from the outside. Meanwhile, somehow the body in the pool was being floated closer and closer, while the bloody pool was starting to overflow.
Rich worked frantically on it. Finally, he sighed in relief. "I've got it. Let's go."
They ran into the locker rooms. Rich closed the door behind them Suddenly, there was a sound coming from their right.
"Do you hear that?" said Rich.
"I heard it," said Joe. "It was from the showers."
Too curious to resist, they walked over to the bathrooms. There was another shock. The showers, toilets, and urinals were all spewing blood out onto the floor. And sitting in the middle of it was the body that they had left in the pool.
Without saying anything, they both ran back into the locker rooms, only to find that the lockers had all moved, stopping them from leaving the bathrooms. The two of them tried to push them down, but they absolutely wouldn't budge, and there was no way to climb over them to them. More and more blood was coming up, and the body was floating gently at them from the bathrooms. They screamed.

The next day, a janitor found a rather grisly scene in the pool. There were three of them. Two of them were found floating in the pool, face down. They have not as yet been identified, because their front sides have been so remarkably eaten away, as if they had been floating in that water for years. The third, a more affluent looking person, covered in stab wounds which were oddly absent of blood, was sitting on the lifeguard's chair, smiling at the other two. It has been chalked up as "Unexplained" in police records, and remains so to this day.

By the by, is everything going okay with you, Brian? Normally all your prompts are so nice and cheery, and all of a sudden here's one with the death of someone you know. Something you want to share?

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RE: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby robsad79 » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:35 pm

I'm new at this. So please give me time for my writing to improve :)

“So what do you think?”
I wait for my friend’s answer. I get nothing. I can see her with her blackberry, most likely doing another text to her boyfriend. I have to say her name at least five times before I get an answer from her. “Megan!”
Finally she looks up. “WHAT!”
I roll my eyes. This was supposed to be a girl’s night. We were going to sneak into the pool and not think about our latest guy problems. Okay, maybe my guy problem. But Megan told me she would be there for me.
“Can’t you at least put the blackberry away for an hour? Just one hour, that’s all I’m asking.”
Megan nods her head, but I see the eye roll she gives me. Note to self, never to ask Megan to go on an adventure.
Megan and I sit down at the pool just sticking our feet in. As we are kicking our feet talking about the latest gossip in the neighborhood, I feel something hit my foot. Looking down, I see nothing there.
I tap Megan on the shoulder. “Last one to the deep end is a rotten egg.”
Megan laughs and the two of us get up and prepare our jumps. Right before my jump, I hear a door slam. Megan goes in first and I look to see who might have come in. I’m thinking its Mr. Anderson who will yell at us again like we are still seventeen. Nobody is there, so I jump in the pool and swim as fast as I can. I get to the deep end and hit the floor at the end of the pool. “Ha, beat you!”
Wait, where was Megan? I find her in the center of the pool. Her face is in complete shock or is it horror? It’s hard to tell. I wipe my eyes and see her looking down at something. I swim over to the center.
“Is that?”
I look closer to what Megan is looking at. Yes, it is. The guy I’m dating, Jason is floating in the pool. But he’s not floating the right way.
Megan looks at me and tells me we need to call 911. All I can do is nod my head in agreement. I just stand there in the pool looking at his body. We only dated for a month, but he and I were really getting along. I could see a future with him.
I look up to find out what Megan is doing. Where did she go? I would assume she would just use her blackberry to call. I get out of the pool not caring if I’m soaking wet and freezing. I turn to the front entrance of the pool. I see Megan fall to the floor. Is that blood? I look back up and see Nick. Nick the ex boyfriend, the reason I came here tonight to get away. He has a knife in his hand.
“Danielle, I’m so happy I found you.”

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RE: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby Shlee » Mon Aug 17, 2009 8:53 am

This is my second post ever. Feed back is always appreciated.


“It’s ****ing hot out here,” Jamie said, wiping his brow. The two of us sat on my apartment’s deck. It was humid, as most Delaware summer nights tend to be, and we had nothing to do. That wasn’t new, but we were tired of it.

A glimmer caught my eye. Jamie must have seen it, too, because he was out of his chair, screaming, “I’m going swimming. Are you coming?”

The pool had been closed for hours. The only light came from a harvest moon. I’d never skinny-dipped before and with no lights, no one could see my special bits.

As Jamie hopped the fence, it clattered and echoed in the otherwise quiet night. He dove in and I heard a refreshed, “Ahhh,” while I was struggling to climb up and down the fence without making too much noise. I succeeded in doing just the opposite. No one seemed to take notice. I eyeballed the pool.

“What are you waiting for?” Jamie demanded.

“Shut up,” I mumbled and stripped to my underwear. I sat down at the edge, slipped my foot in the water and shivered. It was cold but it was just what I needed.

“Stop stalling,” Jamie shouted and splashed me. I responded by kicking water in his face, then complied by jumping in with a nice cannonball, if I do say so myself. After I’d gotten over my chills, I removed the rest of my clothes and came to realize what I had been missing in all my years in hiding.

I was feeling good until Jamie decided to take advantage of my self-liberation. He casually “brushed up” against me. I splashed him away when, like a bad movie, he called from the shallow end.

“What are you splashing at?”

I swam to the closest edge and leapt out of the water like a trained dolphin. “Get out. There’s somebody in there.”

In the moonlight, I could see Jamie’s face was surprised and doubtful. Instead of getting out, he swam to where I pointed. A minute later, I heard his voice, softer than usual, “Hey Steph, you might want to get a flashlight.”

My cell phone was in my towel, so I grabbed it and ran, still free, into the shallow end. Jamie swam over. I shined the light from my phone on a mess of black wavy hair. I held my breath and he turned the body over.

It was my roommate Sam. She hadn’t been home for a few days. From the trail of red that followed we knew that whatever had happened was recent and wasn’t an accident. I bit my tongue and looked away. Jamie pulled her out of the water, looked her over and said, “I’ve been waiting?” The words had been carved into Sam’s body.
“Is this for me?” I asked, looking around nervously.

Jamie studied her, “This isn’t good.”

She was pale, make-up streaming down her face. Her eyes were still open, staring as if someone was behind us.

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RE: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby Nedlo » Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:13 am

Payback
By
Nedlo Wise

My name is John Miles. Now this name would not mean a whole heck of a lot to most folks living more then 50 miles beyond the four cardinal points of even the cheapest compass. However in Little Forks Arizona; John Miles, James Parker, and Roger Littleman were well known by most of the town's people, and especially Sheriff Bill FlatIron.

The town's name Little Forks would leave most big city dwellers with the impression this was a dusty speck on an Atlas road map and stuck in the middle of cross roads leading to nowhere. In fact most of the people in the town would have liked to keep that image alive. The truth is that the richest of the rich had discovered this town and were quite content to keep the less advantaged out of there sight.

Just slightly more then 100 years ago, forts and double wall cabins with gun ports were built that kept the ragged poor and bandits out of private enclaves. Today these old relics of the past have been replaced with high fences that surround fancy homes and recreation areas. There is a golf course and a couple of landing strips with planes that would bring in anything the outside world had to offer.

We weren't really bad kids, but some of the pranks we pulled would sometimes drive Sheriff FlatIron crazy. He never really came down too hard on us, and on more then one occasion would more or less get in our way when it looked like we were headed for real trouble. In a sense he saved three lives that could have been destroyed by prison time.

The most tempting thing for us was the fenced in swimming pool. In the hot dusty Arizona desert, that long sparkling blue pool was a beacon, and it would be the gold standard for a good prank. As I recall, on that night we had a couple bags of fermenting cow dung that was going to be liberally spread over those blue waters after we got done splashing around.

We made it into that enclosed cool blue oasis, skinny dipped to the bottom and floated on our backs from one end to the other. I was halfway across the pool when my head bumped one of the guys. Then I realized James and Roger were at the other end getting the dung sacks ready. There was someone else with us.
The first thing I recognized was the Sheriff's badge and then the face of Bill FlatIron. He was buried a few days later and someone in the rich community had gotten away with murder.

It's been fifteen years and those high fences still stand, but today the electric gates willingly opened up for me and my deputy Roger Littleman. James Parker now a top crime specialist with the Arizona Rangers had cracked the old murder case of Sheriff Bill FlatIron and we were there to make an arrest.

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RE: Swim Club Scare - 8/11

Postby Nedlo » Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:13 am

Payback
By
Nedlo Wise

My name is John Miles. Now this name would not mean a whole heck of a lot to most folks living more then 50 miles beyond the four cardinal points of even the cheapest compass. However in Little Forks Arizona; John Miles, James Parker, and Roger Littleman were well known by most of the town's people, and especially Sheriff Bill FlatIron.

The town's name Little Forks would leave most big city dwellers with the impression this was a dusty speck on an Atlas road map and stuck in the middle of cross roads leading to nowhere. In fact most of the people in the town would have liked to keep that image alive. The truth is that the richest of the rich had discovered this town and were quite content to keep the less advantaged out of there sight.

Just slightly more then 100 years ago, forts and double wall cabins with gun ports were built that kept the ragged poor and bandits out of private enclaves. Today these old relics of the past have been replaced with high fences that surround fancy homes and recreation areas. There is a golf course and a couple of landing strips with planes that would bring in anything the outside world had to offer.

We weren't really bad kids, but some of the pranks we pulled would sometimes drive Sheriff FlatIron crazy. He never really came down too hard on us, and on more then one occasion would more or less get in our way when it looked like we were headed for real trouble. In a sense he saved three lives that could have been destroyed by prison time.

The most tempting thing for us was the fenced in swimming pool. In the hot dusty Arizona desert, that long sparkling blue pool was a beacon, and it would be the gold standard for a good prank. As I recall, on that night we had a couple bags of fermenting cow dung that was going to be liberally spread over those blue waters after we got done splashing around.

We made it into that enclosed cool blue oasis, skinny dipped to the bottom and floated on our backs from one end to the other. I was halfway across the pool when my head bumped one of the guys. Then I realized James and Roger were at the other end getting the dung sacks ready. There was someone else with us.
The first thing I recognized was the Sheriff's badge and then the face of Bill FlatIron. He was buried a few days later and someone in the rich community had gotten away with murder.

It's been fifteen years and those high fences still stand, but today the electric gates willingly opened up for me and my deputy Roger Littleman. James Parker now a top crime specialist with the Arizona Rangers had cracked the old murder case of Sheriff Bill FlatIron and we were there to make an arrest.

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