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Idiots : Take it Outside! • Writing Forum | WritersDigest.com

Idiots

Take your food fights, word games and other creative diversions out here.
jessica
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Idiots

Postby jessica » Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:03 pm


jessica
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Idiots

Postby jessica » Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:03 pm

Idiots

I didn't write this, recieved it as an email but thought it was pretty funny...So... here ya go! :}  ~jess


Number One Idiot:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot:

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast
Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo
Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs..

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy......... but you still get a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch
that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license..

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six:

A pair of Michiganrobbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven:

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?

Yep

From Kansas City!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked....

"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Alabama

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for...

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more
often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


STAY ALERT! They walk among us . . and they REPRODUCE


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charmedprincess
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RE: Idiots

Postby charmedprincess » Wed Apr 25, 2007 5:40 am

Jessica I am laughing so hard right now.  (Whew!) 

My favorite one is the Taco Bell minimal lettuce  I had a funny thing happen to me at Del Taco, but yours definately beats it.
I ordered dinner through the drive through one night for my family.   The voice from the speaker box said  "That will be  Ten o Ten."  I thought she had a slip of the tongue so I jokingly questioned the total.   "Ten o Ten?"  To which she replied "Yes Ten O Ten please drive up to the window."  By this time the whole car is laughing. I had to do it again, I asked her what the total was one more time.  She was frustrated at my memory loss at this time.  She spelled it out for me, I kid you not she said
the total is T-E-N- O -T-E-N.    We were laughing so hard at this point that I could not play with her anymore. I  paid the Ten dollars ten cents and left. 


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Arwen9
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RE: Idiots

Postby Arwen9 » Wed Apr 25, 2007 6:10 am

Ha! Rofl. Here's some I got in an email.

1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." 

 
2. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines (atm), wherein the kidnapper procedded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


Lol, talk about idiots!

Liz

3. THE GETAWAY!  A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

4. DID I SAY THAT?   Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!". 

 
 5. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?  A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".  "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


6. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!  In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.  Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

7. THE GRAND FINALE!!  Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition  The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer! 

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charmedprincess
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RE: Idiots

Postby charmedprincess » Wed Apr 25, 2007 6:18 am

This thread makes me feel like a friggn rocket scientist! 

Gooblink
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RE: Idiots

Postby Gooblink » Wed Apr 25, 2007 6:21 am

Oh, those are funny, even to me...I only recently figured out who's buried in Grant's tomb.

TraciG
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RE: Idiots

Postby TraciG » Wed Apr 25, 2007 6:59 am

Here in Salt Lake ... I think it was about six months ago, this stupid idiot called the police to tell them that someone broke into his house and stole all of his weed. He gave the cops the name of the guy and they went and arrested him. The cops then called the kid back and said, that yeah, they found his weed but he had to come down to the station and identify it before they could press charges on the kid that robbed him.

And guys what that idiot did? He went down to the police station to identify his weed.


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charmedprincess
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RE: Idiots

Postby charmedprincess » Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:44 am


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looneywriter
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RE: Idiots

Postby looneywriter » Wed Apr 25, 2007 9:41 am

OK, how about this one? When I was working the graveyard shift as a 911 operator this woman called because she thought she might have poisoned her dog by giving it aspirin.

First - call the 24 emergency vet or poison control NOT 911

Second - call BEFORE giving your dog the dang aspirin not AFTER!

Another good one? (This time during the afternoon shift.) This man dials 911 really irrate because a Trooper sped up behind him, whipped around him and pulled over the car ahead of him! Someone took the complaint and said the Trooper's sergant would be informed of the situation. He proceeds to call back two more times! On the third call I answered. I asked him if he had already placed a complaint to which he said no. I know he had because I was looking at it on my computer screen. So I read it back to him and asked if he was the same person. He then started to swear at me so I was allowed to hang up on his crazy butt!

The whole room was laughing at that mental giant. I mean really, who complains because they didn't get pulled over?


jessica
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RE: Idiots

Postby jessica » Wed Apr 25, 2007 1:08 pm

Ahhh yeah.. <nods> I think we can keep this thread for a long...long...LONG...long time... Sooo many idiots... everywhere you go.... <shaking my head>

LOL~ Gotta love that! ILMAO!  ~ *whew!*     ~jess


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