PITCH WORKSHOP: Preston's psychological thriller

Hey, folks–

Today’s Pitch Workshop submission comes from Preston in Chicago, who’s working on a screenplay and wants us to– these are his words, not mine, I swear!– “rip [his] work apart” so he can “fix it right” and “become the next Diablo Cody.”

All right, Preston– you asked for it. 

Folks… here’s Preston’s synopsis for his psychological action-thriller, Thy Brother’s Keeper
 
Title: Thy Brother’s Keeper

Genre: Psychological Action Thriller

Log-line
:  Ronald Davis’s jealousy and envy causes him to sabotage his twin brother Rashawn’s college basketball scholarship chances by planting steroids in his locker. This ends up sending Rashawn to prison, while Ronald goes on to lead a successful corporate career. Upon Rashawn’s return to the world as a criminal minded thug, he finds Ronald was the cause of his demise. He then sets out to destroy his twin brother’s life by assuming his identity and going on a murderous crime spree. Ronald  has to leave his corporate life and turn to the streets to stop his twin brother. After chasing Ronald threw the streets of Los Angeles, it will take detectives Garrison and Rodriguez to find out that Rashawn died at birth, but yet lives in the schizophrenic mind of the surviving twin Ronald.

There you go, everyone… CRITIQUE AWAY!!

Coming up, we’ll have pitch submissions from Gareth and Gail, some long overdue reader questions, book reviews… and much more!

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4 thoughts on “PITCH WORKSHOP: Preston's psychological thriller

  1. Xina Marie Uhl

    Well, I’d like to rip Preston’s work apart, but I can’t even finish reading it because #1 it’s too convoluted for a logline (think simple one sentence) and #2 the guy doesn’t know that jealousy and envy are synonyms and that demise refers to a person’s death. This will make most any professional reader wonder how good is his script going to be when he obviously doesn’t know the meanings of words.

  2. Chris

    First, I think you need to change your logline. Right now it’s not a logline, it’s a synopsis, and after I’ve read it, I don’t need to read your script, because I already know what happens. You want your logline to tease the reader into wanting more.

    Maybe "After getting out of prison, a young man with a vengeful heart goes on a mission to destroy the life of the brother who betrayed him." Then again, that doesn’t really explain the scope of what you’ve got here.

    Also, are they supposed to be identical twins? Because they have different fingerprints but the same DNA. If they’re fraternal, their DNA is different as well. Obviously we find out at the end that there is no brother, but if I’m watching the movie, I’m going to say to myself "wait, twins leave different trails" and be frustrated at the plothole that ends up not being a plothole.

  3. Dixon Steele

    Lots of "twins" scripts out there and the ending seem like that of the John Cusack/James Mangold thriller ID…which I’m still trying to figure out.

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