This post is a long time coming, and I’m very excited to announce the release date for my next humor book. It’s a parody guide called WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK: A SURVIVAL GUIDE, and it gets released Oct. 1, 2015, from Ten Speed Press. (Since the new Poltergeist comes out this week, and that insane clown sequence is in this remake, as well, the timing seemed fitting.) Let’s be honest: Clowns are terrifying! These bozos and jokers walk around doing whatever they want — smashing pies into people’s faces, spraying seltzer down their pants, and occasionally abducting toddlers at birthday parties — and no one does anything about it. Well, that time is over. A few years ago, I took a stand against the growing danger of garden gnome attacks with my book, How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, and we slowly educated many people about their mischief. Now it’s time to take a stand against an even larger (and real) threat: creepy & violent clowns.
The book has been a joy to create. I was lucky enough to get a lot of great, colorful images for the book (see a smattering below), and I’m very excited that it comes out in several months, just in time for Halloween. And a special thank you is owed to everyone who supported me big & small along the way to this book’s publication. I have a wide circle of writing friends and acquaintances who have helped me.
WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK will explain everything you need to know about fighting back against these red-nosed, usually-drunk buffoons. Do you know how to identify a clown’s gang status by scrutinizing their shoe color and facial design? I’ll tell you. Do you know how to fight back against a group of clowns in the open? I’ll tell you. Do you know how to spot a plainclothes clown in hiding at the supermarket? I’ll tell you. Protect yourself and your loved ones before these wacky bozos attack your house.
Among many other things, the book breaks down the following:
- The 7 reasons clowns frighten basically everybody on the planet — such as how they seem impervious to injury, they go straight for your children, and they never use their real names and are thus impossible for law enforcement to trace on the grid. But that’s just the start of it. We now know that clowns are secretly planning a massive global attack in an effort to reign supreme in a “Clowntopia” world where brutal Clown Law is the final say in all matters.
- Why 92% of clowns have mental instability. You’d go crazy too if you have to wear oversized outfits, you were shunned if your act ever dared to improve, and you had to constantly fail every day just to get some yuks.
- How a clown will attack you, and the weapons they use. Understand proper defense tactics against weapons such as flying pies, rubber chickens, and scarf chains that seem to go on forever.
- The types of clowns, and the weaknesses of each. For example, the circus “whiteface” clown is typically physically weak, whereas the street clown is so desperate to make the big time that all you have to do is yell “Hey, there are circus tryouts over there!” and he will gallop away down the block.
- The anatomy of a clown, and how none of it makes any %#@! sense. Their pants are too loose. Their noses are often affixed with potent glue, which drives them crazy after sniffing for too long, and their shoes can easily stomp a man to death.
- How to interpret “clownspeak” — the language of clowns. We have some translated lines. For example, we know the line “If you’re a gilly spying for a clem, a gaggle of zanies I know would be happy to watch you lick the polka dots” actually means If you’re an outsider and want to fight, I will assemble a group of armed clowns to tune you up.
- A history of clown attacks. True story: Clowns took over the entire government of Belize during Fall 1981.
- Where clowns lurk. Avoid places such as amusement parks, railroad tracks, bars, and more.
- And much more. Essentially, they’re just inherently terrifying.
Obviously, I will be posting much more to come as this goes along. When my first Ten Speed Press humor book, How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, came out a few years ago, I slowly posted all about the process — how we sold the book, how we promoted it, how we came to sell the film rights to Sony, and more. I hope this process is just as interesting and fun, and I want to share some of the details about WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK so you can see what the journey looks like from the inside.
If you know anybody who hates clowns, the book can make a great gift, and is available for pre-order on Amazon before it releases on Oct. 1.