Fake Bio Note Contest!

Recently, I was reading about how the Wine Spectator magazine was duped by a fake restaurant in its restaurant awards. This got me thinking how fun it might be to have a “fake bio note” contest. And since we just recently released the 2009 Poet’s Market, I can offer that up as a prize to whoever writes the best fake bio.

You can make your bio funny, outrageous, horrible, seriously intense, etc. Just keep it under 100 words (hey, most publications cap it off at 50 words). Enter as many times as you want to this free contest by pasting your fake bio into the comments section below. With so many great writers reading this blog, I know the competition will be fierce. But only one can win and be known as the Poetic Asides FAKE BIO CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE.

Let’s give this competition a deadline of September 1, 2008, midnight (EST).

For people who need an example, here’s my fake bio note (written on the spot–see how easy it is?):

Robert Lee Brewer has twice been nominated the best writer on Jupiter and hopes to turn his love of writing poetry into a Day-Time Emmy award. When he’s not negotiating lower prices on gasoline, Brewer bench presses and curls copies of Writer’s Market. You can read about it in his forthcoming book titled Breaking a Sweat With the Market Books: 50 Exercises From Weight Resistance to Step Aerobics.

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87 thoughts on “Fake Bio Note Contest!

  1. Effie Merridom

    Effie Merridom did her time at HMP Holloway, living rough in a cell with three mice, an undiscovered transsexual and a pen. Her experiences provided fodder for the witty ‘Tails Beneath Skirts’ – a semi-autobiography of an international fraudster. We have to ask ourselves – just who – or what – is she?

  2. Paul Harris

    Paul Harris took up writing shortly before losing both arms after falling asleep in a field at harvest time. Typing only with his nose, he has completed several novels although he has to take long breaks during hay fever season. He is also the inventor of ‘Look, Ma, no hands!’, the invention that guarantees boys hit the target every time.

  3. Sharon Birch

    Effie Merryl was a puritan before venturing over to the dark side and writing material for sins of the damned. Her first book was an instant hit, ‘1001 excuses in the Courtroom’, winning her praise from defence barristers and judges alike. She now pens obscure paranoid works from her exile in Panama, the well known haven of canoe fantasists – just don’t tell they are watching …

  4. Matthew Falk

    Odoacer Pinkyring Moses de la Salle Cuthbert-Jones is that weird guy who lives in the van parked across the street from your house. He is allergic to everything, especially air and water. His most recent book, the title of which is unpronounceable in any human language, spent 30 seconds at the top of the best seller list in the Autonomous Republic of Erewhon. One day he will destroy you all.

  5. Dorothy Crossan

    Rebecca Horowitz-Goldfarb is a breath of pollutant-free air with her environmentally friendly poetry. Using recycled text from the Journal of Solid Waste Technology and Management she works miracles turning s**t into silver. Her early background as a reluctant burger king waitress – while working her way through her PhD in biology –inspired her to discover what happened to a burger after consumption and that lead to her ground-breaking poem ‘Journey to the sea – and back again’ This was quickly followed by ‘subtracting the minerals’ and the soul-searching ‘semi-colon’.

    She now lives with four cats on a barge in the Thames Estuary.

  6. Susan Bell

    Susan Bell is known locally as The Crazy Cat Lady after adopting nearly every cat at the local animal shelter. Her non-fiction book “Cats and the Nuts Who Love Them” has been on the New York Times Bestseller List for over a year, proceeds going to help build an addition to the shelter. Susan is currently at work on her new novel, the fourth in the Cat from La Mancha series. She lives in a secluded mountain cabin with her many cats. Her husband has his own cat-free house on the property. They visit each other as often as possible.

  7. Steve LaVoie

    Steve LaVoie was born July 7, 7 A.D. in Watersgrovefield, Antarctica and has been a published writer since 20,080 B.C. One of his book of poetry “Conquest of Patience” is being made into an action/adventure video game coming soon to the Atari 2600. He has won the Award for Accomplishment in the Field of Writing Excellence from the Good Writers Guild, and last but not least lent his voice to many of Charlie Chaplin’s silent films.

  8. DonnaG

    Donna Gagnon left her heart in Shrewsbury and misplaced her brilliant magnum opus somewhere near a rock in Avebury (or did she drop it outside the LUSH store in Chester?). She is now hiding under a table in the London Public Library, exchanging whispers with a mouse and trying to remember what was so good about all those words she absolutely had to write down regarding dead people.

  9. Robert McDermott

    Robert McDermott was intended to be the reincarnation of Robert Lowell but owing to a clerical error is actually the reincarnation of John Berryman. His poetry is quite remarkable and is easily the best on his ward. He is currently writing an opera about oranges and in his next life he wants to be a Shakespearean villain. His latest collection ‘In conversation with Kilgore Trout’ has attracted wide praise and is available in spirit everywhere.

  10. Earl Parsons

    Julia Faith wrote her first poem in kindergarten. She penned her first short story in the second grade. All through school she kept a journal, wrote her thoughts, and quietly, very quietly, created a small library. Her friends loved her work, but publishers rejected her time after time. She became so disappointed that she quit submitted her writings. Only her closest friends got to read the magic that came from her imagination. Her friends recognized her amazing talent, so they got together and secretly published some of her works; a series of science fiction novels she had written but never submitted. Then, one day, out of nowhere, a little known publisher knocked on her door. And that’s where this fairy tale success story begins. The only question that remains is: where will this story end? Or will it?

  11. Rachel Green

    Jasfoup the demon, writing as Rachel Green, has been published 4316 times under different pseudonyms. His early non-fiction work, the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci, have become not only collectors items but priceless artifacts. He published popular works throughout the sixteenth century under the pseudonym William Shakespeare and turned to detective novels in the early twentieth century under a female nom-de-plume. He has continued the trend with a series of semi-biographical novels set in his adoptive home town of Laverstone, under the guise of an eccentric English woman.

  12. Catherine Edmunds

    Catherine Edmunds is typing this very slowly because she only has three fingers left. The others have been eaten by a zombie dog she created for a horror writing competition. The dog’s slavering soft gums have sucked the snapped-off digits down into its putrid guts, where they are being slowly turned into translucent green goo.

    Catherine doesn’t think she’ll be able to write for very much longer (one finger left), so she is very sorry, but the rest of her biography will

  13. Iain D. Kemp

    Maurice Elchkopf, aka “Moosehead”, long time protagonist of the multi-flavoured lollipop and an avid Frog collector is set once more to thrill his readers.
    Following his controversial “Lollipops, Frogs and Baseball”, “Pick ya up at 7” ( Sosueme Press) is a collection of correspondence between himself and long time antagonist “Howlin’” Ringo Bitchmeister. Readings will be given at a bar close to Madison Square Gardens on Tuesday next. Entry is free and although the performance is rated PG, children and those of low IQ are discouraged from attending as the content is likely to be of an intellectual level.

    Iain

  14. Rachel Green

    Rachel Green is best known for “Shafts of Glory,” her seminal work on the mating habits of incubi. Writing from the viewpoint of a woman who has tasted the fruits of life, her series of novels about the life of the inhabitants of Laverstone, the Hertfordshire village she calls home, was nominated ‘Most Likely To’ in the Thriller’s Guild Awards in 1967.
    Her latest book, Plucking an Angel’ will be released shortly before the Apocalypse.

  15. Zebulon Huset

    Zebulon Huset came to this planet in search of lyric poets and was taken in by a band of roaming cotton candy vendors in Dubuque, IA. Through those kind folk he learned the are of popular music and the inane mantra. He once ate a piece of rock candy shaped like Elvis, and writes mostly Sestinas that consist solely of palindromes. His first manuscript "College Ruled Notebook" was a huge success with Mead Publishers, consistently in (non)print.

  16. Amy Barlow Liberatore

    Matteo: "printed in the editor’s blood," LOL
    Pris: love the six ex-husbands
    Erin: I thought I was the only Miou-Miou fan
    Can’t wait for Rosemary’s version, also Earl’s and Rod’s
    OK, just one extra, I promise:

    Writing as Cavolfiore Odore:

    A native of Rutherford, New Jersey, Cavolfiore Odore’s works include, “Who Are You? (and why should I care)”; the definitive poetic adaptations of “Dante’s Inferno” and “Judy/Liza/Lorna: What about Joey?,” both illustrated by Paul Reubens; and her wildly successful how-to guide for budding poets, “Write Me/Bite Me.”

    Odore, once poet-in-residence at the Ramada Inn (Promiscuto, NH), is now High Chair of Writing Stuff That Rhymes at Pottawattamie University, Council Bluffs, Iowa.

  17. Sally Evans

    In consideration of my wasted time, I think you had better limit the number of entries per person, Robert!

    Charlie Parker’s book I Never Claimed I Could Write is a refreshingly different take on community literary activities in a country where communication of the life experiences of members is encouraged and respected. Tutor Esme D. Goody, whose first postgraduate assignment was with Charlie’s remedial sociability group, realised she had a literary star in her midst when Charlie’s chuckles and grunts caused reactions within the group. Charlie was assigned an office and secretarial assistance and this stunningly pointless but saleable treatise is the result. A must for your Christmas stocking.

  18. Sally Evans

    Sally Evans began life as a dolphin. One day the dolphin swam to shore and a little girl climbed out. The little girl became a crabby old lady as little girls tend to do. Contrary to general belief, Sally’s books are not ghost written. She writes in pencil on loose sheets of paper at a garden table. When it rains she goes indoors and shuffles up the sheets. The new book is the ninety-eighth book to be produced this way. Enough is enough, says Sally Evans. She thinks it will annoy her family more if she stops writing books.

  19. Sally Evans

    Here’s another one:
    Sally Evans was born at Bletchley during the second world war, where her mother was staying on a farm while her father attempted to persuade Turing not to throw teacups in the lake. Raised in the English countryside with four extraordinary siblings, she ran off to Italy where she wrote three novels and then fetched up in Scotland. She is an ardent Scottish Nationalist. Her books include Looking for Scotland, Bewick Walks to Scotland and The Great North Road, and her new long poem The Bees is a fantasy in terza rima about an Elephant Artist named Tramp.

  20. Amy Barlow Liberatore

    Amy Barlow Liberatore was born in the Appalachian Mountains and shared a room, a mattress, and one pair of undies with her five sisters. She learned to read at 15 and became a fan of Beverly Cleary and Theodore Geisel, and more recently, Lemony Snicket. Amy has published under the name Salman Rushdie; the fortune she made allowed her to hire a surrogate to take the heat.

    She has been published in Geek Weekly, IBS Digest, and the 19th edition of Robert Lee’s Strange Brew. Amy was recently named Poet Laureate of Akron, Ohio.

  21. EKSwitaj

    Stella Poesis has published more poems than you have written and more books than the word limit allows her to name. She attended a better school than you did where she won every award on offer. But don’t worry: she sleeps alone except on those rare nights when her alcoholic cat remembers the way home, and home has a roof that leaks no matter how many legs she breaks trying to fix it.

  22. Ryan Bird

    Ryan Bird is a rugged nine-to-fiver who lives according to horsepower-to-chick ratios. His drink: Jack, straight. His song: "Thunder Road". But um, when none of the boys are looking, his song is actually "Every Day Is Like Sunday". Please, don’t tell.

  23. Ryan Bird

    Ryan Bird has a guilty obsession with the poorly animated series "Rocket Robin Hood". Armed with his electro-quarter staff, and his quiver of various gadget-arrows, his free-time is spent on nearby Sherwood Asteroid where he protects his poems from the intergalactic plagiarists of tomorrow. His most recent work "Sound the Horn in Every Astral Glen" shall be a four of five short poems strung together, and repeated shamelessly, until the next commercial break.

  24. Ryan Bird

    Ryan Bird is often lowered by God onto a stage in order to untangle a plot-twist or to extricate a particularly loveable protagonist from a particularly sticky situation. Whether he was actually lowered by God, or merely dropped on his head is entirely up for debate. His upcoming work "Scooby Doo and the Haunted, Mechanical Plot Device" shall apparate into a bookstore near you.

  25. Caili WIlk

    Caili Wilk has been awarded the Emily Dickinson accolade for her upcoming work titled, “I am so old”. At age 32, this will be her first award for poetry; however as a teenager she received a bronze certificate for her entry into the middle school song contest. Miss Wilk is most well known for her attempt to break the world record for typing out the letter P on a keyboard; however, after 5,328,685 times, she collapsed muttering “I need to pee”. Inconsequently, she retired to her bathroom, and has not been seen in public since developing severe typophobia.

  26. Anthony

    Ann Onimouse has been published widely for centuries. After inventing pornography, she wrote her autobiography with her eyes closed. She never tells her age and has never been photographed in a perp walk. She has written odes, epics, hi queue, free verse, blank verse and bland verse. Her vice is sitting in the back of open readings and never rising to read.

  27. Marit Meredith

    Writing as Anna Reiers, would-be author of a would-be protagonist.
    —————————————————————–
    Anna R. became the first person to enter the Parallel Universe and return intact. All previous attempts failed. Her encounters ‘on the other side’, recorded in The Book of Life, won her The Nobel Prize for Literature as well as, surprisingly, the Nobel Peace Prize. Read the book to find out why.
    Numerous other accolades preceded the Nobel Prizes, with more to come. Ms R, however, continues to search for answers to the unanswerable. Enlightenment may come as she returns from her latest venture, exploring a Black Hole. Await the sequel to The Book of Life with expectation.

  28. Mike McGee

    Mike McGee is actually your mother. He raised you in order to have an absolute and unconditional audience for his writing. Mama writes everyday in some form, but you could at least find the time to send a postcard. Would it hurt you to know that he’s been writing and performing for this family without reward for, well, all of his life? He gives and gives and nobody notices until he posts about it on-line. He supposes none of this really matters, though, as long as you’re happy. Oh, your sister called: She wants you to check out MikeMcGee.net.

  29. Sally Evans

    John Susan Whortleberry was born on the day John Lennon was shot. Aged twelve, John Susan began the first ever blog, using a computer constructed from a linotype machine. John Susan’s self-published biographical science fiction trilogy Duped (Knowingly Duped, Willingly Duped and Duped Illicitly) has been the subject of lawsuits in 25 countries, and is being made into an important ecological film with the backing of Prince Charles. John Susan’s new volume Secret Poems, to be published by international aerospace company Hard Connect, has been eagerly awaited for some weeks and is expected to cause further controversy.

  30. Connie

    “My husband has been taken over by a space alien,” claims Poet Connie Peters. “I try to communicate with him, but he speaks a different language. He plans to take over the world by turning us all into blithering idiots. I know of this plot because he has started with me.” Her gravity-breaking book Reflections from the Wife of E.T. will be beamed into bookstores near you April First.

  31. mujer zeta

    Mujer Zeta is the reincarnation of Senora Suarez, a Mexican revolutionary who once ran in the circles of Tina Modotti, Orozco, Diego Rivera, Siqueros, and others. In her former life, she was the mistress of the painter Rufino Tamayo, before completely renouncing Communism and society, and moving to a remote Oaxaca location where she spent her life studying the Aztec codices. Mujer Zeta herself, is in an undisclosed location writing the biography of Suarez’s life.

  32. Michelle Tandoc-Pichereau

    When she was but a child, Michelle Tandoc-Pichereau asked her mother what the grass is and was told that everything we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. Tandoc-Pichereau knew then that poetry arrived, in search of her. Believing that like bread, poetry is for everyone, she has published her work as freely and widely as possible, hoping that it will one day reach somewhere she has never travelled, gladly beyond.

  33. Paige

    Paige von Liber, Pulitzer winner in literary achievement for her poetry collection-no really it’s true. ‘I Got The Answers’, has been attributed to solving some of the worse of the world’s problems. She accepted the prize with a speech in which she gave her thanks to all the literate and illiterate people alike. She enjoys long walks off short piers, coloring and taking flying leaps. When not pursuing one of her many passions Paige can be found in her Texas studio doing something else.

  34. Margaret

    Margaret Fieland has spent the last four years as First Piccolo in the OffKey Orchestra. Her book, "How to Deafen Your Dog," was published last month by Echo Press. Her hobbies include teaching Canine sign language and making custom ear plugs.

  35. Mattos da Costa

    Fake bio inside "-"

    "Graham LeCoque is a world circuit poet being published around a million times most prominently by SuperMax Press as well as other prisonal presses. This runaway convict has been tried and convicted already 54 times for murder and has recently ran a plea at the International Criminal Court to amalgamate his sentence into one. He has been convicted of serial killing all editors who refused to publish his work with paper copies of his poems. Graham’s latest antology was printed in the editor’s blood and has sold over 1 million copies worldwide. "

    Enjoy and if I do not win, I kill you! 😛 Kidding!

  36. Gene Tanta

    I tried but I could not resist your provocation:

    Tireless advocator; does not frighten cows. Tickles easily; prefers leather, honey, top. A practitioner (fuck theory!) of forklift syndicalism, battles with uncontrollable hankerings for fried pork rinds. Dramatically declined Honorable Corpse trophy in speech addressed to captains of industry. Forever fighting to subvert ego by collaborating with others. Never calls back. Currently, dances at the Silver Gentlemen’s Club. Ask for “the Pink Zebra”. One show a night.

  37. Margaret

    Margaret L. Fieland is chairman of the Department of Virtual Reality at WorldSavers University. Her latest book is "How to Fix a Presidential Election," published by FixMePress. Her book of poetry, "Remake Your Life," will be published on February 30th of next year.

  38. Quincy R. Lehr

    On November 14, 1975, the sky was rent with thunder and the Reverend Oral Roberts saw a nine-hundred-foot Jesus in Tulsa, Oklahoma. “Behold!” said Christ, “A child is born! He isn’t as cool as me, but he’s pretty damn nifty, and his name is Biff Buffington III.” But this isn’t Biff’s story. It’s the story of a child born on the same day in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma—Quincy R. Lehr. After this other child, Quincy R. Lehr, completed high school, he entered Oklahoma’s finest institution of higher education, the Five Aces School of Technology in Chickasha. After two miserable semesters, Lehr left when he received a B+ in a course called “Diesel and Dasein: A Heideggerian Approach to Automotive Maintenance.” The “Lost Years” followed, but those are between Lehr, the Oshkosh Independent School District, the driver of the school bus, the twenty-nine second-graders aboard, the owner of the three Guernsey heifers, the state of Wisconsin, the law firm of Harwood, Roentgen, and Fingerblatz, and Billy Bob’s Bail Bonds.

    Rendered a fugitive, Lehr fell in with a man whom he knew only as ‘The Fist of the Shadow’, who trained him in the art of ninja. Lehr excelled at killing silently, and soon was elected a shop steward in the Kyoto local of the International Amalgamated Union of Automated Car Wash Repairmen, Crossing Guards, Pastry Chefs, and Ninja Warriors. However, a freak encounter with an irate yakuza and an inopportunely placed banana peel ended Lehr’s days as a practitioner of the deadly arts. And anyone who doesn’t believe me is a fucking asshole. When the workman’s comp money ran out, he returned to school, and he eventually earned a BA in history from the University of Texas at Austin and his doctorate (also in history) from Columbia University. He took up writing poetry along the way, mostly because it was cheaper than buying beer. He’s been published in magazines and stuff, and his first book, Across the Grid of Streets, will be published by Seven Towers in April.

  39. Kelli Agodon

    Here’s mine at 75 words–

    Kellian Angelou is famous and well-known for winning the Pullet’s Surprise, the No Bell Piece Prize, and the Mack Arthur Genie Grant for her poetry collection exploring the uncertainty of scales, The Waistland. The Waistland is a corset of sonnets dealing with the tragic difficulty of being a size 14 in a world of zeros. Kellian received her MFA from the I-Owe-ya Writers Workshop. She currently lives with her wild emu, Walt, in the Northwest.

  40. Lori Desrosiers

    fake bio:

    Lori Desrosiers has been writing as four different people since she was six. She lived at the time on the top of a hill under a tulip tree with her parents and uninspiring little brother. She invented invisible friends to keep her company, since there weren’t any other children around. Her friend Charlie began writing poems first, then the others took over. The twins Gosha and Gosh were particularly prolific with their Homeric odes. The moving and intense rants that Peter wrote were published by the local newspaper under the heading “Rants from the Wolf.” Lori thinks the character of Peter may have been inspired by a performance of “Peter and the Wolf” that her First Grade class attended. She now lives in a small city with mediocre pizza to dupe herself into a sense of anonymity, but is pleased to see a piece published under her own name.
    Lori Desrosiers – lori@thepoetrynews.com

  41. Pris Campbell

    Pris Campbell’s poetry book, Sucky Relationships, was just turned into an award-winning movie, directed by Clint Eastwood. She will be featured on Dr. Phil and Oprah where she’ll moderate participant’s arguments about which partner sucked the most. She is currently being sued by all six of her ex-husbands who demand parts in the movie as their award. She currently lives with her pet monkey on an island off of Maine where she’s hard at work on a sequel. Jib-Jab plans to spearhead a drive to make her poet laureate for ‘making poetry relevant to the people’ again.

  42. Erin Keane

    Here’s my fake bio, complete with my fake name:

    Fishsticks McQueen is the Serge Gainsbourg Chair of Pulchritudinous Studies at Miepville College, a job she dislikes intensely and plans on quitting come Armistice Day. Her days are filled with cataloging the sleep habits of the Rabbit-Eared Bandicoot (a voracious omnivore), editing a coffeetable book on the Stutz Bearcat, and completing the unauthorized annotated filmography of French starlet Miou-Miou.

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