On Geniusocity

Warning: I was given one of those Coca Cola Blak coffee-Coke drinks for
free by some promotion person right before I wrote this. Point being:
Don’t drink Coa-Cola Blak.

I
took one of those online IQ tests that popped when I was trying to buy
a used Fine Young Cannibals CDs online. It wasn’t hard. I got around a
180, which ties me with Charles Darwin, according to Wikipedia, as the
second smartest person ever recorded. Of course, I’d have to pay to
find out my actual specific score, but honestly, why bother? That
sounds about right.

But now I have a new problem. You know that phrase that
George Washington or Spiderman said, something about “with great power
comes great responsibility”? That’s sort of my life now. Before, when I
didn’t realize that I was a genius, I was content to revel in the sort
of carefree semi-bohemian lifestyle that comes with growing a beard,
especially here in Bratislava, Slovakia, where I just got a mineral
water, hot chocolate, and a sesame seed bagel with mozzarella, tomato
and pesto at the Slovak equivalent of Starbucks for about two bucks (No
joke). But now I can feel the intellectual burden  weighing down on my
well defined shoulders. For example, I was just reading about global
warming in the International Herald Tribune
and I started to feel guilty, like, “Should I just take the weekend and
solve the problem?” But I’m all conflicted because I wanted to go out
this weekend and I can never do anything hungover. Nevertheless, the
point remains: Am I under utilizing my genius-ocity? And where the f**k
in Bratislava can I get a haircut?

Just in case you’re thinking, “This has nothing to do with
writing or really anything. Why did i subscribe to this blog when I
could be reading PerezHilton.com?”, I’ll have you know that this same
issue affects my reading and writing as well. I used to think that the
reason I felt like I wanted to die every time I’d read something old,
dense and ultra-literary was because I couldn’t pronounce most of the
words and–it sounds silly to even say this now–didn’t understand the
deeper meaning, context and symbolism within the texts. But, obviously,
since it’s been established that i’m, like, a genius, maybe the reason
I was so bored was because I understood the work too fast and already
knew exactly where the story was going. Don’t believe me? A little
suspicious? Fine. Take James Fenimore Cooper’s snooze cruise Last of
the Mohicans. I knew Natty Bummppo would eventually get revenge on
Magua for killing Chingachgook and then eventually tongue kiss with
Alice before I even finished the second chapter, and that wasn’t only because I’d already seen the film starring Daniel Day Lewis.

And
i know this might seem like a stretch, but maybe my writing is also a
lot deeper and intellectually grounded than i first thought. Sure, on
the surface, my ne’er be finished novel-in-progress/master’s thesis
might seem like its just a story about a sexual assault at a school
that is a thinly veiled replica of where i went to undergrad, but
that’s just a surface read by someone I like to call a non-genius, or,
in layman’s terms, Ramsey. On a closer reading, it’s quite obvious that
my book is really a commentary on the effects of global warming on the
rockhopper penguin; a scathing critique of Sherman’s “scorched earth
policy” during the Civil War and an objective review of the second
Matchbox 20 album ‘If You’re Gone’.

Ok. I would attempt to further analyze my new found burden
but my time in the Internet Cafe has been cut short by Bratislava’s
policy of closing stores before the sun goes down in an effort to avoid
vampires during the commute.

I’m going to use my nascent intelligence to find a Mexican restaurant in Slovakia.

Rhythm is a Dancer,

KA

PS-
As incentive to actually leave your actual email when you post a
comment: Besides the likely possibility that you could receive a
message from me 3 weeks down the line asking you to wire me money, I am
putting together an exclusive group contact list so that those of you
who actually might be interested will be the first to know when I
release the first single off my inevitable R&B/Pop album, get an
inappropriate forwarded email from my grandfather or God forbid,
publish something, like, you know, a book. So if you want in, drop your
email. I’m almost 70% positive I’ll be able to read it.

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14 thoughts on “On Geniusocity

  1. Rashida

    Personally, I like to make up my own super-vague but semi-literate sounding interpretations of any of the classics that I don’t get (or didn’t read and just want to fake it in snobbish company). Most of the time if you act like a street corner psychic and cater to the audience, use some big words and leave the actual meaning rather loose, most people will just nod their heads and say, "Hhmmm, I see where you’re coming from," or something else that translates into, "I didn’t get it either but I’m sure as h*ll not going to be the only one here not getting it!"

    Sooo…..how’s it coming with that whole global warming thing? Just asking….

  2. Paul

    Well, I think that I too have suffered from bouts of geniusocity. The problem is, once I feel like I’ve seen through the mystery of something, my inner genius tells me that I am way too smart to trust myself, and I end up confused again.

  3. Rebekah Nemethy

    Yeah I just can’t follow the classics. I’ve attempted to read a few and I’m always pretty disappointed at the end. The only time I ever understood the symbolism is when it was drilled into my head for one class or another and, honestly, I’m kind of sick of interpretations being presented by professors as fact. How the hell does anyone know, especially in the cases of classic poems, what the author/poet was trying to say. Did they talk to them 100 years ago?

    I’ve even attempted to download some classics on libravox.com and listen to them in my car. I probably drove 200 miles listening to Pride and Prejudice before I finally gave up on who was flirting with who and who owned what estate. I think writers have evolved since then. Don’t worry, I don’t think Darwin knew what the f**k they were talking about either.

  4. Michelle RedSun

    Sorry you think you are a genius, but you are over average not a genuis. Genius is over 260 yours is only an the high side. Yes U are graded to be above a monkey. Don’t worry you will survive. Sincere it sounds you have Dyslexia which goes along with brain development.

  5. mercurial scribe

    i’m only commenting to test the 70% rule.

    Or there’s that deeper meaning of reaching out to another bohemian-esque writer pondering the classics. i channel Mark Twain: "A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."

    Here i insert a satisfied "hmph".

  6. MF Craig

    You are hysterical. I love hearing that others don’t get the deeper meaning, symbolism, etc. in some of those literary classics… that’s so me, too. Keep me posted on your intellectual endeavors.

  7. Paula Neal Mooney

    Aw man, Kevin A., that Coke Blak is righteous!

    Fortunately the Lord has broken my caffeine addiction so I’m off the sauce right now…

    Either way, you are a funny genius.

    I can’t wait to read a book from you. I wonder if you’re blocked on the middle school thingee ’cause you’re supposed to be writing something else, more current.

    I’m thinking something along the lines of "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs, starring you — the genius!

    Seriously though, I will follow your first National Book Award and beyond.

    Paula
    cpmooney@aol.com

  8. L

    Just dropping in to say your blog, thus far, is awesome. I hope you’re having fun, genius or not, in Slovakia.
    Coca Cola Blak…? Is that like coffee but with coke? If so, *EW*. No wonder they’re giving it away.
    Anyway, I’d also like to get updates on all that stuff, SO I am leaving my email address. Hope to hear more from you soon.

  9. Morgan Barnhart

    Funny thing, they were promoting those Cola Coffee things in China too…they weren’t going over too well. Probably because the Chinese hate coffee. And yet, there are lots of coffee places…on the other hand, no one is in them. But hey, at least no one can say they didn’t try.

    In response to your newly discovered genius-ness, if you have a few minutes, you should hop on over to….

    *a few hours later*

    Whoa, whenever I go to Youtube, I get heavily distracted. ANYWAY, as I was saying, you should look at this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXJVxmWTmkg He’s a genius, so says the title.

    Lastly, I would like to get updates on all that good stuff you said in your P.S.

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