A Conversation I'm Currently Having With Myself

“Dude.”
“What?”
“Stop. Seriously.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop f-ing around online, pack up your computer and go finish your work. You’re on deadline. Today!”
No, I know. I totally know. I’m going in one sec–it’s just–have you seen Slate today? There’s this article by Witold Rybczynski about how to make environmentally friendly buildings that aren’t ugly. It’s really interesting sounding.”
“But you don’t even like architecture. And Witold Rybczynski sounds like a made up name.”
“I know, it totally sounds made up. I think that’s what originally interested me in the article.”
“Well, yeah, I mean funny names are kind a–no, wait. Stop this. Get your stuff and go to Espresso Royale and finish this draft of the Best Pre-Schools package for Boston Mag. Your editor is going to kill you.”
(Whiny voice)”But if I go to Espresso Royale, I’m going to smell like coffee for the rest of the day. And plus sometimes there are hippies there, and they seem like the judging-type of hippies.”
“Then stop asking them for patchouli oil and incense. Now c’mon. Pack up. You really need to go now.”
“Okay, fine. Let me turn off my–oh, just got an email. It seems Ramsey has sent me a link to a blog that talks about drinking and watching football, but apparently–according to Ramsey– does so hilariously and in a way that only guys can appreciate. Being that I’m a guy and sometimes I watch football that sounds like something I’d be interested in reading about, so let me just click on that li–“
“Are you serious? What the f**k is your problem? Ramsey sends links from this blog everyday. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even read it.”
“What’s your problem with Ramsey?”
“I don’t have a problem with Ramsey. I just want you to stop procrastinating so you’re not in such a bad mood later when you realize you have to pull an all-nighter.”
“Okay, you’re right. Let me check one thing, ok? I just need to do this quick search.”
(Typing)
“Um, are you Googling yourself?”
“…No.”
“Yes, you are. You’re doing it right now. I’m watching you.”
“Dude, have you ever thought about what happens when you Google Google? That would be crazy. Doesn’t that just melt your face? That’s like some postmodern-outside-the-Matrix type sh*t.”

“No, it’s not, you’d just get sent to Google.com–anyway, stop changing the subject!! You’re the worst most self obsessed procrastinator ever. Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time online looking at stupid Youtube videos of bears eating moose and reading pointless links and Googling yourself, you’d actually get things accomplished!”

(Quietly) “It’s meese.”
“What!?”
“The plural for moose is meese.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yeah, man, I read Ranger Rick. It is.”
“Google that shite.”
“Ok, but first I’m just going to watch a quick episode of Friday Night Lights on NBC.com. I’m nearly halfway through the first season, and the Dillon Panthers just found out they made the playoffs!!”
“Dude, you really do need to go. But now that you mention Friday Night Lights, I was sort of wondering: What’s going on with Lyla Garrity and her tumultuous relationship with Jason Street?”
“Only one way to find out, friend!!”

PS- To whet (wet?) your appetite, here’s a preview of the show I’m obsessed with that critics are calling “better than Ezra” and “like Notting Hill with football players”. And now, seriously, I’m going to leave to go Espresso Royale. The hippies don’t like to stay after 5 PM anyway.

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4 thoughts on “A Conversation I'm Currently Having With Myself

  1. Sara

    Has anyone seen Ellen Degeneres’ bit on procrastination? Hilarious. Writers are plagued by it. It’s what will break us…or will it make us? Don’t we all work better under pressure anyway?

  2. Genevieve Cancienne

    Why is it I can read and reread stuff like this, but I have to force myself to read the actual writing tips in Writer’s Digest? Could this be why my career as a newsletter writer hasn’t skyrocketed yet? And is skyrocketing one word or two? We may never know the answers to these questions. But I do know that reading honest and hilarious works like yours helps me get back to work when I’m procrastinating on a article. Keep it up, man.

    -Genevieve

  3. Tamika

    Kevin,

    You are such a mirror to my own life. Are you by chance a 26 year old black female as well? I love that you make my great procrastination okay and completely normal. Without the need to find vices during my own bouts of procrastination during Bar Exam Study, I would have never been able to : 1) fall in love with all the Dylan Panthers, 2) catch up on all my missed episodes of Two-A-Days, The Hills, and Run’s House (who needs a cable bill? Not Tamika), 3) Google all my high school nemeses, congratulating myself on each of their downfalls, and 4) excuse my "just passing" score as a product of my environment. I say that we should all welcome our procrastination. I don’t know about you, but it sure makes me a better, more interesting person.

    – Tamika

  4. Kerri

    Hi Kevin – I haven’t seen you in several years, but from reading all your blog entries (I’ve been catching up), it sounds like you haven’t changed an ounce. You are just as funny now as you were then ..

    Hope all is well with you and your family. Hope your Mom is doing well … she was one of my most favorite people to work with at the gym … send her my best ..

    Kerri

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