You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

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Energized Aspirant
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Re: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby Energized Aspirant » Wed Jul 15, 2009 6:04 am

"Are you insane! The implications..." My mother gripped the rail of the hospital bed.
"Are dreadful, I know. But I think Hitler is a beautiful name and it's time the ominous nature surrounding it was broken. He will make a new legacy for the name-- a legacy of which to be pround instead of ashamed."
My father spoke next. His usually fair, stern tone trembled. "Hitler Von much as I have told you not to care what others think...well, Sweetie...that's no reason to give them a reason to talk...this--this is...I mean, you can't. You just can't."
"My son, Hitler," I let the name hang in the air for emphasis, "will forge his own destiny and not be driven by the history of his name. I trust you will support him in that endeavor."
My husband just stood silent. I had told him to. He was not one for confrontation and we knew there would be conflict.
"Please, Honey, just stop and think for a minute. What you are doing to him, it will make his life much harder than it has to be." My mother looked for a weakness in my husband's eyes, a doubt, but he was a firm in this as I was. "I will not go around telling people that the name of my first grandson is Hitler. What will they think! My Ladies Aid group just discussed the Holocaust yesterday evening. Oh, what will they say?"
"Yes, Mom, what will they say? Why does it matter? My son is not Adolf Hitler, nor will he be. A name does not determine course of life--not for my son. He is stronger than that. The past may influence the future, but it does not control it."
I could tell that I had won. It was a dirty trick to shove her own words back at her, but necessary. I was a new generation just as much as my son, and I could be influenced, but not controlled.

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Re: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby kref » Wed Jul 15, 2009 6:44 am

We fought over easier decisions, so why should naming our baby girl be an exception? We agreed immediately on one thing, however. No existing family names.

Her mother’s family, Golden Sunrise, Prairie, Sunset, Brave Wolf, Little Sparrow and Sunshine were wonderful, loving people. Their Native American names, however, sounded more like an environmental report than a roll call of people to my ears. Meanwhile, her father’s family in Nashville preferred predictive names from their Pilgrim ancestors like Chastity, Truth, and Charity. Talk about labeling a kid for life!

Only after we were engaged, did Faye find the courage to tearfully reveal to me her birth name of Faithful Eagle.

And don’t get me started about my immigrant Jewish family. The ones who saddled me with: Yitzhak Tzvi Epelstein. Yes, that’s what my birth certificate says. Not Isaac Opal, but Yitzhak Epelstein. I was as reluctant as my bride to confess my own secret identity. When my Faye first tried pronouncing this and other names in my family, she asked if she could buy a vowel.

My family always named a child after a deceased relative who lived a long life, In Jewish families, there is a strong taboo against naming a child after a living relative, because of fear that the angel of death may accidentally fetch the younger Moshe when sent for the older one. I’m that lucky child to be first born in the family after Uncle Yitzhak, of blessed memory, passed. Faye and I therefore prayed day and night during Faye’s pregnancy for the health of my Grandfather. That way, no one would suggest naming our precious princess after my Grandpa Hyman, may he live forever.

My father was right when he predicted that starting a family would make me more observant.

After reading a pile of baby naming books, we settled on a girl’s name we really liked – Robin Lee Opal. Our task was then retroactively justifying it to the relatives.

Robin’s a native creature. A nice name for a daughter to Faithful Eagle and granddaughter to Little Sparrow.

Native American family: check.

Robin Lee turned out coincidentally to be the name of a country singer from Tennessee, thank God. An exception to Pilgrim names in Faye’s Nashville clan was country singers, as pointed out by her uncle Hank Williams Smith and cousin Hank Williams Smith Jr.

Tennessee family: check.

Two down, but we weren’t expecting similar divine intervention to placate my family.

We tiptoed around the naming decision as we shared our usual Sunday brunch with my folks. We took the cowardly route of telling Mom first, while Dad was fetching more herring from the fridge.

“We’ve decided to name our daughter Robin Lee. We hope you like it.”

A tear in the corner of her eye made my heart sink.

“Please say again honey, I don’t think I heard you right,” she softly asked.

As we repeated the name, she pulled a pen from her purse and spelled it out on a napkin. As always with Yiddish, she only wrote the consonants.

“Is this right?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Shlomo,” she shrieked. “Come see the name of your future granddaughter!”

I felt a rush of guilt.

“Isn’t it wonderful, they’re naming her after my great grandparents, Leah and Ruben!”

Faye choked on her bagel.

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Re: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby Leond » Wed Jul 15, 2009 2:04 pm

No matter where you go, there's a Joan to be found
And a Peggy's a Peggy the whole world round.
I could go on and on until I lost my breath
Telling you how to shorten Elizabeth
But I'll settle with mentioning Liz's, Ellie's, Beth's and Bette's
And leave to you the finding of the other epithets.

But tell me have you ever seen
Tell me has their ever been
A Fallinapallinajembalejay-

You tell us, we see it, she'd better be Sue
But we tell you most firmly that Sue will not do.
And I know that we'd find ourselves terribly pained
Were our child Jessica'd, Frieda'd, or Jane'd
Such is not her fate, oh no, no way.
For hers will be a name you don't see every day.

Yes tell me have you ever seen
Tell me has their ever been
A Fallinapallinajembalejay-

We acknowledge her schoolmates might not treat her with love
When she introduces herself as the above
And also there might be a some interesting troubles
When she is required to put her name into bubbles.
But to avoid all of that we have found a great way.
She can go by her middle name, which is chosen as "A"

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Re: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby prescriber » Wed Jul 15, 2009 2:59 pm

“I don’t want a trendy name… when she’s older it will give away her age”

“What are you talking about?” He said “How will a name give away her age? Unless we call her something like Circa 2009?”

“I want a good solid, old fashioned name, with some class: How about Elizabeth or Grace or Emma?

The nurserys are filled to the brim with Emmas, Graces, and Ediths. The names of the forties are alive and well again. The classics are just too trendy right now.”

So, Mom & Dad, that’s kind of how the conversations went, for several weeks.

We wanted to give her a name that was classical and would reflect our deep religious beliefs and family values. The values that have allowed us to live pleasant, productive lives, never resorting to tv, movies or any sort of “pop culture” for our entertainment.

We found a name that proclaims her as one who values humility, modesty and unquestioned obedience to her God. A name that is spiritual, chaste and truly classical..

So, please welcome our newest family member…… Madonna.

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Re: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby coldblooded » Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:58 am

“What?” I said.
“Does my grandbaby have a name yet?” My mother pressed as she danced with my 5-day old daughter.
“Guyana,” my husband said, scooping the baby out of my mother’s hold. Her smile stretched tighter across her face, “Ohhhh…isn’t that…interesting.”
“Isn’t that a country?” My dad asked as he took another sip of beer, flipping through the channels. “The game should’ve started at three,” he murmured to himself.
“Yeah, dad.” I said. “Can’t get anything past you.”
“Don’t sass your father,” my mother chided. She pinched her nose and began pacing a little. “This okay, honey. We can fix this.”
“Fix this?” my husband asked.
“Yes, James,” she said. Her eyes opened wider than pie tins. “You can’t actually believe I’m going to let my grand-daughter go around with a name like that.”
“Oh, yes, we can.” My husband and I responded as one.
“Don’t be ridiculous!” She softened her gaze. My mother came up on me with that same look she’d used to make me bring 4 dozen bars for her church bake sale. I hate baking and usually anything that involves following directions. But, I love my mother—most of the time.
“Why don’t you two just shorten it to Anna?” She asked with her best Bambi impression.
“Because, Astrid, we want to call her ‘Guy’ for short.” My husband said, handing me our daughter. I understood why as I caught whiff of Guyana. I shot my husband a dirty look. Really? He just shrugged. He didn’t have the patience for sh**, especially when it came to my mother. She looked absolutely horrified as if I’d just made fun of her beehive. Meanwhile, my father took his position in the E-Z chair as he’d apparently found the right channel.
“Mom, why don’t you help me change her while they watch the game,” I said using my best “Minnesota Nice.”
My mom marched into the bedroom. Jim and dad both mouthed “Thank you” to me as I followed her in. She was on me as soon as I closed the door.
“Gloria, you can’t be serious about this!” She hissed in a low voice, taking my baby from me as if I’d threatened to sell her on the black market.
“Mom, is it really that big a deal?” I sighed. I thought new moms were supposed to get some sort of special treatment after bringing a living being into the world. Sitting down on the bed, I was more than happy to have her take care of Guyana.
“Yes, it is.” She said and then cooing at the baby, “Yes, it is. Yes, eet eesss.”
“What would you like me to do about it?”
She smiled wide, “You could name her after me honey.”
I laughed and my lower half started to ache more than usual. Then, I looked up and realized she wasn’t smiling anymore.
“Fine, just forget it.” She said.
“Oh, mom, you have a lovely name.” I said, doing damage control.
She rolled her eyes at me and fastened the diaper.
“I just wouldn’t want kids to make fun of her for that, mom.”
She laughed, “What on earth do you mean?”
I picked up Guyanna and headed for the door. “Nothing, mom. You can call her Anna for short.”

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RE: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby JettRink » Thu Jul 16, 2009 6:58 am

I hadn’t cared much for my family from an early age, so there weren’t that many people their when Michelle gave birth – it was a five-pound boy with bright green eyes and a full head of black hair. He looked more like his mother than me, which was that classic French-Asiatic mix. The eyes were mine.

It was probably around 11 p.m. when he finally popped out, but I wasn’t really paying attention to be honest. It was snowing, though – hard. I believe the head on T.V. said it was a “blizzard!”
That sealed it. We made an agreement about this long before I knocked her up, so Michelle knew what was coming.

After all the gore was mopped up and my wife comfortably sedated, my parents come in gushing with joy. It was their first grandchild and my Mom had been crazy for one of those for fifteen years.
Immediately she was after Michelle for the baby. Turning over our first born was a necessary sacrifice for silence.

“What’re ya naming ‘im?” my Dad asked proudly.

“Arctic Thunder. It’s two words, no hyphen.”

The response was as priceless as it was mundane. Both of my parents were dumbfounded – not a word rattling around in their minds; didn’t even get a dropped jaw or anything.

“We decided that if it was a boy we would name her Eisley Anne and push her in the direction of fashion design. If it was a boy, and it was, we would name him depending on the season. As it is winter, Arctic Thunder. I was fond of Jungle Strike, but things didn’t work out that way.”

“I… don’t understand,” my mother finally managed to mouth.

“In six months he leaves for Japan.”


“In six months he leaves for Japan.”


“With a name like Arctic Thunder we’ve really limited him to gay pornography or ninja. He needs to start young to be an effective assassin.”

Finally! The dropped jaw. Both of them. My Dad immediately spun and left the room. My Mom was clutching the baby – she looked ready to protect it like a mother bear.

"I… I… can’t believe this,” she said handing me my son. “Jesus, what have I done? Why?”

She left the room in tears.

Michelle was beaming. It could have been the drugs, but I doubted it.

“You think they’ll ever call again?” she asked.

“I hope not.”

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RE: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby gracewjones » Fri Jul 17, 2009 6:47 am

Fourteen hours of labor and finally I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms. I looked up at my husband as he stood smiling over me and the baby. The doctors had done a wonderful job stitching his head wound shut. He had fainted during delivery and had connected smartly with the delivery bed on the way down. You could faintly see the traces of purple around his left eye coming in. The start of a beautiful shiner.

He leaned over kissed my forehead and ran his thumb over the smooth brow of our baby boy.

"What should we name him?" He asked me.

"We've never decided," I said. "So many baby books and we never choose one."

"I have an idea," He said. "Lets pull out a dictionary and choose a name at random. No one will ever know. We can make it work."

"Alright," I said. "Let's give it a shot. If it's too ridiculous, we have to change it."

Of he went in search of a dictionary. We had asked the doctors and nurses to hold our families at bay while we choose a name. The doctors told them we needed more time with the baby.

"Here, I found one," he said striding to the side of my bed.

"Okay, flip it open," I said.

As he opened the book, I held my breath. Please don't let it be too horrible. I watched as he blindly ran his finger down the page. He stopped. Opened his eyes and read our son's name.


"Fremescence," I repeated.

"Yes," he said. "Its not too bad. I could have landed on French Fry."

"Alright," I said. "Fremescence it is." I looked down on my sweet baby boy Fremescence. "We should call him Frem for short."

"Are you ready," my husband asked me.

"Yes," I said. "Let's introduce him to the world."

The doctors and nurses ushered everyone one in and after they ooed and ahhhed and cuddled and coddled. My Aunt Patsy, the crazy one, asked "What did you name him?" A dozen eyes turned upon the three of us. I looked up at my husband and he nodded.

"Fremescence," I said simply.

The outcry was immediate. The room was filled with simultaneous outbursts of "You can't name your child that" and "Think of the humiliation he'll suffer in school".

The sounds of a dozen family members crankily crying out alternatives. My father turns to the nearest nurse and asks if it's too late to change it to something more normal like Richard or Doug. The nurse shook her head and walked out of the room.

The noise was building, like the sound of humming grows as you venture closer to a bee hive. The baby was starting to stir and cry and my husband and I could only stare bewildered at our family.

Finally, Aunt Patsy asked, "Well what does it mean?" Everyone fell silent, curious.

I said, "The grumbling sound of an unhappy group of people."

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RE: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby ironvic » Fri Jul 17, 2009 8:08 am

"Jarhead." Everyone was stunned and slackjawed, reacting to Irene's name for the new baby.

Mother wailed, "Irene, no!" It was bad enough that Irene was a single mom, refusing to marry the father. But now, this. Would her unhealthy heart take this new outrage from Irene?

Brother Jack growled, "I always knew she was a little nuts."

Lt. Jason Riley, USMC, step brother to Irene, grinned, "Well, I guess it beats 'Leatherneck.' Can't have a little sister named Leatherneck, that would just be wrong. Ya know, now that you mention it, her head is kinda shaped like a bottle..."

So Jarhead it was, and now Jarhead is a fine, upstanding young lady. She excels in math and science at school and is majoring in chemistry. She's always concocting stuff like napalm to take out to the desert for "fun and games" and even made up a new kind of smokeless powder for target shooters. It's become the world standard for power and accuracy. Jarhead already has a job lined up with DARPA after college. She's specializing in weapons development.

I wonder how Jarhead would have turned out if Irene had named her Buttercup (that was her second choice).

I'm just glad Irene didn't want to marry me.

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Re: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby radiome » Sun Jul 19, 2009 6:53 pm

“We have a couple names that we threw out there, but nothing has stuck or struck us yet. We’re kind of in limbo.” I held the rail of the bed and touched my little girl’s face with the inside of my pinky. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched my wife hold the best thing that has happened to us.

“Well son, we struggled to find a name for you. It was tough, grueling. Your mother and I bantered throughout the night you were born, in this same hospital. But you’ll find one, and it will be perfect for her.” explained my dad. My mother nodded in agreement but most of her attention was directed towards the baby.

“Yeaaa, honey there were so many variables.” she said.

I was sorely amused, because my name showed no forensic evidence of any kind of struggle, purely plain as a piece of paper. I wondered how, and why, the wheres and the whens before, as a youngster, but never thought to ask.

“A struggle dad? Jonathan-David-Henry……Smith was a struggle. Really, what was the struggle narrowing a list of fifteen FIRST names down to three?”
“Now there Jonathan-David-Henry that name fits you perfectly.” said my wife softening the conversation. “Your parents did well with your name.”

I guess they did. I recalled a memory from second grade. The roster for class portrayed some kind of cosmic alignment. There was a Jonathan, David and Henry and their last names were succinctly alphabetically ordered and they were my closest friends.
I never thought finding a name for a baby was this hard. I sort of wish hospitals were equipped with lottery ball machines.

“Well what names have you thought of?” my parents asked.

“um..” I hesitated and thought set up.

“Jessica!” my wife blurted. “Jessica was one of them.”

Strangely my parents pondered. They’re at that age where pondering is all they do. My dad was tall and I wished to be taller than him as I grew, although I came up short. Today I remember vividly, all things childhood, like no other day. Our baby cried between her mother’s arms, between her huddling family. Suddenly, pondering stopped.

“Jessica, I once knew a Jessica,” exclaimed dad as he folded his arms. “She was my date to the prom in highschool. Of course, before I met your mother. “

“You went to the prom with Jessica Miller! You dog, you never told me?” mother yelped.

Okay we could rule out Jessica. I mumbled.

“How about Jennifer? Jennifers are always sweet, plus they’re looks can get them anywhere but don’t be fooled, they’re the smartest. Was that a choice?”

“Yes Dad but….?”

“Oooo, Cindy is good too!” interrupted mother. “ She’ll be bubbly, have a soft voice and she might be a tom boy.”

“Huh? What? No!”

“Just promise us not Jill. Definitely not Jill.”

Then amongst the chaos my wife spoke.

“Heather Kayla-Addison Smith.” she whispered. “How about Heather Kayla Addison Smith. She’ll take after her dad.”

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RE: You Can't Name Your Baby That! - 7/14

Postby Katrina Rychling » Fri Jul 24, 2009 7:34 am

“So did you decide on a name?” asked Aunt Sue.
“Yep.” I said with a smirk.
“Well are you going to tell us what it is?”
I called my husband over.
“His name is going to be Azeroth,” We said in unison.
“Azeroth, what the kind of name is that. Where did you get that name?”
My husband and I smiled at each other.
“Well, we both met in the land of Azeroth playing World of Warcraft. It seemed the perfect beginning for our son’s life because it was where we began our life together.”


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