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Sucking Through History : Take it Outside! • Writing Forum | WritersDigest.com

Sucking Through History

Take your food fights, word games and other creative diversions out here.
JohnOBX
Brigadier General
 
Posts: 3347
Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:09 am

Sucking Through History

Postby JohnOBX » Wed Apr 18, 2007 3:19 am


JohnOBX
Brigadier General
 
Posts: 3347
Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:09 am

Sucking Through History

Postby JohnOBX » Wed Apr 18, 2007 3:19 am

History of Suck Part I

     The word "suck" while reviled by academics and finishing school professionals around the world, appears to have been used on a regular basis by a number of respectable historical personages.

     The first recorded use of the word "suck" was by Alexander the Great.  When arriving in Gordium he was presented with the Gordian knot.  He fiddled with it for a few minutes, then pronounced "Man, this sucks" and hacked the knot in half.  His words were lost in history, though the deed was not.

     In 778 Charlemange's forces were ambushed by the Basques near Roncesvalles.  In order for the bulk of his army to escape, he had to order a rear guard to stay behind and keep the Basques busy.  This was a suicidal mission and Charlemange knew it.  He told his trusted knight, Roland, "I know this sucks dude, but I need you to do it."  Roland responded "I agree it sucks, but it would suck worse if the army got wiped out."  Afterwards Roland marched into history and song.

     American history is replete with instances of our forefather's using the word "suck."  An early draft of Nathan Hale's famous "I regret I have but one life to give" speech shows that until a last minute revision he'd been prepared to say "It sucks that I have but one live to give for my country." 

     A National Archives historian recently discovered an old post-it note underneath the Declaration of Independence.  The note, signed by T. Jefferson said "P.S. Your Magesty, you suck."  It is believed that it was this terrible insult which precipitated the war between England and her colonies.

     Ironically, one of the most vulgar presidents in U.S. history, L.B. Johnson was never heard to use the term "suck."  R.M. Nixon, another vulgarian, used the word rarely, though of course he famously declared "I do not suck" when accused of being a crook.  He later clarified his remarks to say he was also not a crook.  Jimmy Carter, on the other hand, seemed to use "suck" at every conceivable opportunity.  He reportedly even says it when he talks in his sleep.

The End

--John

    


abqwriter
Vice Commander in Chief
 
Posts: 7123
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RE: Sucking Through History

Postby abqwriter » Wed Apr 18, 2007 3:55 am

John,

Please, please, please find a place to submit something like this.  I absolutely love parodies like this, and yours is one of the better ones I've read in quite some time.


novembergal
Captain
 
Posts: 1142
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RE: Sucking Through History

Postby novembergal » Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:12 am


Gooblink
Major General
 
Posts: 3659
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2005 9:12 am

RE: Sucking Through History

Postby Gooblink » Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:20 am

John, this does NOT suck.

Too funny.  I hate the word "suck" and I think it sucks when "suck" is the only word that suits the occassion.


TraciG
President of the World
 
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Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2006 2:34 pm

RE: Sucking Through History

Postby TraciG » Wed Apr 18, 2007 5:18 am

What about Napoleon at Waterloo? I think I remember that he said, "Zees sucks."

Pat Pechon
Major General
 
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RE: Sucking Through History

Postby Pat Pechon » Wed Apr 18, 2007 6:13 am

John, you forgot Isreal Bissell?

Now that really sucked...five days he road through five states and Paul Revere gets all the credit?


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vade mecum
Lieutenant Colonel
 
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RE: Sucking Through History

Postby vade mecum » Wed Apr 18, 2007 6:28 am

John, wasn't Eve the original person to use the word? I think I remember I read somewhere that she took a bite out of an apple and said, "Wow. This sucks." She then handed it to Adam, who took a bite to see if she was right...and life has sucked ever since.

Aislynn
Corporal
 
Posts: 150
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RE: Sucking Through History

Postby Aislynn » Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:05 am

John, that was great! I agree, you have to submit it somewhere! :)

Now you have me waiting for your Part II

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looneywriter
General of the Army
 
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RE: Sucking Through History

Postby looneywriter » Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:48 am

Yes do submit it! But I think you should go back even further. Julius Caesar would definitely have said, "Et to Brute? You totally suck!"

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