PITCH WORKSHOP: ENTRY 5

Today’s submission to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop comes from Matt in Montreal, who is looking for feedback on his synopsis for his feature idea, Downsize This! (although he’s not married to the title).  He also says:

“I’m aiming for a Jim Carrey inspired, farout main Protagonist, contrasted with an even wilder love interest, populated with supporting characters with their own selfish designs…

I’m happy with what I have here, but if you could offer me any specific guidance with how to improve the above synopsis, I would greatly appreciate it.”

So please… take a look and post your constructive criticism in the comments section below!  Here’s Matt’s synopsis… and thanks for submitting, Matt!…

Title: Downsize This!
Genre: Romantic Comedy

“Love in the Time of Downsizing”

Steve (40) is a miserable, cantankerous SOB, who finds that his long-laid plans for self-downsizing is finally starting to bear fruit when his Boss presents him with an offer he can’t refuse: submit to the company’s new Wellness Program, and if in 6 weeks, his disruptive at work attitude can’t be adjusted; his self-downsizing wish – and the severance windfall that accompanies it – will be granted.

But when Steve meets and immediately falls in love with Alice (36), the sexy, eccentric, alcoholic Wellness Program Instructor he learns is (unwillingly) destined for downsizing; he presents a very different face at work – one of charisma and cool confidence – that brings a surge of curious new members to Alice’s program; securing her immediate future within the company.

It also garners the attention of the Boss’ who mistake Steve’s charade as proof that he may just be what they’ve been looking for: someone fresh, re-energized, and confident; a man who can be presented to the Board as appearing to be the company’s new face during these tough economic times.

Meanwhile, Steve struggles to woo Alice away from a competing nemesis while juggling his new found celebrity with other female co-workers, as he continues to plot his professional demise within the company in the hopes of receiving his elusive severance prize.

In the end, Steve must decide if what he wants – financial independence – is really worth sacrificing what it is he truly needs – love?

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4 thoughts on “PITCH WORKSHOP: ENTRY 5

  1. Matt

    I like this.

    Thanks for you input Janine.

    As you can tell, I’m at the point where I’m unable to see the forest from the trees – I think I’ve OVER COOKED this idea way too many times. I’m gonna try the ‘tell it so a Teenager can understand it,’ method now.

    Have a good weekend.

    Matt.

  2. janine

    I find the synopsis a little confusing, I understand in the end what the story is, but it’s jumbled while reading it. It seems like it’s been overwritten, the explanation of the story needs to be a little simpler. Like, what do you mean by "self-downsizing?" Steve wants to get fired and take severance is my guess, but at first glance, it’s strange. I think just because the story has "downsize" in the title, doesn’t mean you have to use that word so many times in the synopsis. Also, why would he get a "windfall" of severance? If the times are tough economically, why would he get more than a month of pay or so? That doesn’t make sense, why wouldn’t everyone at the company want to be fired? In addition, why can’t he get laid off as well as keep his love interest, Alice? Wouldn’t she prefer a financially independent guy who doesn’t work at such a lame company? There needs to be a little clarification of these points in my opinion.

  3. Matt

    One more thing, if I may…

    As a reader…

    – WHAT would you need to read here specifically (ie. what’s missing) for you to say Yes to reading the full script?

    – Any confusing parts?

    – Does this synopsis give you a sense of what’s in store?

    p.s. when I post comments I have to ‘Save Comment’ twice (enter code twice) for the comment to register… don’t know if this might be an issue for other users?

  4. Matt

    Thanks Chad,

    But OUCH! Is that painful for me to read. A symptom of working too much (and not giving oneself a long enough break) on the same material.

    Here’s to any Contributor to the above: No-holds-barred, does this work for you? Cause it reads as Mud to me.

    Thanks again Chad, I also look forward to what you have to say.

    Matt

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