utilize the time-tested, mother-approved formula that make LCAQ’s so,
so damn successful, I’m going to walk you through the steps I take
when crafting these timeless phenomenon’s of top shelf journalism.)
(First: always find the name of the editor of the section you’re pitching,
unless you know for a fact that they don’t like you because you
accidentally got drunk at a writing conference and called them an
“ugly faced sellout”, at which point it’s probably better to stick to
Dear Editor-in-Chief Whose Name I Couldn’t Find Online,
(The lede’s got to hook them in right away and show off some of your
writing skillz. Sidenote: Don’t make a habit of replacing s’s with
z’s) Oh, Tiger Beat, sweet, sweet Tiger Beat, ye olde beacon of
puberty-past. How you must long to dramatize the alarming effects
that teen idols have on 13 year old girl psyches. How perfect your
pictures were for the collages girls used to give to their BFFs with
ransom-esque words like “Boy Krazy” and “Hottie” juxtaposed over
pictures of Justin Timberlake and that guy who played AC Slater. Do
you not pine for the pre-Facebook days when kids still read things
that weren’t posted on their friends “walls”? Don’t you wish you knew
what a “wall” was?
(Ok. Although this is sort of an advanced concept, I recommend that–
while displaying your intimate knowledge of the magazine you’re
pitching– you feel free to speculate philosophically about the
meaning of said magazine’s name) Well, fear not. Your magazine is
called Tiger Beat for a reason, although that reason isn’t all that
clear to me. It is neither about Tigers nor about musical beats and
none of your reporters seem to have local ties to zoos, which–while
puzzling– is unimportant. I think too many people overlook the
subtlety of a name like Tiger Beat. Perhaps you’re giving a subtle
homage to Colin Farrell’s American movie debut in “Tigerland”, which
also had nothing to do with tigers but did have several hotties who’d
look above average on collages.
(Now that they know where you’re coming from and what you know, drop
the full idea on them in a short, interesting paragraph. Be very specific and try
to identify where you will place it in the mag so that editors will feel like you
actually read the magazine and didn’t just hear someone talking about it while browsing
Forever 21 in the mall.)
Moving on, my idea is simple. I wish to spend an entire day participating in
various athletic/intellectual/social-emotional contests of the body/
mind/soul with Kevin Alexander Clark–the former teen heart throb
from School of Rock and a mutual bearer of the Kevin Alexander name/
stamp. Although the details are still “iffy”, let’s just say there
will be a Slip N’ Slide off, a You’ve Got Served style dance off, and
some sort of left handed arm wrestling contest. I assume you have a
legal department in case sh*t gets real. The piece will consist of
several sections detailing these athletic feats coupled with the
Juiciest (random capitalization? So in right now!!) of details re: KAC’s lady
friends, haircuts, and turbulent trip through puberty. And just because
I like you,if you give me 24 hours, I can probably deliver 3600 words
and several pull quotes from Raven Symone Pearman, gratis.
(Oooohhh. Here’s a teaching point: Always use words that you understand.
For example, I didn’t realize that gratis meant free, and now I’ve
potentially screwed myself out of my rent money for the month of
(Now that you’ve unleashed your idea it’s time to throw down your credentials so
they know why you’re the one who should be writing the article)
But maybe Sweet Tiger Beat, you still remain on the proverbial fence. Maybe you still
doubt that someone can penetrate the soul of a method actor like KAC.
Well to help assuage said fears, here are a two FAQ’s about my life
as a professional writer to help get you all aboard the Kevin
Alexander writing train express.
1. In your estimation, how many articles have you, Kevin Alexander,
Answer: First of all, I never estimate. Never! I just know. And the
answer is roughly 70.
2. Why should you write this article? I don’t think you’ve ever read
a Tiger Beat.
Answer: You don’t have to “open” a Tiger Beat to know that they’re
dropping the hottest celebrity journalism outside of Eastern Europe.
And to answer your first question, I have to believe that God and at
least one of my parents put me on this earth to do two things: 1. Get
arrested for “disturbing the peace” at a Third Eye Blind Concert and
2. Win Tiger Beat a National Magazine Award and–as the magistrate at
the Hartford Civil Court can attest– I’m already halfway there.
(Now that you’ve wrapped your query in such a tightly constructed,
finely tuned package of words, it’s time to bring it home. I
recommend a pithy little comment about how busy you are so they
realize you’re the real thing and then some sort of pop culture
reference sign off incorporating the title of the magazine. Editors
Alright TG, I’ve got to be off. It seems Facebook has alerted me that
someone has both “poked” me and written on my wall and I need to
update my Myspace page to include a blazin’ Justin Timberlake remix I
just encountered on the Internet 2.0. You know where to find me (Oh
yeah. Include your contact info at the bottom). I feel like I’ve
known you forever.
(Tiger) Beat it,