PITCH WORKSHOP: Erica's Logline

Hey, folks–

Today’s Pitch Workshop submission comes from Erica, who’s looking for feedback on the logline for her feature film idea, Love Bites.  Below is Erica’s logline… eagerly awaiting your notes!

Title: Love Bites
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Logline: To reclaim a powerful amulet and battle Van Helsing’s heir, Dracula’s son must learn how to seduce a virgin immune to his powers.

Please feel free to post/comment away… and a huge thank you to Erica for submitting this!  I hope you get some helpful criticism!

P.S.  In answer to Jorge‘s question about the Spinoff Contest“Is it necessary pay anything?”… No– it’s totally free!  Remember– the deadline is Sunday, March 22, so hurry and get your spinoff ideas in!

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3 thoughts on “PITCH WORKSHOP: Erica's Logline

  1. Erica

    Thanks for the amazing feedback so far. I wanted to share my revised logline that I’ve been using.

    When the romantically inept son of Dracula travels to New York to find a powerful amulet, he finds he must learn the art of seduction to coax it from a sexually frustrated woman cursed by its dark magic.

    I also thought it might be helpful to share my synopsis as well.

    Dracula’s son Dragos has come to New York to escape arch-vampire hunter Adam Van Helsing…and find a powerful amulet, the Eye of Khamsa. It’s the only thing that can protect him from the incantation Van Helsing has already used to destroy his father. But Reinfeld has given the amulet to his daughter, Rachel, a sexually frustrated virgin who doesn’t realize her spectacularly doomed romances are caused by the amulet’s dark magic.

    While Dragos might have his father’s strength and good looks, he lacks his debonair charm. Unable to talk to girls, he relies on his powers to get by. But when his powers fail to control Rachel, he finds he must learn the art of seduction to get the amulet back…slowly falling in love in the process. But after his parents tragic romance, he fears only the worse will come of it.

    Thanks again for the feedback and support. Thanks Chad!

    Erica Land

  2. Matt Starr

    Hi Erica, thanks so much for sharing your logline with your fellow Script Notes readers! I’d like to offer my humble 2 cents here.

    First of all I like the idea for a romantic comedy involving vampires. As anyone involved in pop culture knows, vampires right now are HUGE, thanks to Twilight (the movie and the books), even Buffy from a few years ago, as well as dozens of other teen fiction series out right now about vampires and the people that love those (apparently!) sexy beasts. So right off the bat you are tapping into the zeitgeist and that’s awesome and takes a certain skill set to do.

    I think there is a lot of fertile ground there, taking the idea of vampires and using it in a romantic comedy, as we are used to seeing them mostly in romances, dramas, and action movies. We don’t usually see them in a comedic setting, and so there is plenty of opportunity for originality there.

    If I may I would like to offer some observations from this reader on what might make the logline more informative, as I’m sure you already know and have probably written the entire story.

    First of all, it usually helps explain the story further if we completely identify the main character (or characters). In this case I believe it is Dracula’s son, Van Helsing’s heir, and maybe the virgin character. It helps in terms of relatability to give their proper name to the audience reading your logline.

    I think it also helps in your identification of the character’s names to give at least one characteristic about them that makes them special. If you can incorporate their worldview into that, even better. I know it’s hard when you are trying to be as succinct as possible, but if you can do so, it will go a long way towards interesting a reader in wanting to read the entire script.

    Next I think you did a good job of specifing what Dracula’s son wants–to reclaim a powerful amulet in order to battle Van Helsing’s heir. Again, if you could identify Van Helsing’s heir that would sound even more relatable, because then we hear specifics of who we are talking about. But also, it might help us to understand why it’s important to him to defeat Van Helsing’s heir (beyond simply surviving), and how that affects us, the audience.

    I made up an example that does some of those things, and I recognize that it is not necessarily the story you want to tell or amazing itself in any way, but I thought if I was going to offer feedback I should at least see if I can even do the things I was saying myself!

    COUNT ALUCARD has lived in the nebulous shadow of his father DRACULA for eons, but when VAN HELSING’S heir LUKE FORSYTHE renews his murderous vendetta upon the vampire family, the unproven Alucard finally gets the chance to show that he can live up to his old man’s fangs and earn the respect he bloodthirsts for–if he can first obtain what he needs from the unwitting COCO L’ENGLE, who holds within her possession THE AMULET OF FARTHERMOST POWER.

    Again, I understand that I totally made up most of that up and it isn’t even necessarily the story you want to tell. But I know you know what that story is, and perhaps can more fully communicate that to your humble readers through these ideas, which I might add, are all ideas I have learned from reading the wise and much-more-knowledgeable-than-I words of Chad Gervich himself. 🙂

    You have some very awesome concepts you’re working with here. Good luck and I look forward to seeing your movie in my multiplex one day!

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