Fake Bio Note Contest!

Recently, I was reading about how the Wine Spectator magazine was duped by a fake restaurant in its restaurant awards. This got me thinking how fun it might be to have a “fake bio note” contest. And since we just recently released the 2009 Poet’s Market, I can offer that up as a prize to whoever writes the best fake bio.

You can make your bio funny, outrageous, horrible, seriously intense, etc. Just keep it under 100 words (hey, most publications cap it off at 50 words). Enter as many times as you want to this free contest by pasting your fake bio into the comments section below. With so many great writers reading this blog, I know the competition will be fierce. But only one can win and be known as the Poetic Asides FAKE BIO CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE.

Let’s give this competition a deadline of September 1, 2008, midnight (EST).

For people who need an example, here’s my fake bio note (written on the spot–see how easy it is?):

Robert Lee Brewer has twice been nominated the best writer on Jupiter and hopes to turn his love of writing poetry into a Day-Time Emmy award. When he’s not negotiating lower prices on gasoline, Brewer bench presses and curls copies of Writer’s Market. You can read about it in his forthcoming book titled Breaking a Sweat With the Market Books: 50 Exercises From Weight Resistance to Step Aerobics.

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87 thoughts on “Fake Bio Note Contest!

  1. Bruce Niedt

    Bruce W. Niedt was born in a tarpaper shack in Humilitas, Alabama. When he was only three, his daddy gave him a hammer and a pen and told him to choose. Since then, he has written over 100,000 poems and has been called the “second coming of William Carlos Williams” by the New Jersey Association of Delusional Pediatricians. In an alternate reality, he has won both the Pulitzer Prize and the National Book Award. He currently teaches advanced strophes at Northwestern University (Southeastern Campus) and lives in a shotgun duplex with his pet ferret Bukowski.

  2. Linda

    Ago, my last effort to win that book!!!!

    According to Don G. Tar, the poems in his book "Tears in my Beer" (2008 Ragtime Review Award winner) were originally written as country music songs. "The words were just too powerful to be overshadowed by music", he says, "so I self-published with MeDawg Press." Two poems from this collection, "Shove Your Moonshine where the Sun Don’t Shine" and "Me Paw Ain’t Got No Teeth" have already been used in made-for-TV movies. When he’s not writing, Don enjoys fishing, line dancing, and reading.

    Linda H.

  3. Linda

    Robert, you will have a hard time picking just one. There are some really good ones.

    Kelli Agiden, Susan Bell, and Paul Harris– yours are some of my favorites. Good luck!

    Linda H.

  4. Linda

    This is really addictive. I’ve got to give it another try. This time not so unbelievable…

    Siri S. Lee, winner of the Rhymes of the Times Award for her children’s book, "Do Butterflies Melt? Poetic Answers for the Young", has crossed over to the adult literary scene with "Dig a Hole to China and Find Me Some Oil", a collection of political sestinas covering the most recent controversial topics of American presidency. Siri is currently writing a series of poems about living in a nursing home because she feels "poetry should speak to people of all ages". She lives in Arizona with her husband, twin daughters, and golden retriever.

    Linda H.

  5. Linda

    Okay, here’s another try. Exactly 100 words.

    Mr. Ree Chuckels got the idea for his book "Off to the Pound" after being falsely accused of stealing Paris Hilton’s dog from her handbag at a California night club. This diverse collection of poems, when read in sequence, doubles as a who-dunnit tale. Was it the big-lipped "Collagen Gina", the rich playboy, the senator, the computer geek or the mafia boss? This cleverly crafted book provides hints in each poem yet keeps you guessing until the end. Ree’s previous book, "Food for Thought" combines the art of poetry and cooking and has won awards by Culinary Institute of Poets

    Linda H.

  6. Linda

    Just got home from 10 days of relaxation living without a watch, cell phone, or computer. Of course, the first thing I did upon returning home today we sit down and check my email. So glad I did. This contest sounds like fun. So, since today is the last day, I’ll take a go at it.

    Fake Bio:

    Cry of the Wolf is taken from Krystal Shanda Leer’s newest collection of occupational poems entitled "Stuffed Animals: The Musings of a Taxidermist". Like her award-winning book "You’ve Got a Screw Loose: Poetry of the Construction Business" and the popular "Wheeling and Dealing: Narrative Poems of a Used-Car Salesman" which opened up the world of poetry to men across the nation, this book offers an in-depth look into the ups and downs of this seldom discussed career. When not writing about male-dominated professions, Krystal enjoys knitting and quiet days with her pet tarantula at her home in Las Vegas.

    Wow, I just got in under the word count. That was so much fun I might try another.

    Linda H.

  7. Michael Wells

    Ted Snell is an inspiring poet whose works have been published in 57 languages including Braille. He’s received the Thorn E. Gooseberry award, the Doe-Ta Mentionit award, and was this year’s recipient of the Disneyworld Art Colony Fellowship for his manuscript, Junkyard Sings the Blues.

    Snell’s poetry speaks to the heart of repressed social issues winning him international acclaim and nomination for the No Tell Peace Prize. He was reportedly short listed by GOP for Vice President but passed over due to concerns that his extensive international travels overqualified him on foreign policy.

  8. Razvan Tupa

    Razvan Tupa is the name of a fictionary Romanian poet. It is said that his poetry was invented by cheating husbands just to have a friend as an escuse for their absence from home. "He just sent me this poem from hospital" they said to their wives after two nights that they were not at home. "I had to be with him, he’s my best friend". His poems were transformed in the credo of a macho white heterosexual organisation that just announced their candidate for November 2008 presidential elections. Candidates name is Razvan Tupa but nobody ever saw him.

  9. Razvan Tupa

    Razvan Tupa is a Romanian poet of Turkish origin. His poetry is still held responsable for outbursts of rage against turkish people in different Romanian cities. It is said that every poem he published caused someone’s death and even three mariages. These mariages helped him escape any conviction of „encouragement to hate” towards his poetry.
    He was born in Braila an died as attending one of the three mariages named above as he was cought writing rimes on a napkin by a Romanian nationalist. The killer is currently the wife of the president of main opposition party in Romania.

  10. Amy MacLennan

    Amy MacLennan’s poetry has appeared in Ferret Fancy, Modern Ski Lift Operator and Sewage Today. She was shortlisted for the Lives of the Ancients Sonnets Prize for her poem, "Rumi Was a Hottie." Amy has been anthologized in 17 International Library of Poetry editions, and she was once paid for a poem with two pounds of coffee. In her spare time, she likes to conjugate Latin verbs, create scrapbooks out of the flaps of flat tire rubber she finds on freeways, and find new ways to knot her shoelaces (her current favorite is the Turquoise Turtle Shoelace Knot).

  11. Jane penland hoover

    Fake bio for contest with Robert Lee Brewer
    August 08

    Jane Daily Penstroke has been winning hearts and kudos since she signed her first movie-star coloring book at the age of four. Today ‘Penstroke’ is acclaimed by friends and enemies for her latest fiction masterpiece "I’m telling all the dirt, soon as I sweep him out." Illustrations accompany each chapter and a box of wax color markers for your own artistic pleasure. Coming soon to ‘Clandestine Rendezvous Books’ in your hometown.

  12. patti williams

    Tirelessly true to her trade, Patti Williams, author and creator of Patti’s Poetry, recently accepted the prestigious “I Stayed In My Tree Last Night” award given by the Red Wine Association. The celebrated event, held at Wayne’s Wino Bar and Grill in Grapevine, was a first for the poet. Before being carried out of the bar at the end of the festivities, Ms. Williams’ lovingly drunken fans were not disappointed as she lifted her head long enough to say, “Wine is fine but liquor’s quicker.” This reporter says Cheers and Congratulations Patti Williams!

  13. Tami Krueger

    Crimson Bain was a songwriter for the rock group, Aerosmith, until the early 80’s. Since then she has been scraping years of groupie residue and metal-head gunkified dried-on debris from her reams of memoirs and has been publishing them under the psuedonyn of "Ring Tone." When the royalties from such great lyrics as "Toys in The Attic," and "Sweet Emotion," began to increase in recent years because newer bands had begun their partying before they were famous and could not invent lyrics of their own. They paid her handomely and she is living quite comfortably.

  14. Karen Arthur

    Karen Arthur was born and raised as a copycat Von Trap family singing group. They were billed as the "Famous Von Craps". Between singing gigs and trips to the convent she wrote over 100 songs for her pretend siblings. Playing 20 or more different instruments she was able not only to croon the lead but also provide all the accompaniment. After turning 18 she left the group to join a now defunct cult. She now tie-dyes T-shirts, bags, and other multi-colored items. Karen peddles her wares along with her poetic ramblings at art fairs and galleries across the country. Check out her website, http://www.riches_to_rags_poetry_Ts_and_Bags.com, for her latest rhyming tomes and pick up one of her famous rainbow T’s to fit your mood, dude.

  15. Nancy

    Nancy Posey has written a lifetime of poetry without the slightest input from a muse, copy editor, or agent. She believes that with the aid of time machine, she could have had Frost writing free verse, Dickinson wearing more color and getting out every now and then, Poe lightening up, and Plath taking her head out of the oven, sharpening her pencil and writing at least a couple of sestinas. Until that time, she continues to try to influence nineteen-year-old college students to spend their spending money on books of poetry instead of CDs , newspaper editors to publish poems instead of reporting on Paris, Brad, and Angelina, and publishers to market chapbooks instead of cookbooks. She clings to her conviction that she does not need to appear on television with Jeff Foxworthy in order to prove to herself that she is smarter than a fifth grader. While most of her poetry is composed on yellow legal pad paper with a blotchy Bic pen, Wednesdays find her composing rapidly at her laptop.

  16. Jolanta Laurinaitis

    "Faiytale characters are made up, like elves, fairies and eskimos." This is just one of the great lines you will read in Jolanta Laurinaitis’ new instructional guide – "Oh crap! – How not to laugh at the dumb things kids say in the classroom". This book is the fourth in a series written by Jolanta; other titles include: "How to breathe through your mouth when a child passes wind", "Children don’t know the word hangover", and "Sleeping Logs! Your game to success!" When Jolanta is not breathing through her mouth, she is usually sitting in the staffroom with a sherry in one hand and a ventilator in the other.

  17. Jolanta Laurinaitis

    From acclaimed Australian author Jolanta Laurinaitis comes her next book "The art of wood curling" – a tragic, but hilarious collection of poems on the different shapes wood takes when shaven from its branch. This long-awaited book is the first collection of poetry to be read by trained monkeys at Adeliade’s Fringe festival this year. When Jolanta is not riding her kangaroo around the outback, she enjoys fencing with her legless brother, entering tuna throwing competitions and wrestling crocodiles for their teeth to make exquisite jewelery. "The art of wood curling’ is a book that will keep you… en guard!

  18. Diana Robinson

    Old Mother Hubbard has been talked about around the world for being so attentive to her poor dog. Dog lovers continue to send her fan mail applauding her heroism. She is also known for tormenting cabinet makers because her cupboard was bare. Her new book, How to Feed Your Poor Dog When The Cupboard is Bare, should be in bookstores by the end of the year. The book has already been approved as a 2009 Oprah book club favorite. Old Mother Hubbard will be making a special appearance in the Pet Shop parade in New York next week.

  19. Doug

    Cool … I count eleven entries so far from The Write Idea forum . So … I’d better get a couple in after posting that! Great that so many jumped in!

    M.Barr-Myngfluid is a well preserved man in his later years. He has an enviable record within his niche market, having successfully published several anecdotal volumes about his career. They are the life and soul of the funeral trade and have raised a titter from time to time (obviously scowled upon).
    Following on from the raving success of ‘The art of the funeral in black and white’ he is proud to announce the latest blockbuster ‘Cachets to cachets’ will be launched sedately and in distinguished silence at the ‘Mounters and Stuffers Club’, Dismal Street. Please wear black and a stern demeanour.

    Hgup Salguod is not available. He’s hiding. A little ashamed following the launch of his last book. There was a mix up of course. What was originally titled ‘Sidesaddle on a dachshund amongst the street gangs’ was retitled ‘Lowdown on the low down’ by his publisher. The firearms forensics team is still having several field days with my … ooops … his old house, or what’s left of it. Its not my … err .. his fault. So unless you’re not that nice man from the National Enquirer with the cheque, then you never heard of me … him. Right?

  20. Sarah

    Sarah Francois author of the book "I did you and your momma" has been spending time rivaling in Real life lindsay lohan’s performance in confessions of a teenage drama queen. After her four stints in rehab Sarah is quoted as saying I REALLY AM A BUTTERFLY. And fly she shall hopefully without substances as she releases her new work entitled "that aint my spliff". Her hobbies include denial, denial, and re-virginity.

    -this is a fake bio

  21. Catherine McGuire

    I’m enjoying these entries…and here’s my bio!
    Catherine McGuire lays a poem a day, but none can find the source. Take a gander at: "Terza Rima in Ten Dimensions" and "The Waistland", which were recently published in her book "Gleaning the Universe: Proto-Poems for the Molecularly Complex". She lives a rural existence, watching the servants carry water and chop wood, and gifting them with the resultant poems. She has appeared in Best American Poetry series seven times under different pseudonyms, some of which would astound readers.

  22. Terri

    Dagmar Everlof is a nudist,expert skijorer/pulkist and prize-winning poet. She was born and raised in Ljunggardskop, Sweden and can often be seen writing poetry on pine bark while tethered and pulled by her 60lb Siberian Husky named, Odin. Her latest collection of poetry "Kold nap spene och line vidranna hoft" (Frost-bit nipples and a rope burned butt)has been published by Skitkallt Press. Her other hobbies include vodka drinking,making husmankost and bareback reindeer riding.

  23. Joannie Stangeland

    My poems are inspired by the tea leaves in the bottom of my cup or the steam that swirls up from stream water that I heat over an open flame. To connect most closely with my muse, I hand harvest the mint leaves and dry them in a hollow cedar log. I then write each poem on paper that I have made carefully harvested and chewed into pulp. For ink, I pound berries that I harvest on the seventh night after each new moon. My poems, sent in small scrolls or tied with silk threads to the legs of doves, have appeared in Up the Downspout, Empty Kettle, and When It Isn’t Raining Review, among other publications. I am the author of 17 books of poems and two books of essays. My 18th volume, Wraiths in the Wrack, is forthcoming from Palimpsest Press. I live above sea level. The kitchen is very small.

  24. Casey O'Donnell

    After leaving a lucrative career in rickshaw arbitrage, Casey O’Donnell honed his not insubstantial gift for understated irony as a ghost speech writer for several successful Republican senatorial campaigns. O’Donnell is the Saidian chair of post-structural Deridian cartoon physics at the esteemed Institución de los Pollos Frios (Des Moines IA satellite campus). O’Donnell has singlehandedly redefined the genre of creative non-fiction with his sophomore effort, “Dim Sum, Then Sum, And Some Other Sums You’ll Never Sum Up; A Summary” It is a “non-stop thrill ride for the CPA set,” according to Peter Travers of Rolling Stone.

  25. Shaindel Beers

    Shaindel Beers, the once promising young poet, has decided after reading many literary journals, including this one, that mediocrity is the way to go. Obviously no one was brilliant enough to understand her allusions to the classical mythologies of ancient civilizations, her personal theories of metaphysics, or her unique insight into the human condition. Instead, journals have elected to publish her drunken scrawlings written on napkins at dive bars, which she then drunk types when she comes home alone from happy hours at various establishments. The other nights, little writing gets done.

  26. Kate

    In the days since her triuphant return from the Beijing Olympics, Kate Baggott has traded in her balance beam for a metaphoric one and rededicated herself to writing poetry that celebrates the modern stay-at-home mom. Her recent collection "The Flexible State," about attachment parenting, long-term nursing, and homeschooling won awards from publications as diverse as Natural Parenting Magazine, Reader’s Digest and the Economist.

  27. Earl Parsons

    Born, grew up, lost his hair, fathered four, husband to the best woman in the world, faithful to God, in debt, loving life, and working as long as the Lord allows, Earl is a work in progress. Earl is alive, for now, and finally going somewhere.

  28. Brenna

    Turkey Malurkey was basted and fried, but she didn’t let it get her down. Her first book, Gobs, won the Yale Young Turkey Prize and it was judged by God. After her book tour, she starting cooking up some more poetry, and her second book is bound to be juicy. Look for it in November at "375 Degrees" and other fine independent bookshops.

  29. Salvatore Buttaci

    Salvatore Buttaci, who recently declined the crown of Savory Emperor of the West, was awarded the coveted Croix de Pais for his paradigm on world peace. His two-volume epic poem Penelope Is Still Waiting won the Nobel Prize for Literature this year.

  30. S.E. Ingraham

    S.E. Ingraham, the poet-madam who put the “trick” in eccentric is hanging up her stilettos.Ingraham, best known for her award-winning collection, “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Fuck ‘Em”, writes from her tree house in Guinea- Bissau, “My feet hurt, eh…” She lives presently with two rare pygmy goats and the understudy to the Dalai Lama. She reports she now writes poetry on most Sundays in February but was vague about the release date of her next book. Ingraham also teaches line dancing to native medicine men, saying she believes she has finally found her calling.

  31. DonnaG

    I. M. Fido has led a rough life. Abandoned at birth, he had to kiss a lot of arses on his way to the top. After digging himself into one hole too many, he finally, however, found the pot of gold with his new self-help book: ‘Badgers Taste Bad’. Please visit http://www.EatSleepWoofCrap.com for a chance to win a free, signed first edition of this exciting debut work.

  32. S.E. Ingraham

    S.E.Ingraham aka Paris Rossetti

    Rossetti, this year’s winner of the Romance Writer’s Unusual Love Stories, intrigued the judges with her novelette, “Martha and Her Silverback Lover”, her oddly original tale of love in the jungle; a semi-autobiographical account of her year living amongst the great apes in Rwanda. She has been unavailable for comment since her win, no longer able; it seems, to communicate with humans. It is rumoured that Rossetti plans to return to Africa as soon as her shots are up-to- date; she longs to teach ‘writing erotic poetry‘ to monkeys.(Never mind trying to sign up your monkey; the class is full). We are taking orders for Rossetti’s books online.