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What It Would Sound Like If I Pitched My Novel to an Agent Right Now

Categories: This Writer's Life.
Dear (Specified Agent),

Wassup (insert either bro or babe depending on gender of agent)? Yeah, nothing with me either. Anyway, I loved the book To Kill A Mockingbird, which I know you had nothing to do with, but I just wanted to establish right away my literary credentials. Plus, I like to think of myself as, like, “The Beantown” Harper Lee because of the way we both really like to take our time in between projects and have two first names. Coincidence? As John Cusak can tell you, no f*cking way.

Ok, now that I’ve no doubt whetted your appetite, it’s time for the main course: my novel. It doesn’t yet have a title that I like, so I’ve just been calling it Gone With the Wind II: The Wind Returns. Anyway, GWTW Deuce is about a sexual assault at a fictional college. The story is told in two sections: one is from the friend of the accused sexual assaulter and is in first person present tense and one is past tense third person and is vignettes of a budding relationship. At the start of the book, you find out that the one guy Jim is being accused of sexual assault by this girl named Queens, and he just disappears. Where did he go, you ask? Well, I’m not quite sure because I haven’t gotten to that part, but his friends– including the narrator Tristan– spend most of the book trying to find him, figure out what really happened with him and the girl and slam local and imported brews (because they are in college). I like to think about it like Jurassic Park without dinosaurs, which is how I plan on pitching it at the Writer’s Digest Conference pitch slam.

What’s that? You want more of the story? That little blurb wasn’t enough? Ok, well try this on for size, friend: There is a road trip, there is a stop at a Fuddruckers, there are swears, there is tongue kissing, there is self-discovery. Almost all of the characters change from the way they were at the start of the book, some in good ways and some, of course, in really good ways. The narrator learns about himself and the end, which is cliffhanger-esque, is what my advisor in my MFA program would call “corny and cliched”. Am I being too specific?

Anyway, before you offer to buy the book yourself or at least give me a little something to make it worth my while, I would like to tell you a little about the person that wrote said book, so you know just what to expect. I am an MFA student at a well known college in a certain part of Boston. What’s that? No, not Harvard, they don’t have an MF–well, maybe they do, but I certainly didn’t apply, which isn’t to say I couldn’t get into whatever they do offer and really tear it up, it’s just… I didn’t feel like it because I hate taking the red line T into Cambridge and once got food poisoning at a cafe in Harvard Square. Um, we should move on. Where was I? Oh yes, how else I’m perfect. Well let’s see, I have a myriad of experience writing (note to agent: I use words bigger than myriad all the time without even knowing. Check it out: Perfidy). I have been published in countless magazines (2) and have sent in comments (that weren’t published but, technically, could’ve been) to such prestigious magazines as Sports Illustrated, Esquire and Okay!.

This is my first novel, but really I like to think about it as our first novel, seeing how you’ll have to do a lot of editing. Also, I hope you like to brainstorm, because there are several parts that don’t make sense right now, and I still need to write the last 130 pages, most of which I haven’t outlined.

Thank you for your (and my) time. And thanks, in advance, for helping edit that dream sequence:) I didn’t think it should be 89 pages long either.

I don’t want lose your love tonight,

Your Literary Soul Mate:

Kevin Alexander

ps- Please send the royalty checks to my mother’s house. I don’t trust my mailman.
pps- I came up with a catch phrase for my book signing tour: “Boo ya! Which one of you motherf***ers wants me to sign some sh*t?”  I know, I can’t believe how good it is either. You’re welcome.

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17 Responses to What It Would Sound Like If I Pitched My Novel to an Agent Right Now

  1. Your Mom says:

    Yo Kev-bra,
    You’re a pompous 80′s music afficionado. I don’t know if this is a good thing. Do I hate you or love you? It is both.

  2. God, I really look forward to your blogs, Kevin!! Love your humor!!

  3. Stouteendje says:

    Now you got me wondering if agents really do get pitch letters like these! Gawd I feel bad for the agents now… They don’t have it easy, do they? :)

  4. Sara says:

    This is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read. No one does this type of humor better. I linked to you.

    Hell with the haters. Keep this blog going. It never fails to entertain me.

  5. Hi Kevin!

    You are funny. Maybe we could have a conversation sometime about writing. I’m finishing up my Master’s Degree in English at The College of Charleston and ….well, read my profile! This pitch letter is hilarious! Best wishes, and visit my blog!

  6. RW says:

    Dude, you should not write stuff like this! I almost fell out of my chair!!

  7. Ramsey says:

    you paid me to write something

  8. Kevin Alexander says:

    Ramsey, how did you find this website?

  9. Ramsey says:

    That offer letter would never work, no agent would ever take you seriously.

  10. Best pitch letter EVER, Kevin! :)

  11. Kierie says:

    That Catchphrase is enough of a draw!! ITS PERFECT You made my boring workday!

  12. Dori says:

    Wow! You like Harper Lee?! I am in awe of your literary credentials.

    Can’t see any reason why an agent wouldn’t jump all over the creative talent behind your tagline.

    Thanks for making my morning.

  13. Gina says:

    I want some of what you’re smoking, dude. We should collaborate on a project; your book sounds like mine.

  14. You. Are. A. Nut! Nough said!

  15. Mandy says:

    That is absolutely the perfect proposal letter! Tell it like it is!! :-) What a great way to start my day!

  16. I know if *I* were an agent, I’d publish that very proposal letter. Pure gold right there.

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