Losing a Loved One - 5/17

[dibi]

Grant

You're dead.You are really, really dead. You are the deadest person I know. I am angry. I am seriously pissed off. What the hell were you thinking? Did you honestly consider us when you decided to jump out of that aeroplane? Yeah, yeah, I know you have been doing it for ages and you told me that it was better than sex-thanks for that one- but honestly.

Did you ever consider the fact that parachutes are packed by human beings who by their very nature are fallible?How many times did we argue about this?How many times did I ask you to think of the kids and I every time you went skydiving?Once? Twice? Ten million times?How many times did I stand at the kitchen window, staring at the sky, waiting for you to come back from the club.Every time you were a little late coming home- I understand that a good jump had to be celebrated.Every evening that I stood there waiting for you I prayed that you would come home alive and now,you're dead.

What is it with you and adrenaline? I remember when we first met- you on your big Harley and me walking on the sidewalk with my book in my hand. You weren't even wearing a helmet. You looked like Achilles, tall and blond and indestructible.Can you remember when our eyes met for the first time?It felt like forever.You asked me if I wanted a ride and honey, I never got off.I got off on you.That time you took me abseiling.I wanted to die but you were there, holding the rope, telling me to be gentle with the cliff. What about the time we went cage diving in Africa?The Big Whites in False Bay near Cape Town were so close we could touch them.You did.You told me afterwards it felt like you've died and gone to heaven.Not funny.

Then the kids came.I could see your flame burning lower and lower.With their never ending demands and constant attention seeking you seemed to have lost your mojo.That is why I did not want to say too much when you joined the sky-diving club.I understood that you needed it like other people need air and water.I know that I needed to work on myself , too.Child bearing plays havoc on child bearing hips, let me tell you.For better or worse, they say.God, I loved you. I love you.

That's why I don't understand what the hell you were thinking. Do you think-did you think I would not find out about Carol?Man, did I pray constantly for your safe return from that infernal club. You were there every Friday, every Saturday and every Sunday and then sometimes during the week as well. You know what really got to me?That Saturday when the kids and I decided to surprise you at the club.When we got there and asked where you were, they told me that you were in the air.They also told me that it was a big day for you and your girlfriend because you guys were going to do you one hundredth jump together, in tandem, in the nude.Apparently it was tradition.Strangely, nobody knew who I was. The kids and I- we didn't stay to watch.That evening you came home and you made love to me the way you always did.You left your packed parachute in the garage, like you always did. How easy it is for a line to break.Quality these days is not what it used to be, you know.

Do you remember when you went to the club this morning how niggly the baby was?I asked you if you would remain to babysit so I could run to the pharmacy to get medicine for both me and him?You didn't want to, telling me that you were quite sure I could cope and you took your 'chute and left. You waved at me and told me you would see me later.Yeah,right.I saw you on the six o'clock news tonight, a wet spot on the LZ.Pity about Carol.You two should really stop this tandem thing.I suppose you did, now that I am thinking about it.
I will report you missing tomorrow morning-nobody at the club knows me, remember?A good thing we got all the paperwork up to date last week-thanks for the policy.I would sure hate putting the children in day care.

Happy landings

Your wife

[JAG1971]

Dear Brian,

Your passing was so sudden and unexpected. You were my brother and my best friend all rolled into one. Who will I confide in now? No one else understands me. I was always the proverbial square peg in the round hole, but you always accepted me as I am, no judgement.

I probably never told you enough when you were living just how much I appreciated you and how proud I was of you. You battled drug addiction your entire life and many other serious hardships, but somehow, always had time to help other people battle their own inner demons.

There is a large community of people who are struggling to cope from your loss. We are all wondering how we are supposed to go on without you in our lives. Just like in recovery, we take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. It's my prayer that you are resting in peace now. You didn't experience a lot of peace and stability in life, so it is only fitting that you have it now.

I hope that you know just how loved you were.

your sister,

Annie

[Hannah-Lynn]

Hey. Hi. I'm back. Again.
You know, I've been thinking. You've made me think. So really, this is all your fault. This thinking. I've been thinking that graveyards are funny things, you know? Well, of course you know. I mean, not that everyone walks into a graveyard giggling. But some chuckle. Have you noticed? Some are even soothed. Most are creeped out just driving by them, but for a few, a precious few, taking a jaunt through the gravestones is a favorite past time. Maybe it's not the most ideal location for a picnic but for those with a particular sort of imagination it's a wonderful, thrilling experience. Names, dates, and a few lines of the loved one. Sometimes there's not even that much and you get to fill in the blanks. Some of the lines are funny, clever, poems, quotes. Telling. Empty birthdates but final death dates. A surname, no first.
And I can't help but wonder, who exactly has been laid to rest here? Whose headstone is this? Did the deceased pick it out or a surviving spouse? Child? Maybe just a friend or neighbor. Were they heroes or villains? Did they live on the streets or in a mansion? Had they led a noble life or a rotten one?
What if this one used to love her bird so much she was buried with it?
What if that one fought in a war and had his own flag honored in a loved one's house?
And this one, the one with so few difference in the birth numbers and the death numbers, did they know love and safety and laughter in their short time? Did they have a favor color? Food? Toy?
It helps if some skip past the thought of those above ground who mourn those under the stones. What of before the stone's engravings?
Why does this one have a statue over their grave? Who loved them enough to do that?
And these two, this joint stone, it can break your heart with sadness or fill it with joyful solace. Perhaps they died together, perhaps one went first and the second followed shortly from a broken heart. Perhaps the first one passed on quietly and the second went on to find happiness again, living out their life to the fullest they could, before joining their love.
That'd be wonderful, wouldn't it?
It would have been, could have been. You and I, we, we were separated too quickly, too drastically. And shame on you, you've left me here alone with only myself for company, me and my thinking.
Yes, graveyards are funny, funny things. Tears water their grass and wildflowers, but peaceful smiles give warmth, give growth, provide life, for the grass and wildflowers.
Funny, funny things.
For those particular sort, we may walk by a cemetery's gates with a faint smile on our lips, may cut a path through in our free time and merely look around. Observe. We remember the people we never met, the souls unvisited, the memories sodden with grief or forgotten altogether. And we smile for them all.

For you, though, for you there's so much more. For you, from you, because of my thinking, I think I've learned to smile again. On my own, without having to think about the muscles it takes to work my lips just right.
I haven't stopped grieving yet, I realize I may never stop. But I think I'm getting better at remembering how to multitask - how grieve for you and live for me at the same time. I'm not there yet but I think, I think, that I've finally stumbled over the path that you'd have shoved me onto yourself, if you could. The nicer one, where happiness might come along, where life still carries on but the heart never forgets. Again, I'm not there yet. But I think I can feel my way there now.
I miss you. I'll never stop. But now, now I think...now I think I'm no longer in a rush to meet up with you again. I'm getting used to the idea of waiting. I can wait. You never said I could but I'm learning patience now. For you. I think I can do that, if only that, for you now.

[mikalionheart]

To my dearest Andrea,

There was so much I wanted to tell you, of the times you helped me through my life, of the times your single smile brought life to my heart. I love you Andrea, I was infatuated by you from the first time I met you, as if I have been hypnotized by a siren's song. You have always been on my mind, your voice, your touch, your scent. I have always wanted to tell you my feelings, but I dared not, for I was afraid you see. Afraid that you would not love me back, that what I had to say would break the friendship we have built together. I wonder now what life could have been, what we could have been. Now I sit here, droplets of tears tapping on the paper, writing to you everything that I wanted to say, wanted you to see.

On the first day that I met you, that exceptionally hot day in Malaysia, I actually thought you were glowing. It could have been a hallucination caused by the heat, but as you entered the office's entrance and the sun rays shined brightly behind you, I thought that an angel walked in. It was then that I dropped the papers in my hand, creating a beautiful friendship when you helped me. I was a nervous wreck when you came to help, the scents and your light voice twisted my gut. But fortunately for me, I got through, and even had the guts to ask you out for a coffee the next day. I was smiling the entire day at work, it was the happiest I've been since I got a job.

Days went by and our friendship grew, it was then that I noticed things your actions could do to me. A single cheer from you could break me out of a bad day spell, the way you smiled and laughed at the lame jokes I tried pathetically to tell. I started noticing more after that, of what I found in you so sweet, so beautiful. The way you let your black hair fall on your shoulders off-work, the way it elegantly framed your angular face. Those mesmerizing light brown eyes, the cocked eyebrow when you catch me just staring at you silently smiling, the rich sound of your laughter and voice. Of the times when you were down, where you looked so soft and fragile, as I held you close and tried to comfort you. It made me want to protect you, always and forever.

I wonder whether you remember the day I got angry at you. The time I refused to speak to you for days after that. I'm sorry Andrea, I could see the pain in your face during those days, the confusion. I was an ass for doing that to you, it wasn't your fault, you didn't know. It sucks how I'm only telling you this now, the truth of that day. I had bought tickets to the 'Grease' musical, I knew you always wanted to watch it. It took some ass kissing for me to get the tickets. I was excited to tell you about it. I booked a reservation at that restaurant you always wanted to try, and had ordered tulips, which were your favorite. I had decided that I would tell you how I felt on that day. It was then that you told me you got called out to a date with that guy at the office on the same day as the day I planned. My heart felt like it got hit by a truck at 180 miles an hour. I should have told you what I had planned anyway, and fight for you, but I was too much of a coward. Thinking it was for the better that you went out with someone more capable than me, I said nothing.

I regret that time as I regret it now. What would it have been like if I fought for you? If I had fought, you would still be here. You wouldn't have went out to see him again, I wouldn't have called you that day, you wouldn't have had an accident, I wouldn't have heard the crash. You will always be in my heart Andrea, I will keep your words in my heart always.
As I write this, a few words always sound in my mind in a light weakening voice. "I have always loved you Jon, ever since the time I met you."

[bhakti108]

The pain will eventually subside, I know that by God's grace we are adaptable creatures. I've heard that time heals all wounds. Your piano playing has filled my soul with light and even though your not physically here I still hear it. My soul sings those tunes it knows so well. I know in the Bhagavad Gita it say the the soul is eternal and unchanging and is not slain when the body is slain. You haven't died but are just being carried away by the invisible loving hand of the almighty. Just to talk to you once more would mean more to me then all the gold in the world. For the past 60 years we've quarreled, compromised, laughed and hugged innumerable times. I know soon we will be united to hug in another realm.