Memories

Here you can post a picture of you in your writing space.
User avatar
TraciB
Sergeant Major of the Army
 
Posts: 457
Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2009 5:15 pm

Re: Memories

Postby TraciB » Mon Aug 17, 2009 8:22 am

I agree with the others; it has a lyrical sound and pace when read aloud. Also, good going on the vice/vise correction. :)

gdlee
Major
 
Posts: 1517
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:41 am

Re: Memories

Postby gdlee » Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:40 pm

Eh? What say there? Did you say Lillies has a vice connection? Oh!! I see a Vice correction. I need to correct some vice myself. LOL

Good poem, Lillies, just having some fun.

JJ_79
Private E-1
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:16 am

Memories

Postby JJ_79 » Mon Jul 12, 2010 3:04 am

It's a dark and stormy night.
The wind is howling through the trees.
The thunder's rumbling in the sky, sounding like cannon fire.
In the house the fear is tangible.
You can feel it and smell it.
The power's out, candles are burning everywhere.
She's sitting alone in the corner crying softly.
As she sits slowly rocking back and forth she's telling herself it'll be okay.
But she's afraid.
Afraid of the darkness.
Afraid of the noises.
Afraid of herself.
She doesn't want to know.
She wants it to stay locked in the recesses of her mind.
But it won't stay there.
It's slowly emerging, coming to the surface.
She lets out a scream; she can't do it.
As the scenes flash through her mind she runs for the door.
Not caring about the wind and the rain, the lightening and thunder.
She rushes blindly into the woods, trying to out run the memories.
As the storm rages on she falls over a fallen tree.
She curls into a ball and the blessed blackness engulfs her.
As the storm finally ends she lies montionless.
She has escaped her torture.
She is finally free.

Buttered_Toast
Lieutenant
 
Posts: 732
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 5:57 am

Re: Memories

Postby Buttered_Toast » Mon Jul 12, 2010 4:19 am

I appreciate the picture being painted, and this is done quite well. The only beef I have is the line "You can feel it and smell it." It is the only instance I think I can find that uses the Second Person, even if it may be more of a indeterminate pronoun use -- not actually referring to YOU you, but more of a descriptive tool that brings the reader into the scene. Anyway, I think that you could change the "You" to "She" or something similar without breaking the mood or description, while keeping the scene where it is without confusion.

JJ_79
Private E-1
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:16 am

Re: Memories

Postby JJ_79 » Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:21 am

Thank you, I appreciate that and see what you mean. I'll have to work on changing that line some.

Previous

Return to Writing Space

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests