Fictional Characters Most Likely to Be on the Receiving End of the St. Martin’s Marijuana Shipment

 

Pinocchio, off to the clink

If you’ve been keeping up with the publishing world this week, you’ve no doubt heard the mysterious story that’s been dominating it: Someone sent 11 pounds of marijuana to a fake recipient at St. Martin’s Press in New York. The feds intercepted it. (For the story that spawned the #PotLit hashtag, click here.)

Who was the shipment supposed to go to?

Was it bound for a wayward editor? A disgruntled assistant? A desperate intern?

No. It was probably on its way to one of parent company Macmillan’s characters who think they can get away with anything. Specifically, someone from the Tor Classics line, which is run out of the Flatiron Building with St. Martin’s.

Here, in our estimation, are the most likely suspects:

 

Ebenezer Scrooge, of A Christmas Carol fame: There’s a reason a curmudgeon would get really, really slaphappy, introspective and nice for a day. (Not to mention see ghosts.)

 

Dracula: This guy has always been up to no good, and everyone has known it for a long time. Plus, he’s insanely old, and has glaucoma. And we know what insanely old vampires use to treat their glaucoma.

 

Dude! Rip!

Ahab, of Moby-Dick fame: He believes it helps with his OCD. Fair to say however that this could also be the root of his more irrational escapades.

 

Rip Van Winkle: How else do you think he slept for 20 years? (When he awoke, he was pleased to discover that cheese puffs and Nutella had been invented in the interim.)

 

Tom Sawyer: Fairly obvious. Forever a rapscallion.

 

Everyone in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: Notably the bong-smoking caterpillar.

 

Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde: Posterboy for the perils of drug use.

 

Everyone in The Wizard of Oz: See Everyone in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, replace “caterpillar” with anyone and everyone obsessed with wizards.

 

Billy Budd, From Melville’s Billy Budd: Forever upset about being overlooked and trumped by albino whales and gentlemen with one leg, Billy Budd developed unsavory coping mechanisms.

"I'm a free spirit."

 

Frankenstein: Because of the daddy issues.

 

Pinocchio: Geppetto knew he should have been more concerned with his creation’s red eyes than his elongated nose and strong urges to talk to insects.

 

Oliver Twist: See Tom Sawyer. Also explains why he kept asking Mr. Bumble for more food.

 

(Are we overlooking someone? Which fictional character do you think would have called in the shipment?)

 

Images: Rip Van Winkle By Thomas Nast [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons. Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons. Caterpillar by Sir John Tenniel (“Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” (1865)) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

 

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2 thoughts on “Fictional Characters Most Likely to Be on the Receiving End of the St. Martin’s Marijuana Shipment

  1. amanda cundari

    The seven dwarfs and all for their own particular reasons: explains dopeys name to the fullest and why he is so silly. It puts sleepy right to bed, and grumpy needs it to keep some sanity.

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