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Is this sentence correct? : Conversation question • Writing Forum | WritersDigest.com

Is this sentence correct?

Every month in Writer's Digest's InkWell section, we pose a question related to the writing life. Tell us your thoughts.
jaus tail
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Is this sentence correct?

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:39 am

Monisha opened the door and saw Delnaaz ahead. "What are you doing here?" asked Monisha.

"I thought I'd check by on you," replied Delnaaz.

Is it check by on you, or check on you or just check by?
Have a nice day

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Anya Kylash
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby Anya Kylash » Sat Jun 01, 2013 11:30 am

It's "I thought I'd check on you." But maybe you could do, "Hey, I was walking by and I thought I'd check in on you." The 'in' is optional, but yeah.
Finished:
Race Against Fate -101k words
Loyalties Lost -121k words
Forgotten -100k words
Friends and Foes -113k words

Unfinished:
Alone - 32k words

jaus tail
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jun 01, 2013 1:07 pm

Wonderwoman was wearing her make up when she heard a knock on the door. She walked towards it in her four inch stilettos and saw Anya ahead.
"what are you doing here? I'm the lead model not you."
"i know," replied Anya, "i'll book some other show." she removed her pistol from her purple purse and said, "thought i'd come by and check on my rival supermodel." she aimed the pistol towards wonderwoman and said, "i mean, it's not easy to recover from death." she pulled the trigger.
Have a nice day

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Anya Kylash
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby Anya Kylash » Sat Jun 01, 2013 1:24 pm

Great, now I'm killing anorexic models. Whatever next? :lol:
Does Wonderwoman pull out her lasso of truth? Her bracelets of submission?

Or does the bullet just kill her?
Finished:
Race Against Fate -101k words
Loyalties Lost -121k words
Forgotten -100k words
Friends and Foes -113k words

Unfinished:
Alone - 32k words

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louiseh87
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby louiseh87 » Sat Jun 01, 2013 1:45 pm

Since its speech, you can write it however you want. There's nothing to say your character doesn't speak like that.
Louise :)

---------------------------
- where I extend talking to myself to the internet sphere

"Over the Waves", Strange Horizons (13 August 2012)

jaus tail
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby jaus tail » Sun Jun 02, 2013 4:29 am

Thanks Louise and Anya.

Louise switched off the lights of her bedroom. She felt thirsty and was about to pick the glass of water from the side table when she saw Batman’s shadow by the wall. She closed her eyes for a second then turned around and saw her masked friend in front of her.

“What do you want?” asked Louise.

“Wonderwoman’s been missing.”

“So? I’m no longer a member of the Justice League.” She drank her glass of water and said, “Don’t you remember the evening when you’ll voted me out.”

“I remember you going rogue,” replied Batman. “Trying to take down the Startman on your own.”

“That man wanted to use the entire Nile river for industrial purposes. As it is the world has less water.”

“It still doesn’t justify your act.”

“Whatever,” said Louise, “What do you want now?”

“I want you to help me find Wonderwoman. Your power to locate natural resources can be enhanced. We’ll use you with another Amzon soldier and you could locate her.”

Louise walked to the closet and removed her uniform. A green gown with blue mask, brown shoes, orange gloves and bracelets. She closed her eyes and craned her neck. Wind entered from the windows and surrounded her, creating a white cyclone around her body that allowed her to change in front of Batman. Soon she was transformed to Captain Planet.

She turned to him and said, “I’ll help you find the princess and in exchange, you must spread awareness about water conservation.”

“What exactly do you want me to do?” asked Batman.

“Make sure every household uses one less glass of water each day.”

“You think it will work?”

“Let’s give it a try.”

They went on to search Wonderwoman and Louise hoped every household at least tried to reduce their water consumption.
Have a nice day

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mammamaia
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby mammamaia » Sun Jun 02, 2013 12:10 pm

'saw...ahead' doesn't make much sense... i don't see any good reason to add the 'ahead' since the person seen couldn't be in back of the see-er, could s/he?
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jaus tail
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby jaus tail » Sun Jun 02, 2013 12:43 pm

I have read similar lines. While trying drugs, the door opened and he saw his dad in front of him. Or, she put brakes when she saw a deer ahead on the road.
Have a nice day

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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby jaus tail » Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:11 am

Gaia pulled the white blanket of lilies over her body. With a wave of her hand she caused a cloud to block the sunlight from hitting her eyes. She wanted to sleep for a few more minutes.

When she woke up, she walked out of her house and into the garden. Her feet stepped on the grass blessing them with nutrition. The grass were eager to be blessed with Mother Nature, like kids waiting for their turn in the fun fair.

Gaia grazed her open palms past the bushes as if she were caressing her cat. She walked to the cliff and stretched her hands. She looked at the sun and then joined her hands, thanking the sun god for giving her the responsibility of protecting nature on earth. She then looked down the cliff and a tear fell down her eye.

The river was dry. The lotuses were lying like mangled dead bodies. She allowed wind to take her down the mountain. It was the first drought she had witnessed and she didn’t want to see any more of it.

She looked up at the sky. Compassion was replaced with maternal anger and responsibility to do something of the situation. Her eye balls began glowing in blue, white light appeared around her. Dark clouds gathered above and soon it began raining.

The river began flooding and the lotus returned to life.

That’s when the rain stopped and Louise(captain planet) came in front of her.

“What are you doing?’ asked Captain Planet.

“My gardens need water,” replied Gaia.

“But you’re disturbing the balance. This rain isn’t coming from anywhere. I had reserved the rain for the drought in the desert, the humans need this water,” said Louise.

“And what about my plants? What about nature? Why must nature suffer for man’s greed?”

“What greed have those innocents sinned? The water is for children and poor kids,” said Louise.

“They are paying for the greed of other men,” said Gaia, “I shall not let nature suffer because of man.”

“But...”

“No but, either nature or man must suffer for man’s sins,” said Gaia, “In all fairness man must be sentenced to drought. He doesn’t deserve this water.”

“No,” said Louise.

“I’m afraid but there is no other option.”

“There has to be,” said Louise, “If we combine our powers, perhaps we could reach a new path. One that doesn’t hurt anyone.”

“That is not possible. Balance requires that for one to be happy the other must toil.”

“Then let us all toil,” said Louise.

The joined their hands, the winds picked up speed and they found the third path to the problem.

Suddenly the pool parties in clubs drained, the rain dance in Bollywood movies went dry. Water disappeared from swimming pools. Taps began running dry, showers and toilet flushes began flowing less water.

People began washing their cars more efficiently and savingly(any correct word for this?)

The river of the garden of Gaia began flowing, it wasn’t as fast as it was before but it was sufficient for nature to survive.

The kids of the drought smiled as rain drops fell on their forehead. It wasn’t as heavy as Louise had wanted but it was sufficient to quench their thirst. They bathe and cleaned their bodies.

Of course as per the law of balance if the kids and nature was happy, the people whose parties and rain dances had been spoilt, were angry and agitated.

Which side are you on?
Have a nice day

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mammamaia
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Re: Is this sentence correct?

Postby mammamaia » Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:05 pm

ALL 6 e-book collections of my work are FREE...email me with "want free books" in subject line and include a message.

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"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


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