''How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack'' Comes Out Today!!!

Holy moley, dudes, my book is out today! It’s crazy to think that after all these months, the release date is really here. The book is available in all major bookstores, or if you’re an online shopper, you can find it on Amazon easily enough.

I’m giving away a free book to a random commenter who comments in the next 24 hours and lives in North America (ends 12:30 p.m. Wednesday). So comment and spread the word! (Wednesday update: The big winner was No. 3: Christina!)

4 Reasons to

Buy This Book:

1. It will save your life. Besides heart disease and stroke, death by garden gnome is the most common cause of death in the world today.

2. Clarity. Gnomes in pop culture are threatening our society as a whole. The insane phenomenon known as “The Roaming Gnome” is making gnomes sound like symbols of merriment and goodwill, but they are, in fact, murderous murderers.

3. Protection. When confronting a hoard of attacking gnomes, which of these weapons is most effective?
     a) snow shovel
     b) flamethrower
     c) shotgun
If you don’t already know the answer to this question, your life is in danger. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack teaches you what weapons to use and how. It also shows you what weapons gnomes will use against you.

4. Gnomeclature. Did you know that many common phrases we still utter today have their roots in terminology that has to do with gnome attacks? Learn what these phrases are and their strange history rooted in garden gnome violence.

Your life may very well be saved by reading this book. Find it online here!

You might also like:

  • No Related Posts

58 thoughts on “''How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack'' Comes Out Today!!!

  1. Grandma Holly

    He won’t earn any Gnobell Prize for this book but I love his gnoble ideals. I gnominate a friend of mine to contact this writer and share her life experiences with those fiercely gnomadic gnocturnal Gnomes that keep invading her privacy. Chuck could write another book. He obviously has the gnominclature abilities to give it a great title that will attract a lot of needed attention to this scourge in our gardens.

  2. Jame Richards

    Did I make it in just under the wire?

    We had a garden gnome when I was a kid and I would walk all the way around the house in the opposite direction so I didn’t have to pass it. Now I know how right my instincts were! Can’t wait to read the book. Congrats!

  3. Kalynn Brower

    I’m motivated to buy your book for issues of safety (your points 1-3). Issue #4, the spread of Gnomeclature, is even more important to my sanity. Your in-depth analysis promises many chuckles and chortles and out right snorts. I anticipate plenty to tweet about.

    Bravo, Chuck!

  4. S.E.Ingraham

    Ohhh ho ho – you’re gnomebody ’til somebody loooooves you – you’re gnomebody til somebody cares … gnomes rock … gnomes rule … finally, gnomes are getting their due in a book about how truly fearsome they are … long live the garden gnome.

  5. J.M. Lacey

    Congratulations, Chuck! My mom’s an expert gardener, so this looks like a book we can share. And personally, I think the answer to number 3 is a snow shovel. I’ve had years of practice with those babies living in New England!

  6. Elizabeth West

    Heh. I don’t need no stinkin’ gnome book. Those gnomes in my neighbor’s garden ain’t gonna get ME. I got a big rake with their name on it. So bring it on, baby!

    What’s that?

    Hey, come outa them bushes…YAAAAAYYYYIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Erin Nolan

    Congrats, Chuck! I predict whopping success for this book, unless the gnomes are secretly conspiring to keep this vital information from getting out to the public.

  8. Stuart Conover

    So… I’m going to probably get myself veto’d off the win list right off the bat by saying I haven’t read a single thing you’ve done so far. Skipping past that I saw the title of your book on Twitter and was instantly hooked and clicked through to your name to find out more.

    When I got to the web page I saw this contest and for the name alone (and description following quickly after) I know that at some point I will need to pick a copy up. That being the case I’m tossing my name into the hat for the off chance that I win! Great title and description and I can’t wait to see the actual content ;) (Sadly Amazon doesn’t have a preview of it quite yet.)

  9. Stef

    Holy cow! I wrote about gnomes in my creative project for my BA in Writing! This book sounds awesome, and far more useful than the one about the zombie apocalypse. I mean, really, zombies? Those aren’t real. We already know gnomes exist. We won the war once, but can we do it again? They’ve probably been hiding underground for centuries, just waiting, building up their munitions!

  10. Suzi McGowen

    I’ve warned my son many times about the dangers of:
    a) drugs
    b) wandering off the path in the woods
    c) bunnies
    d) garden gnomes

    Sadly, he’s only listened to me about the drugs and bunnies. But I keep working on him!

  11. Jana

    Are you serious??? I’d be willing to bet that alot of zealot HP fans will think you are writing a book on Garden Gnomes talked about in the books and about the Gunumbly magic – Luna’s father spoke about in the Deathly Hallows. Should be interesting to see.

  12. Trace Miller

    Is there by chance a chapter on fighting infestions of pink flamingos? That’s really more the issue in my neighborhood than gnomes, but one never knows, I suppose. Perhaps the flamingos are the harbinger of gnomes to come.