Feelings: Intense Periods of Motivation followed by Cravings for Applewood Smoked Bacon, Anger, Melancholy.
Sins: Greed, Envy…Gluttony (see: Bacon, Applewood Smoked)
(Tears For) Fears: That my butt muscles will cramp from lack of use, then atrophy, then cramp again, most likely while I’m sitting in a public place with my father. That I’m much better at writing fake articles in the novel for my characters to read than actual ones in my real job. That I might be unhealthily obsessed with writing about people scratching their faces, which –when examined psychologically– will reveal that I hate my mom. Or maybe just women. Either way, lose-lose.
Thoughts: I know it’s possible to be too handsome, (Jude Law, the dude Samantha regularly sleeps with in the final season of “Sex and the City”, Jared Leto in Fight Club, etc) but is it possible to be too productive? I was a writing machine today, banging out 2200 words before dinner, which, unrelated, was delicious. The key, it seems, was leaving my father’s house and going and working in the snack bar/lounge area at his golf club (some facts about my dad: retired, plays a stereotypically absurd amount of golf, loves Scottish Mystery Novels and Coca-Cola Classic with a lime, hates change, unbridled optimism and workmen from across the street who park their frickin’ trucks in his driveway).
By getting out of the house and feeling uncomfortable getting up and moving around amongst old, wealthy people that smell like self tanner and hand lotion, I was forced to work, and surprisingly I responded with…productivity. It also helped that I was able to order a club sandwich with–wait for it–wait for it–Applewood Smoked Bacon on wheat without the middle slice of bread (you lose, Carbs) and charge it to my father, something he surely won’t even realize happened until I’m safely back in Boston. Moral: Don’t have kids.
Question to Ponder:Was “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette really written in response to her being dumped by the dude who played Uncle Joey on Full House? According to my dad, that’s the word on the street in SoCal.
I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight,
PS- Pictured Below: Jared “Too Handsome” Leto and Dave Coulier hilariously imitating a bunny. Eat it, Alanis.