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That will be me

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 3:35 pm
by aurora.borealis
When you brush aside the silk
and welcome the day's first beam,
...
that will be me

When you hear the whispering wind
tenderly kissing the leaves,
...
that will be me

When you smell salt in the air
and hear the dance of the eternal sea,
...
that will be me

When the October sky catches your eye
and you gaze upon the heavenly gleam,
...
that will be me

When you are confronted with the darkness
and feel a helping hand you can't see,
...
that will be me ... watching over thee

Re: That will be me

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 3:46 pm
by deddmann_writing
Nice!

I would omit the < ... >.

Possibly split the last phrase and put the < watching over thee > on a separate line.
Or change the entire last lineto: I'll be there watching over thee. Although I think splitting the last line into two works better.

Re: That will be me

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:04 pm
by aurora.borealis
Hey, thanks. Yes, I like the idea of omitting the ellipsis. But, I have a question. The ellipsis are intended to introduce a pause. If I remove the ellipsis, how do I introduce an equivalent pause ?

What I mean is ...

"When you brush aside the silk
and welcome the day's first beam
(Pause)
That will be me"

How do I achieve this without ellipsis ?

Although, I feel like "watching over thee" belongs on the same line ... perhaps separated by a comma instead of "..." ? The reason being that I want continuity when the last line is read. I don't want too big a pause, so I want them to be on the same line.

Re: That will be me

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:49 pm
by deddmann_writing
Double dash at the end of the line before the pause ?

Re: That will be me

PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:14 pm
by aurora.borealis
On second thought, there is nothing wrong with the ellipsis. Poetry, to me, is not about rules and conventions ... it's about creativity and originality, both in its underlying meaning and in its expression. I like the ellipsis ... a lot :)

Re: That will be me

PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:52 pm
by deddmann_writing
aurora.borealis wrote:
> On second thought, there is nothing wrong with the ellipsis. Poetry, to me,
> is not about rules and conventions ... it's about creativity and
> originality, both in its underlying meaning and in its expression. I like
> the ellipsis ... a lot :)
==========

Well if you like it then problem solved.
Personally I did not think it fit, but this is your poem not mine.
And I think they would fit better ending the line above or before the last line instead of by themselves.